Revelations pt. 4 (The End)

So we just left off at the whore of Babylon, who was riding around on a weird monster holding a chalice of cum. As soon as we see her and get acquainted, an angel comes down and says, “Yo, fuck this lady! Everyone who gets near her fucks everything up! She’s a metaphor for great societies fucking up and pissing god off. God hates her, so you should too! He’s gonna fuck her right up, and it’d be best if you guys weren’t around her when it happens.”

Apparently, everything in this city is going to go to shit and the city is just going to wash away in the ocean and be completely forgotten by everyone in this already dying world. But then all the 24 guys dressed in white and the four eyeball covered beasts and gonna start singing a song about how great god is and how it’s so cool how he destroys things that piss him off. 

They all call themselves the brides and wedding party of Jesus and they keep saying over and over again how Jesus’s teachings are totally the best ones and everyone who listens to them is on their side. 

Then a giant white horse will appear with a guy named “Faithful and True” riding on it’s back. And once again, John goes into crazy town describing the fucking thing. He wages war with the people that have survived all the insanity of this book, his eyes are made out of fire and he’s wearing a shitload of crowns on his head. Like dozens. Dozens of crowns.

He’s wearing a white robe that’s been soaked in blood and he’s written a weird cryptic message on himself that only he can understand that says, “The Word of God.” The army that lives up in heaven that’s been laying dormant through all of our turmoil and bullshit is right behind him wearing clean bloodless white clothing.

The main guy who’s covered in blood opens his mouth and a giant sword just pops the fuck out. It fucks up every goddamn country and ethnic group in the world that didn’t get the memo about Christianity and this rider just takes over everyone and rules them with an iron scepter. He slaughters people indiscriminately and on his robe and tattooed on his thigh it says, “King of kings, and lord of lords.” Which is kind of redundant.

Then an angel appears and encourages a bunch of birds to feast on human flesh and horse meat. But only human beings and horses that pissed god off. Then the beast whose name isn’t mentioned but somehow translates into 666, gets captured by this new rider on the white horse and gets thrown into a giant volcano. Everyone else who pissed god off in their lifetime will get killed by the giant sword that came out of his mouth and the birds will eat them.

Then an angel comes down and grabs the dragon that tried to eat that baby earlier and throws his ass into the Abyss to live for 1000 years. The dragon is also that snake that got Eve to eat the apple and he’s also Satan. So for 1000 years there’ll be no Satan. But then he’ll get out apparently, but only for a little bit.

Then god grabs all the people who didn’t worship the devil or follow the guy whose name translates into 666 somehow and he lets them chill for 1000 years with Jesus. If they die before this goes down, they have to stay dead for 1000 years and then they get to wake up and hang out with Jesus.

After 1000 years, they let Satan out of his Abyss again and let him wander around to places like Gog and Magog and other cities that were apparently named by cavemen. He’s gonna rally up some troops and go try and fuck with god one more time, but god’s just gonna throw his ass into a volcano in the end.

Then god raises everyone from the dead and if they’ve been good, they get to kick it with god. If they’ve pissed god off, he’s throwing their asses into a volcano.

Then god’s gonna come down and rebuild Jerusalem. A city that has already been rebuilt, and there will be no more death or pain or hunger or thirstiness! Unless you’re a coward, a nonbeliever, vile, sexually active, a murderer, a magician, a liar, or a guy who still worships statues in this day in age. Then your ass gets thrown into a volcano. 

John describes the new Jerusalem. It’s apparently 1400 miles wide and it’s got walls that are 200 feet thick for some reason. I’m not sure why they need 200 foot walls if they’ve already killed everyone remotely bad and if there’s no more death anymore. Also the whole fucking place is covered in jewels. The 200 foot thick walls are made out of pure jasper, the streets are solid gold that is as pure as glass. Which makes no sense. Every birthstone is represented in the decoration of the place. Then he says again, the streets are pure gold, which is transparent like glass… I am starting to think that John didn’t know what words mean.

He did mention that there’s no temple there, because god and Jesus just hang out, so there’s no need. The only way you can get into this place is if you haven’t pissed god off.

Oh every street also has a stream of clear water flowing down it and there’s gonna be delicious fruit growing on the sidewalks all the time. And it’s always light outside. 

It ends by John swearing up and down that all of this shit is happening soon as god is his witness! 2000 years later and we’re still waiting.

Revelations pt. 4 (audio)

The end! The very end!

Revelations pt. 3 (This Book is Insane)

So when we left off, John just finished rambling on about the second woe. 

After that shit goes down, then the seventh angel is gonna blow his trumpet and all the 24 guys in white are gonna start shouting a bunch of stuff about how amazing god is. Then they announce that he’s so great because he killed a bunch of people and then they tell him that it’s time to judging the people that pissed him off in their lives, and start rewarding the ones that didn’t. 

Then this amazing temple in the sky is going to open up and show the ark of the covenant. Then a crazy summer storm is gonna erupt. Through the course of this crazy storm (or possibly right after it) a woman is going to show up in the sky. She’ll be wearing the sun as clothing somehow and using the moon for her shoes because John didn’t understand the cosmos even a little bit. She’ll also be wearing a crown that’s made up of 12 stars, because why the hell not?

She’ll be super pregnant and just about to give birth to god knows what kind of creature. Then a huge red dragon shows up out of nowhere, with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his seven heads. His tail is gonna knock 1/3 of the stars out of the sky because John really didn’t understand how the cosmos work. 

Anyways, when the woman gives birth the dragon’s gonna try and eat the baby, but god’s gonna snatch him up and keep him safe. Then the woman, who wears the sun for clothing is gonna go down to earth and hide out in the desert for an oddly specified 1,260 days. 

This is gonna piss the dragon off, so he starts a war with heaven. Then there’s this guy Michael who’s gonna fuck the dragon’s shit right up and toss him and his followers down to Earth. The dragon is the devil. It mentions this all of a sudden.

This pisses the dragon off even more and he decides to go find that woman who uses the cosmos for her outfit. When he finds where she’s hiding, she just grows wings and peaces the fuck out. Also the Earth itself is going to help her out. This is gonna make the dragon just go around slaughtering christians indiscriminately until he finds himself at the ocean.

So this dragon has seven heads, 10 horns, and 7 crowns (one for each head) and comes from the sky. Remember that, because all of a sudden there’s another crazy beast that comes from the ocean. He has 7 heads, 10 horns, and 10 crowns! His crowns are for his horns. Also, each one of his heads is named something blasphemous. He doesn’t specify so it’s up to you, the listener, to imagine what this guy’s heads were named. Something like “shitjesus” or “fuck jehovah” or I don’t know. John describes the thing as looking like a leopard, but with feet like bears have and a lions mouth. Also he has 7 heads and 10 horns. Except one of the heads looks like it had been fatally wounded. 

The dragon will kind of hand over his power to this weird fucking thing. And people will start worshiping this ugly terrifying thing, saying, “Who can even fuck with this weird beast? Nobody, that’s who!” Which is weird, because one of his heads is already dead. So somebody was able to fuck with it. 

So with his new found following, the beast is just going to spend 42 months publicly making fun of god. Everyone’s who’s not a christian follows in suit. So John tells christians just to calm down and let this pass.

After this passes, apparently, the Earth is just going to open the fuck up and give birth to this new beast. This one will be less crazy looking, though. With only two horns. But he’ll speak like a dragon. You know that way dragons talk? Well that’s how this thing is going to talk.

This weird beast thing is going to wander around doing weird magic tricks like Moses and Elijah used to do. Then he’ll draw a big picture of the red dragon and use his powers to make that picture come alive. Then he’ll tell everyone to worship this picture that he gave life to and if they refuse, he’s gonna kill em.

Now, with the whole world under his control. This weird monster makes everyone, every single person, get a weird mark on his forehead or right hand. The mark is his name. But John never tells us what his name is. Just that the number of his name is 666. 

But there’s gonna be 144,000 jews that we mentioned in an earlier installment. They’re not gonna get the mark. They’re just gonna hang out with Jesus and write his name on their foreheads instead. Then this loud noise like thunder’s gonna erupt, but it’s not thunder, just people playing their harps not very well.

Then some angels are coming down to say that anyone who gets the weird monster whose name translates into 666 somehow’s mark (even against their will apparently) they’re an enemy of god and he’s going to kill all of them. Then some angels are gonna scoop people up like grapes and put them in a giant wine press and crush them. This will cause a 5 foot deep 180 mile across river of blood to come out.

Then everyone who survives this wrath can hang out and sing Moses’s songs next to a giant ocean of glass and fire. Then one of the weird good beast things that’s covered in eyeballs is gonna hand seven angels a bowl each. Each on of these bowls has a plague in it to punish people for getting the mark of the bad beast who’s name translates into 666 somehow.

The first bowl causes everyone to get weird sores and growths, the second bowl turns the oceans into blood and kills everything in them, the third bowl turns all the freshwater into blood. The 4th bowl makes it so that sun has the power to just start whoever the hell it wants on fire. The 5th bowl is gonna cause everything to go dark and make people chew their own tongues out, The 6th bowl just dries up the Euphrates river. Which at this point will be turned into blood anyways, and also is kind of already pretty much fucked in real life.

Then the dragon and the other weird beast whose name translates into 666 somehow are gonna let three frogs come out of their mouths that can also do magic tricks and they gather everyone up to fight the last remaining christians. Then god announces to the christians, “Hey! I’m gonna come scoop all of you up at a completely random time, so make sure you’re wearing clothing all the time, otherwise you’ll have to spend the rest of eternity in heaven naked. Then everyone who pissed god off will join together in a place called Armageddon. 

The seventh angel pours out the seventh bowl and says, “It is done.” Thunder and lightning erupt and the worst earthquake that’s ever happened will just fuck everything up and split the city of Armageddon in three parts and make all the other cities collapse. Also, every island is going to move around like the one on Lost and the mountains will apparently just disappear. Then 100 pound chunks of ice will fall from the sky and the last remaining people will curse god’s name. Which makes sense, because he’s the one dumping massive ice chunks on them.

Then a different angel says, “Hey! Let’s go fuck up this sex worker I just remembered about.” And they all go off into the desert where there’s yet another weird beast covered in blasphemous names like, “Jesus Christ Dick Shit” and “Yahweh Herpes Sore” and he also has 7 heads and 10 horns. There’s a girl riding this weird beast and she’s wearing a sexy purple and red dress and a bunch of jewelry. She also has a cup that’s full of all the filth she’s acquired by her adulteries. I guess he’s saying that she’s just hanging out with a chalice of cum riding around on a weird monster. 

On her forehead it says, “Mystery. Babylon the Great. The Mother of Prostitutes and the Abominations of the Earth.” Apparently all of this is metaphorical for cities that have existed and will exist. And this woman is going to end up having a bad time through all of this.

Revelations pt. 3 (audio)

More beasts, more death, more destruction!

Revelations pt. 2 (Shit's Getting Crazy)

When we left off, the stars were crashing down to the planet and the sky rolled up like Elmer Fudd’s Dickey. Everyone everywhere begging for death. And that was only when the 6th seal was opened. 

After this shit happens, four massive fucking angels are going to come down to the four corners of the Earth (the Earth being that round object that we all live on with zero corners) and their entire goal is just to fucking ruin everything! They’ll be blocking the very distinct four winds that apparently exist. Then another fifth angel will come down and stop them. He’ll say, “Don’t fuck everything up yet! Not until I put a magic seal on 144,000 random jews’ foreheads! You see, conveniently there are exactly 12,000 good people descended from each one of the 12 tribes of Israel. God wants them safe.”

After the fifth angel marks the foreheads of those 144,000 people, every goddamn person from the history of human kind will show up dressed exactly like they were when Jesus (and John who’s righting this fucking thing) entered Jerusalem. They’ll be yelling a bunch of stuff about how great god is and what not. Then the crazy eyeball covered beast things from before will join in. Apparently everyone is wearing white. They’re wearing white because they washed their clothes with Jesus’s blood. And Jesus’s blood is actually bleach, apparently.

So, after all this, the seventh seal will finally be opened! Of course before they open there seventh seal, seven angels have to come up and burn incense and blow seven trumpets because god loves the number 7. 

When the first angel plays his trumpet, it will rain hail, fire, and blood all over the place. Chunks of ice will be mixed with fire somehow, and god’ll throw in some blood just to fuck with the extra queasy people. This will burn 1/3 of the earth, 1/3 of the trees, and literally all the fucking grass. All of it. Fuck you, grass.

When the second angel plays his trumpet, a giant mountain (that’s completely on fire) will just get up and jump into the fucking ocean. When this happens 1/3 of all the water turns into blood; and because of this 1/3 of the sea creatures will die. Because sea creatures can’t live in blood. Just water. Also 1/3 of all the boats will be destroyed. Which doesn’t make any sense, but neither does any of this.

When the third angel plays his trumpet, one of the stars (named “Wormwood” or “Bitterness”) will fall from the sky (because John didn’t know how stars work) and poison a third of the world’s water supply. A bunch of people will die drinking this poisoned water. As opposed to a fucking star crashing into the earth.

Then the fourth angel’s going to play his trumpet, and 1/3 of the sun will turn black (because John didn’t know how the cosmos work) and so will 1/3 of the moon (which happens pretty often) and also 1/3 of the stars will turn black.

When the fifth angel blows his trumpet, a star will come down from the sky and just be handed a weird key. Because in John’s mind, stars have arms and legs and thoughts and whatnot. The key that the star’s going to get is the key to the Abyss. When this star uses the key and opens the Abyss, a shitload of smoke is going to come out. It’ll make the whole sky black and also swarms of locusts will come flying out. But these are no ordinary locusts, these are scorpion locusts. These scorpion locusts aren’t going to hurt any of the 144,000 descendants of Abraham, but they are going to torture everyone else for 5 solid months. (it mentions that everyone being tortured by these scorpion locust things will want to die, but won’t be allowed to.)

Also, these scorpion locusts aren’t just an ungodly mix of scorpions and locusts, they also look like warhorses. They’re also wearing little golden crowns for some reason, and they have human faces.

I just need to stop for a second and give you John’s description of these fucking things.

Imagine a grasshopper. But… It’s wearing a crown, has a human face, women’s hair, lion’s teeth, they’re wearing iron breastplates, their wings sound like thousands of horses running, and they have scorpion tails with enough venom to torture almost every human consistently for 5 solid months. 153 days or so. Anyways, 

They’ll have a leader. His name is Destroyer, because of course it is. 

Oh and all that shit is just the first of the three woes.

When the sixth angel blows his trumpet a weird voice is going to come out of this altar that says, “Release the four angels that are just hanging in that nasty ass Euphrates river!”

So apparently there have been four angels sitting right in the middle of one of the most unstable regions on the fucking planet and they haven’t done shit this whole time. But once that altar tells them to do shit, it’s fucking on.

Well it’s probably a good thing they didn’t do anything. Because as soon as they get to it, they’re going to slaughter a third of the human race.

Then a huge army of 200 MILLION people will just come out of… somewhere… it’s not really specified. So this army the population of fucking Brazil will just appear. 200 million riders on horseback. And just like the locusts earlier, John’s imagination kind of starts going into Mulberry street insanity. 

They start out as just horses with riders. Their colors are a fiery red, dark blue, and sulfuric yellow. Their horses’ heads are actually lions’ heads, though. And they breathe fire… and sulfur. The fire and sulfur that comes out of these weird lion horses will kill another 1/3 of the human race! And on top of that, they have snakes for tails! And the snakes will bite people as they’re dying! Through all of this, the last 1/3 of mankind will just keep going around fucking whomever they want, doing magic, praying to statues, and killing each other. 

Then another angel’s gonna come down and when he speaks 7 thunders also speak, but apparently whatever they said, wasn’t for this time. But the angel from John’s imagination will come down and and force him to eat a scroll. It’ll taste great, but it’ll give him diarrhea. 

Apparently after John eats that scroll, he’s going to have to go around prophesying and wear a burlap sack for an oddly specified 1260 days. He’ll have another guy’s help, too. And they’ll all have the power to burn people alive with their breath if they try and fuck with them. Because that’s just the way it has to go. 

And again we go to crazy town, because on top of the fact that these burlap sack-clothed men can breathe fire, they can also turn water into blood, stop the rains with their minds, and also fuck up anything they want to with whatever plague they want. (This is actually what the book says, it’s not me being lazy)

But as soon as they’re done with their 1260 day stint, a huge beast from the Abyss will kill them. Their bodies will lie in the cities of Sodom and Egypt. Sodom being a city that was destroyed a long time ago and Egypt being a country, not a city. People will gloat over their dead bodies because they will have pissed people off that bad while they were prophesying. Then after three and a half days, they’ll rise from the fucking dead and set off a fucking earthquake that will kill 7,000 people. This is the second woe. The third is still to come.

Revelations pt. 2 (audio)

"It's all gonna be so fucked up, you guys! I'm serious!" -John-

Revelations pt.1 (The Beginning of the End)

It’s important to note that this book was written by John when he was marooned on a fucking island.

It starts out saying that the shit that this book contains is totally legit and from Jesus himself, and not just from John’s own head, and it’s super important to take note! Because all of this crazy shit is about to go down like right fucking now! 2000 years later and it still has not happened.

 John says, “I was just chilling here being marooned and all of a sudden a loud trumpet-like voice said, ‘Hey! Write this shit down!’ I turned around and all I saw were seven golden lamp stands. Oh also, and Jesus. Jesus was there, too. Oh actually I’m not sure it was Jesus. It just looked like him. Well, he was dressed like him. Except his hair looked like bleached wool, or even snow. Also his eyes were made of fire. His feet looked like molten bronze. And his voice sounded like rushing water… So I guess he didn’t look anything like Jesus, but I’m assuming it was Jesus. Because otherwise this whole book is pointless.”

“Anyways, he was also holding seven fucking stars in his right hand and a huge fucking sword came out of his mouth. Oh, and his face was as bright as the fucking sun! Needless to say, I just dropped to the fucking ground out of sheer terror. Then he said, ‘Hey, calm the shit down. Don’t be scared of me and my sword tongue, fire eyes, hands that can hold stars apparently, and face that permanently damages your eyes when you look directly at it. Everything’s cool. I’m alive and I hold the keys to death and Hades. Also, all the seven lamp stands and seven stars are representations of the churches ya’ll started in Asia.’”

So John takes this opportunity to speak to each one of of the seven churches separately. 

To the church in Ephesus, he says, “Ya’ll have done some good work! You’ve put up with some bullshit and that’s cool. But, you also kind of forgot about the most important part, which I won’t mention here. But all things said and done, You hate the Nico-lai-tans. And I hate them, too. Fuck those guys.”

To the church of Smyrna, “I know your lives are shitty! Keep it up! That’s just how god wants it for you.”

To the church of Pergamum, “I know where you live. It’s right by Satan’s house, and that’s why people are killing you guys. But you’re standing strong. Except some of you guys are fucking too much and some of you don’t hate the Nico-lai-tans as much as I’d like you to. Also, anyone who doesn’t do this shit, I’ll give them a bunch of Manna and a white stone. Because my life is apparently a role playing game.”

To the church of Thyatira, “You guys fuck too much also. Since you fuck so much, I’m going to kill your fucking children.”

To the church of Sardis, “Jesus says he’s going to come back and snatch you guys up out of your houses while you’re sleeping! But only if you’re good!”

To the church in Philadelphia, “Since you’ve been so good and so patient, god will totally reward you. Just keep being patient for thousands of years until he comes to reward you.”

And to the church in Laodicea, “You guys are boring. You’re not great, but you’re not bad either. I guess try and be better? I don’t know.”

Once John was done with his open letter to the seven churches, he looked up at the sky and there was apparently a door there. The same trumpet voice that he heard earlier said, “Hey! Come check this shit out!” 

Then John says, “I saw a throne! And the person sitting in it looked all red like a jasper or a carnelian or a different red semi precious stone. Also, there was a rainbow around them. A big multicolored rainbow that reminded me of a green emerald for some reason.Then there were 24 other thrones with guys in white with gold crowns on them. The main throne was shooting lightning and thunder into this giant glass lake. Then there were all these animals around, they were covered in eyeballs. Fucking eyeballs all over their bodies. One looked like a lion, one an ox, the third one looked like a person, and the last one looked like an eagle. Except they all had six wings and were fucking covered in eyeballs for some reason. Just fucking eyeballs everywhere!”

All of these creatures and guys were constantly telling god how cool he is. apparently.

John goes on to describe this crazy ass situation, “The red guy in the throne was holding a scroll in his right hand. He had sealed it seven times with his magic wax that only he could break. He said, ‘Who can break my magic wax that I sealed this scroll with?’ Nobody could do it, and that made me cry for some reason. One of the guys in white with a gold crown said, ‘Don’t cry. That doesn’t make any sense in this situation. Also, see that Lion with the wings who’s covered in eyeballs? I think he can break those seven magic wax seals.’”

“Then I saw a lamb that someone had killed, because god still loves that shit. It was dead, but it was standing in the center of the throne. It was just a regular lamb, the kind with seven horns and seven eyes. Standard lamb stuff. The lamb grabbed the scroll and opened it. The four eyeball covered beast things and the guys in white started freaking out and told the seven eyed lamb that he was in charge now. Then everyone started telling the lamb how amazing he was. Then thousands of angels started doing the same.”

“So I watched as the seven eyed lamb broke open the first seal. One of the weird eyeball covered beast things said, ‘Hey! Come here!’ and a white horse with an archer on it appeared. Then he rode off. Then the the seven eyed lamb opened the second seal, and a different weird eyeball covered beast thing said, ‘Come here!’ and a red horse showed up with a guy riding it whose only power was to make humans kill each other (which is about as impressive as the power to make rocks hard or water wet)”

“Then the weird lamb thing opened the third seal and different eyeball covered beast yelled, ‘Dude, Come on!’ and a black horse showed up. Its rider was holding some scales and some weird voice in the background just shouted out, ‘One quart of wheat for a day’s wages! Three quarts of barley! Don’t you dare damage the oil or the wine!’”

“The the lamb with 5 extra horns and 5 extra eyes opened the fourth seal, the final weird eyeball covered beast thing said, ‘Hey, you fucking dipshit, come here!’ and a weird pale horse showed up. This horse’s rider was named Death, and his buddy Hades was following right behind. Someone, god apparently, had given them the power to destroy just over a quarter of the earth with their swords, famine, plague, and random wild beasts.”

“Then the weird lamb opened the 5th seal and a bunch of people raised from the dead. The weird lamb told them to hold on for a while.”

“Then the sixth seal was opened and everything got all fucked up! A fucking earthquake broke out, the sun turned black and the moon turned red (like what happens during an eclipse), a bunch of stars came crashing down to the earth because I don’t know how stars actually work, the sky just rolled up like one of those projection screens from high school, and every mountain and island got displaced. Every goddamn person was hiding and begging to be killed!” 

Because there’s a seven eyed, seven horned lamb whom I’m assuming is Jesus. And he’s back. And he’s pissed.