Revelations pt. 4 (The End)

So we just left off at the whore of Babylon, who was riding around on a weird monster holding a chalice of cum. As soon as we see her and get acquainted, an angel comes down and says, “Yo, fuck this lady! Everyone who gets near her fucks everything up! She’s a metaphor for great societies fucking up and pissing god off. God hates her, so you should too! He’s gonna fuck her right up, and it’d be best if you guys weren’t around her when it happens.”

Apparently, everything in this city is going to go to shit and the city is just going to wash away in the ocean and be completely forgotten by everyone in this already dying world. But then all the 24 guys dressed in white and the four eyeball covered beasts and gonna start singing a song about how great god is and how it’s so cool how he destroys things that piss him off. 

They all call themselves the brides and wedding party of Jesus and they keep saying over and over again how Jesus’s teachings are totally the best ones and everyone who listens to them is on their side. 

Then a giant white horse will appear with a guy named “Faithful and True” riding on it’s back. And once again, John goes into crazy town describing the fucking thing. He wages war with the people that have survived all the insanity of this book, his eyes are made out of fire and he’s wearing a shitload of crowns on his head. Like dozens. Dozens of crowns.

He’s wearing a white robe that’s been soaked in blood and he’s written a weird cryptic message on himself that only he can understand that says, “The Word of God.” The army that lives up in heaven that’s been laying dormant through all of our turmoil and bullshit is right behind him wearing clean bloodless white clothing.

The main guy who’s covered in blood opens his mouth and a giant sword just pops the fuck out. It fucks up every goddamn country and ethnic group in the world that didn’t get the memo about Christianity and this rider just takes over everyone and rules them with an iron scepter. He slaughters people indiscriminately and on his robe and tattooed on his thigh it says, “King of kings, and lord of lords.” Which is kind of redundant.

Then an angel appears and encourages a bunch of birds to feast on human flesh and horse meat. But only human beings and horses that pissed god off. Then the beast whose name isn’t mentioned but somehow translates into 666, gets captured by this new rider on the white horse and gets thrown into a giant volcano. Everyone else who pissed god off in their lifetime will get killed by the giant sword that came out of his mouth and the birds will eat them.

Then an angel comes down and grabs the dragon that tried to eat that baby earlier and throws his ass into the Abyss to live for 1000 years. The dragon is also that snake that got Eve to eat the apple and he’s also Satan. So for 1000 years there’ll be no Satan. But then he’ll get out apparently, but only for a little bit.

Then god grabs all the people who didn’t worship the devil or follow the guy whose name translates into 666 somehow and he lets them chill for 1000 years with Jesus. If they die before this goes down, they have to stay dead for 1000 years and then they get to wake up and hang out with Jesus.

After 1000 years, they let Satan out of his Abyss again and let him wander around to places like Gog and Magog and other cities that were apparently named by cavemen. He’s gonna rally up some troops and go try and fuck with god one more time, but god’s just gonna throw his ass into a volcano in the end.

Then god raises everyone from the dead and if they’ve been good, they get to kick it with god. If they’ve pissed god off, he’s throwing their asses into a volcano.

Then god’s gonna come down and rebuild Jerusalem. A city that has already been rebuilt, and there will be no more death or pain or hunger or thirstiness! Unless you’re a coward, a nonbeliever, vile, sexually active, a murderer, a magician, a liar, or a guy who still worships statues in this day in age. Then your ass gets thrown into a volcano. 

John describes the new Jerusalem. It’s apparently 1400 miles wide and it’s got walls that are 200 feet thick for some reason. I’m not sure why they need 200 foot walls if they’ve already killed everyone remotely bad and if there’s no more death anymore. Also the whole fucking place is covered in jewels. The 200 foot thick walls are made out of pure jasper, the streets are solid gold that is as pure as glass. Which makes no sense. Every birthstone is represented in the decoration of the place. Then he says again, the streets are pure gold, which is transparent like glass… I am starting to think that John didn’t know what words mean.

He did mention that there’s no temple there, because god and Jesus just hang out, so there’s no need. The only way you can get into this place is if you haven’t pissed god off.

Oh every street also has a stream of clear water flowing down it and there’s gonna be delicious fruit growing on the sidewalks all the time. And it’s always light outside. 

It ends by John swearing up and down that all of this shit is happening soon as god is his witness! 2000 years later and we’re still waiting.

Revelations pt. 4 (audio)

The end! The very end!

Revelations pt. 3 (This Book is Insane)

So when we left off, John just finished rambling on about the second woe. 

After that shit goes down, then the seventh angel is gonna blow his trumpet and all the 24 guys in white are gonna start shouting a bunch of stuff about how amazing god is. Then they announce that he’s so great because he killed a bunch of people and then they tell him that it’s time to judging the people that pissed him off in their lives, and start rewarding the ones that didn’t. 

Then this amazing temple in the sky is going to open up and show the ark of the covenant. Then a crazy summer storm is gonna erupt. Through the course of this crazy storm (or possibly right after it) a woman is going to show up in the sky. She’ll be wearing the sun as clothing somehow and using the moon for her shoes because John didn’t understand the cosmos even a little bit. She’ll also be wearing a crown that’s made up of 12 stars, because why the hell not?

She’ll be super pregnant and just about to give birth to god knows what kind of creature. Then a huge red dragon shows up out of nowhere, with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his seven heads. His tail is gonna knock 1/3 of the stars out of the sky because John really didn’t understand how the cosmos work. 

Anyways, when the woman gives birth the dragon’s gonna try and eat the baby, but god’s gonna snatch him up and keep him safe. Then the woman, who wears the sun for clothing is gonna go down to earth and hide out in the desert for an oddly specified 1,260 days. 

This is gonna piss the dragon off, so he starts a war with heaven. Then there’s this guy Michael who’s gonna fuck the dragon’s shit right up and toss him and his followers down to Earth. The dragon is the devil. It mentions this all of a sudden.

This pisses the dragon off even more and he decides to go find that woman who uses the cosmos for her outfit. When he finds where she’s hiding, she just grows wings and peaces the fuck out. Also the Earth itself is going to help her out. This is gonna make the dragon just go around slaughtering christians indiscriminately until he finds himself at the ocean.

So this dragon has seven heads, 10 horns, and 7 crowns (one for each head) and comes from the sky. Remember that, because all of a sudden there’s another crazy beast that comes from the ocean. He has 7 heads, 10 horns, and 10 crowns! His crowns are for his horns. Also, each one of his heads is named something blasphemous. He doesn’t specify so it’s up to you, the listener, to imagine what this guy’s heads were named. Something like “shitjesus” or “fuck jehovah” or I don’t know. John describes the thing as looking like a leopard, but with feet like bears have and a lions mouth. Also he has 7 heads and 10 horns. Except one of the heads looks like it had been fatally wounded. 

The dragon will kind of hand over his power to this weird fucking thing. And people will start worshiping this ugly terrifying thing, saying, “Who can even fuck with this weird beast? Nobody, that’s who!” Which is weird, because one of his heads is already dead. So somebody was able to fuck with it. 

So with his new found following, the beast is just going to spend 42 months publicly making fun of god. Everyone’s who’s not a christian follows in suit. So John tells christians just to calm down and let this pass.

After this passes, apparently, the Earth is just going to open the fuck up and give birth to this new beast. This one will be less crazy looking, though. With only two horns. But he’ll speak like a dragon. You know that way dragons talk? Well that’s how this thing is going to talk.

This weird beast thing is going to wander around doing weird magic tricks like Moses and Elijah used to do. Then he’ll draw a big picture of the red dragon and use his powers to make that picture come alive. Then he’ll tell everyone to worship this picture that he gave life to and if they refuse, he’s gonna kill em.

Now, with the whole world under his control. This weird monster makes everyone, every single person, get a weird mark on his forehead or right hand. The mark is his name. But John never tells us what his name is. Just that the number of his name is 666. 

But there’s gonna be 144,000 jews that we mentioned in an earlier installment. They’re not gonna get the mark. They’re just gonna hang out with Jesus and write his name on their foreheads instead. Then this loud noise like thunder’s gonna erupt, but it’s not thunder, just people playing their harps not very well.

Then some angels are coming down to say that anyone who gets the weird monster whose name translates into 666 somehow’s mark (even against their will apparently) they’re an enemy of god and he’s going to kill all of them. Then some angels are gonna scoop people up like grapes and put them in a giant wine press and crush them. This will cause a 5 foot deep 180 mile across river of blood to come out.

Then everyone who survives this wrath can hang out and sing Moses’s songs next to a giant ocean of glass and fire. Then one of the weird good beast things that’s covered in eyeballs is gonna hand seven angels a bowl each. Each on of these bowls has a plague in it to punish people for getting the mark of the bad beast who’s name translates into 666 somehow.

The first bowl causes everyone to get weird sores and growths, the second bowl turns the oceans into blood and kills everything in them, the third bowl turns all the freshwater into blood. The 4th bowl makes it so that sun has the power to just start whoever the hell it wants on fire. The 5th bowl is gonna cause everything to go dark and make people chew their own tongues out, The 6th bowl just dries up the Euphrates river. Which at this point will be turned into blood anyways, and also is kind of already pretty much fucked in real life.

Then the dragon and the other weird beast whose name translates into 666 somehow are gonna let three frogs come out of their mouths that can also do magic tricks and they gather everyone up to fight the last remaining christians. Then god announces to the christians, “Hey! I’m gonna come scoop all of you up at a completely random time, so make sure you’re wearing clothing all the time, otherwise you’ll have to spend the rest of eternity in heaven naked. Then everyone who pissed god off will join together in a place called Armageddon. 

The seventh angel pours out the seventh bowl and says, “It is done.” Thunder and lightning erupt and the worst earthquake that’s ever happened will just fuck everything up and split the city of Armageddon in three parts and make all the other cities collapse. Also, every island is going to move around like the one on Lost and the mountains will apparently just disappear. Then 100 pound chunks of ice will fall from the sky and the last remaining people will curse god’s name. Which makes sense, because he’s the one dumping massive ice chunks on them.

Then a different angel says, “Hey! Let’s go fuck up this sex worker I just remembered about.” And they all go off into the desert where there’s yet another weird beast covered in blasphemous names like, “Jesus Christ Dick Shit” and “Yahweh Herpes Sore” and he also has 7 heads and 10 horns. There’s a girl riding this weird beast and she’s wearing a sexy purple and red dress and a bunch of jewelry. She also has a cup that’s full of all the filth she’s acquired by her adulteries. I guess he’s saying that she’s just hanging out with a chalice of cum riding around on a weird monster. 

On her forehead it says, “Mystery. Babylon the Great. The Mother of Prostitutes and the Abominations of the Earth.” Apparently all of this is metaphorical for cities that have existed and will exist. And this woman is going to end up having a bad time through all of this.

Revelations pt. 3 (audio)

More beasts, more death, more destruction!

Revelations pt. 2 (Shit's Getting Crazy)

When we left off, the stars were crashing down to the planet and the sky rolled up like Elmer Fudd’s Dickey. Everyone everywhere begging for death. And that was only when the 6th seal was opened. 

After this shit happens, four massive fucking angels are going to come down to the four corners of the Earth (the Earth being that round object that we all live on with zero corners) and their entire goal is just to fucking ruin everything! They’ll be blocking the very distinct four winds that apparently exist. Then another fifth angel will come down and stop them. He’ll say, “Don’t fuck everything up yet! Not until I put a magic seal on 144,000 random jews’ foreheads! You see, conveniently there are exactly 12,000 good people descended from each one of the 12 tribes of Israel. God wants them safe.”

After the fifth angel marks the foreheads of those 144,000 people, every goddamn person from the history of human kind will show up dressed exactly like they were when Jesus (and John who’s righting this fucking thing) entered Jerusalem. They’ll be yelling a bunch of stuff about how great god is and what not. Then the crazy eyeball covered beast things from before will join in. Apparently everyone is wearing white. They’re wearing white because they washed their clothes with Jesus’s blood. And Jesus’s blood is actually bleach, apparently.

So, after all this, the seventh seal will finally be opened! Of course before they open there seventh seal, seven angels have to come up and burn incense and blow seven trumpets because god loves the number 7. 

When the first angel plays his trumpet, it will rain hail, fire, and blood all over the place. Chunks of ice will be mixed with fire somehow, and god’ll throw in some blood just to fuck with the extra queasy people. This will burn 1/3 of the earth, 1/3 of the trees, and literally all the fucking grass. All of it. Fuck you, grass.

When the second angel plays his trumpet, a giant mountain (that’s completely on fire) will just get up and jump into the fucking ocean. When this happens 1/3 of all the water turns into blood; and because of this 1/3 of the sea creatures will die. Because sea creatures can’t live in blood. Just water. Also 1/3 of all the boats will be destroyed. Which doesn’t make any sense, but neither does any of this.

When the third angel plays his trumpet, one of the stars (named “Wormwood” or “Bitterness”) will fall from the sky (because John didn’t know how stars work) and poison a third of the world’s water supply. A bunch of people will die drinking this poisoned water. As opposed to a fucking star crashing into the earth.

Then the fourth angel’s going to play his trumpet, and 1/3 of the sun will turn black (because John didn’t know how the cosmos work) and so will 1/3 of the moon (which happens pretty often) and also 1/3 of the stars will turn black.

When the fifth angel blows his trumpet, a star will come down from the sky and just be handed a weird key. Because in John’s mind, stars have arms and legs and thoughts and whatnot. The key that the star’s going to get is the key to the Abyss. When this star uses the key and opens the Abyss, a shitload of smoke is going to come out. It’ll make the whole sky black and also swarms of locusts will come flying out. But these are no ordinary locusts, these are scorpion locusts. These scorpion locusts aren’t going to hurt any of the 144,000 descendants of Abraham, but they are going to torture everyone else for 5 solid months. (it mentions that everyone being tortured by these scorpion locust things will want to die, but won’t be allowed to.)

Also, these scorpion locusts aren’t just an ungodly mix of scorpions and locusts, they also look like warhorses. They’re also wearing little golden crowns for some reason, and they have human faces.

I just need to stop for a second and give you John’s description of these fucking things.

Imagine a grasshopper. But… It’s wearing a crown, has a human face, women’s hair, lion’s teeth, they’re wearing iron breastplates, their wings sound like thousands of horses running, and they have scorpion tails with enough venom to torture almost every human consistently for 5 solid months. 153 days or so. Anyways, 

They’ll have a leader. His name is Destroyer, because of course it is. 

Oh and all that shit is just the first of the three woes.

When the sixth angel blows his trumpet a weird voice is going to come out of this altar that says, “Release the four angels that are just hanging in that nasty ass Euphrates river!”

So apparently there have been four angels sitting right in the middle of one of the most unstable regions on the fucking planet and they haven’t done shit this whole time. But once that altar tells them to do shit, it’s fucking on.

Well it’s probably a good thing they didn’t do anything. Because as soon as they get to it, they’re going to slaughter a third of the human race.

Then a huge army of 200 MILLION people will just come out of… somewhere… it’s not really specified. So this army the population of fucking Brazil will just appear. 200 million riders on horseback. And just like the locusts earlier, John’s imagination kind of starts going into Mulberry street insanity. 

They start out as just horses with riders. Their colors are a fiery red, dark blue, and sulfuric yellow. Their horses’ heads are actually lions’ heads, though. And they breathe fire… and sulfur. The fire and sulfur that comes out of these weird lion horses will kill another 1/3 of the human race! And on top of that, they have snakes for tails! And the snakes will bite people as they’re dying! Through all of this, the last 1/3 of mankind will just keep going around fucking whomever they want, doing magic, praying to statues, and killing each other. 

Then another angel’s gonna come down and when he speaks 7 thunders also speak, but apparently whatever they said, wasn’t for this time. But the angel from John’s imagination will come down and and force him to eat a scroll. It’ll taste great, but it’ll give him diarrhea. 

Apparently after John eats that scroll, he’s going to have to go around prophesying and wear a burlap sack for an oddly specified 1260 days. He’ll have another guy’s help, too. And they’ll all have the power to burn people alive with their breath if they try and fuck with them. Because that’s just the way it has to go. 

And again we go to crazy town, because on top of the fact that these burlap sack-clothed men can breathe fire, they can also turn water into blood, stop the rains with their minds, and also fuck up anything they want to with whatever plague they want. (This is actually what the book says, it’s not me being lazy)

But as soon as they’re done with their 1260 day stint, a huge beast from the Abyss will kill them. Their bodies will lie in the cities of Sodom and Egypt. Sodom being a city that was destroyed a long time ago and Egypt being a country, not a city. People will gloat over their dead bodies because they will have pissed people off that bad while they were prophesying. Then after three and a half days, they’ll rise from the fucking dead and set off a fucking earthquake that will kill 7,000 people. This is the second woe. The third is still to come.

Revelations pt. 2 (audio)

"It's all gonna be so fucked up, you guys! I'm serious!" -John-

Revelations pt.1 (The Beginning of the End)

It’s important to note that this book was written by John when he was marooned on a fucking island.

It starts out saying that the shit that this book contains is totally legit and from Jesus himself, and not just from John’s own head, and it’s super important to take note! Because all of this crazy shit is about to go down like right fucking now! 2000 years later and it still has not happened.

 John says, “I was just chilling here being marooned and all of a sudden a loud trumpet-like voice said, ‘Hey! Write this shit down!’ I turned around and all I saw were seven golden lamp stands. Oh also, and Jesus. Jesus was there, too. Oh actually I’m not sure it was Jesus. It just looked like him. Well, he was dressed like him. Except his hair looked like bleached wool, or even snow. Also his eyes were made of fire. His feet looked like molten bronze. And his voice sounded like rushing water… So I guess he didn’t look anything like Jesus, but I’m assuming it was Jesus. Because otherwise this whole book is pointless.”

“Anyways, he was also holding seven fucking stars in his right hand and a huge fucking sword came out of his mouth. Oh, and his face was as bright as the fucking sun! Needless to say, I just dropped to the fucking ground out of sheer terror. Then he said, ‘Hey, calm the shit down. Don’t be scared of me and my sword tongue, fire eyes, hands that can hold stars apparently, and face that permanently damages your eyes when you look directly at it. Everything’s cool. I’m alive and I hold the keys to death and Hades. Also, all the seven lamp stands and seven stars are representations of the churches ya’ll started in Asia.’”

So John takes this opportunity to speak to each one of of the seven churches separately. 

To the church in Ephesus, he says, “Ya’ll have done some good work! You’ve put up with some bullshit and that’s cool. But, you also kind of forgot about the most important part, which I won’t mention here. But all things said and done, You hate the Nico-lai-tans. And I hate them, too. Fuck those guys.”

To the church of Smyrna, “I know your lives are shitty! Keep it up! That’s just how god wants it for you.”

To the church of Pergamum, “I know where you live. It’s right by Satan’s house, and that’s why people are killing you guys. But you’re standing strong. Except some of you guys are fucking too much and some of you don’t hate the Nico-lai-tans as much as I’d like you to. Also, anyone who doesn’t do this shit, I’ll give them a bunch of Manna and a white stone. Because my life is apparently a role playing game.”

To the church of Thyatira, “You guys fuck too much also. Since you fuck so much, I’m going to kill your fucking children.”

To the church of Sardis, “Jesus says he’s going to come back and snatch you guys up out of your houses while you’re sleeping! But only if you’re good!”

To the church in Philadelphia, “Since you’ve been so good and so patient, god will totally reward you. Just keep being patient for thousands of years until he comes to reward you.”

And to the church in Laodicea, “You guys are boring. You’re not great, but you’re not bad either. I guess try and be better? I don’t know.”

Once John was done with his open letter to the seven churches, he looked up at the sky and there was apparently a door there. The same trumpet voice that he heard earlier said, “Hey! Come check this shit out!” 

Then John says, “I saw a throne! And the person sitting in it looked all red like a jasper or a carnelian or a different red semi precious stone. Also, there was a rainbow around them. A big multicolored rainbow that reminded me of a green emerald for some reason.Then there were 24 other thrones with guys in white with gold crowns on them. The main throne was shooting lightning and thunder into this giant glass lake. Then there were all these animals around, they were covered in eyeballs. Fucking eyeballs all over their bodies. One looked like a lion, one an ox, the third one looked like a person, and the last one looked like an eagle. Except they all had six wings and were fucking covered in eyeballs for some reason. Just fucking eyeballs everywhere!”

All of these creatures and guys were constantly telling god how cool he is. apparently.

John goes on to describe this crazy ass situation, “The red guy in the throne was holding a scroll in his right hand. He had sealed it seven times with his magic wax that only he could break. He said, ‘Who can break my magic wax that I sealed this scroll with?’ Nobody could do it, and that made me cry for some reason. One of the guys in white with a gold crown said, ‘Don’t cry. That doesn’t make any sense in this situation. Also, see that Lion with the wings who’s covered in eyeballs? I think he can break those seven magic wax seals.’”

“Then I saw a lamb that someone had killed, because god still loves that shit. It was dead, but it was standing in the center of the throne. It was just a regular lamb, the kind with seven horns and seven eyes. Standard lamb stuff. The lamb grabbed the scroll and opened it. The four eyeball covered beast things and the guys in white started freaking out and told the seven eyed lamb that he was in charge now. Then everyone started telling the lamb how amazing he was. Then thousands of angels started doing the same.”

“So I watched as the seven eyed lamb broke open the first seal. One of the weird eyeball covered beast things said, ‘Hey! Come here!’ and a white horse with an archer on it appeared. Then he rode off. Then the the seven eyed lamb opened the second seal, and a different weird eyeball covered beast thing said, ‘Come here!’ and a red horse showed up with a guy riding it whose only power was to make humans kill each other (which is about as impressive as the power to make rocks hard or water wet)”

“Then the weird lamb thing opened the third seal and different eyeball covered beast yelled, ‘Dude, Come on!’ and a black horse showed up. Its rider was holding some scales and some weird voice in the background just shouted out, ‘One quart of wheat for a day’s wages! Three quarts of barley! Don’t you dare damage the oil or the wine!’”

“The the lamb with 5 extra horns and 5 extra eyes opened the fourth seal, the final weird eyeball covered beast thing said, ‘Hey, you fucking dipshit, come here!’ and a weird pale horse showed up. This horse’s rider was named Death, and his buddy Hades was following right behind. Someone, god apparently, had given them the power to destroy just over a quarter of the earth with their swords, famine, plague, and random wild beasts.”

“Then the weird lamb opened the 5th seal and a bunch of people raised from the dead. The weird lamb told them to hold on for a while.”

“Then the sixth seal was opened and everything got all fucked up! A fucking earthquake broke out, the sun turned black and the moon turned red (like what happens during an eclipse), a bunch of stars came crashing down to the earth because I don’t know how stars actually work, the sky just rolled up like one of those projection screens from high school, and every mountain and island got displaced. Every goddamn person was hiding and begging to be killed!” 

Because there’s a seven eyed, seven horned lamb whom I’m assuming is Jesus. And he’s back. And he’s pissed.

Revelations pt. 1 (audio)

ALL FUCKING HELL IS ABOUT TO BREAK LOOSE!!!!

Jude (James' Brother's Book)

Jude was James’ brother. James is the only person i’ve liked in this book so far. Except for Samson, but Samson was also a lunatic. Anyways.

He says that he’s sad to admit that a lot of people who like fucking strangers and pissing god off have made their way into the church. He tells people not to fuck a bunch of strangers and to take care of their bodies otherwise god will get pissed off. 

He said these men talk shit about angels and the devil and you’ve gotta give respect where respect is due. They should really shut the fuck up, he says, because these motherfuckers will kill you. He goes through several metaphors about these kinds of people but makes them sound like they’re just regular people doing regular things.

He encourages everyone who’s following this religion, to keep on keeping on. Even though all the bullshit they have to deal with on a daily basis…

Jude (audio)

Jude's short rant about a few people that annoy him.

3 John (Yet Another Book by John)

This is written to a guy names Gaius.

He tells him he hopes he feels better soon and he’s glad that Gaius is following his religion. He tells him to lend a helping hand to some other friends of his. Tells him to do good stuff instead of evil stuff. Then it ends. I have no idea why they decided to include this in the bible.

But whatever. 

3 John (audio)

A straight up pointless book. No joke.

2 John (Another Book by John)

It’s written to some lady or maybe all ladies of the faith. He says that he’s glad her (or their) kids are following the same religion that he help create. Tells her (or them) to love one another and not to trust anyone who doesn’t believe that Jesus wasn’t god’s kid. As a matter of fact, don’t even let them into your fucking house. They’ll probably murder you. 

That’s it.

2 John (audio)

John's letter to a woman (or all women)

1 John (A Book by John)

He starts out by swearing that everything he says is true and that he’s totally seen the this whole eternal life thing with his own eyes! He says that god is light and things that piss god off are darkness, since we always fuck around and do shit that pisses god off, we shouldn’t be able to be with god. But since Jesus killed himself, via the classic suicide by cop method, now we can totally hang out with god even though we do shit that pisses him off. But we still shouldn’t. 

He also says not to be a dick. If you claim to be a cool godly person but you’re full of hate, you’re a dick and god doesn’t want anything to do with you. Also, you’ll be consumed by your own stupid shit, and that’s no way to go about living your life.

He encourages all men. Only men, because John’s an asshole just like Paul, to try to live their lives in a way that won’t piss god off and not to focus too much on all the cool shit that the world has to offer, like silk, and gladiators, and boat races and whatever the fuck people did for fun back then.

He keeps talking about how everything around us will burn, and he makes it sound like it’s going to happen soon. So far it has not. Even the Roman Empire lasted quite some time after this was written, so it’s safe to say that John was a crazy person. 

He warns everyone about anti-christs, which are apparently just people who don’t think that Jesus was god’s kid, and that would mean that about 3/4 of the world are antichrists. 

He tells people to love each other and not be like Cain and murder people for pissing us off. He says if a spirit comes to you, test it to make sure that it’s from god and not just some rogue spirit trying to fuck with you. He closes by telling everyone to be cool and full of love, just like god. I don’t know what book he was reading, but I never really got the idea that god was anything like that. 

1 John (audio)

John rambles about Anti-Christs and tells people to be nice to each other.

2 Peter (Peter's Second Book)

This is the 2nd installment of Peter, the guy who denied even knowing Jesus just hours after he was dragged away to be killed for no reason, telling us what to do. It’s two pages long.

He starts out talking about how amazing their religion is and then shoots right into rambling on about how everyone should be nice to each other.

He tells everyone to educate themselves on the scriptures, but also that they don’t matter as much anymore because most of the shit they believe comes directly from the Holy Spirit.

He says that all the people who claim to be teachers and prophets, but are actually just making shit up are going to suffer and die and then suffer some fucking more. ‘

He says that god’s coming back soon, but not as soon as you may think. Apparently it could be thousands and thousands of years. So be patient.

2 Peter (audio)

Peter keeps saying things.

1 Peter (Peter's First Book)

Just like James, Peter decided he needed to tell people how to live their lives. This is the first installment of that.

He says this letter is written for all the people around the world spreading Christianity in Asia, Turkey, and Greece. 

He starts out saying that all the bullshit these people are dealing with is totally for the best because it makes them stronger Christians and all of this will help them get to heaven. 

He tells them to be good people, just like Jesus. Otherwise Jesus died for no goddamn reason and the whole thing was just a waste of time. He says, “All men are like grass and their accomplishments are flowers. Grass and flowers die. God doesn’t.”

He tells people to lead by example and live in a way that even people who hate you will be like, “Oh shit. Those guys at least do good shit.” And then he talks about when god returns soon. Which never happened.

He tells slaves to obey their masters no matter how harsh they are, because Peter was an asshole. He tells wives to submit to their husbands no matter how shitty they are, because Peter was an asshole. He tells husbands to be nicer to their wives because they’re weak and they make babies for us, because Peter was an asshole.

He says that you know you’re living your life right if everyone hates you and wants to kill you. That’s usually bad advice. He says it’s really important to live for god, but you’ll definitely be fucked with. So prepare for that.

He tells the young men of the church not to get too cocky and then tells everyone to make sure they greet each other with kisses. Which I think is a great idea.

1 Peter (audio)

Peter tells people how to live their lives.

James (Be Excellent to Each Other)

It’s basically two pages of James talking. He says, “Hey don’t worry if shit keeps happening to you. All the bullshit you deal with is just god fucking with you to make you a stronger person. Also, god will fuck with you by trying to make you do shit that he doesn’t want you to. He’s a weird guy.”

“Also, don’t get pissed off super easily and keep your fucking mouth shut unless you’re absolutely sure that you should say what you’re about to say. Don’t just listen to our rules about how you should live your life, actually do it. What, do you wanna be like some moron who looks at himself in a mirror and then forgets what he looks like immediately afterwards?”

“If you consider yourself to be religious and you’re always talking like an idiot, both you and your religion are worthless. Our whole purpose as a religion is to take care of widows and orphans and to keep ourselves from getting all fucked up in this fucked up crazy world. Also, don’t show more love to people who show up with fancy clothes and whatnot than you would to a homeless guy. If you do shit like that, you might as well be a murderer.” Side note: This is, I think, the least followed verse in the whole goddamn Bible except maybe the majority of the Moses laws.

Anyways, James keeps on rambling on, “If you believe that Jesus is god’s kid and you really wanna do good things, but don’t, then you’re a fucking idiot. I don’t care what anyone else says, faith alone is total bullshit. If you saw a guy starving and said, ‘Hey, I hope you get food soon.’ Would you actually walk away from the situation thinking you helped? If you would, then fuck you.”

“What? Are you gonna try and say that since you believe in one all powerful god, that’s all you need? Fuck you. Demons believe that shit, too. So fuck you, get out there and make the world a better place or go fuck right off. Without good deeds, your faith is bullshit.”

“Also, I really can’t stress this enough. The words that come out of your mouth fucking matter. Notice how the first thing we do when we tame an animal is take charge of its mouth? Yeah, there’s a fucking reason for that shit. Take charge of your own mouth and stop talking shit. Even one shitty little conversation about someone behind their back can ruin their fucking life. Fuck you. Shut the fuck up unless you absolutely need to speak.”

“I’ve been hearing a lot of people refer to themselves as wise. These people piss me off. They’re selfish, envious, greedy, and just shitty people all around. If you spend your life only searching out selfish desires, then I hate you. If you were actually wise, you’d know that working to make the world a better place is actually what will make you happy.”

“All of your stupid arguments and fights and shit are stupid. Submit to god. Follow god and don’t get sucked into all the shittiness of the world. And stop worrying about the people around you. Worry about your goddamn selves. You’re no fucking saint. I guarantee that shit.”

“Also, don’t brag about all the cool shit you’re about to do. For all you know, you’ll get run over by whatever our equivalent of a bus is tonight. Also, it pisses god off if you know that you’re supposed to do good things in someone else’s life and you don’t. Just an fyi.”

“Oh shit, and the last people I need to fuck with. The rich fucking oppressors. (this is an almost direct quote) You rich fucking assholes, weep and wail because of the misery that’s coming up in your future. Your wealth has rotted and moths have eaten your clothing. Your silver and gold have corroded somehow. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fucking fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. Look, motherfucker! The wages you failed to pay the workmen who labored for you are crying out against you. You are a dick. And god is going to fuck your shit right up.”

“And people who are suffering! Be patient. Jesus will come back and save you soon!” Side note: He didn’t.

James ends the book with advice on everyone to pray and spread the word around.

James (audio)

James tells everyone to shut the fuck up and be nicer to each other.

Hebrews (An Anonymous Letter to the Hebrews)

This is a letter to Christians in the Jewish community.  

The Bible that I’m reading doesn’t actually say who wrote this. 

The book starts out saying that for most of human history, god would send prophets down to tell us what was on his mind that week. A lot of times his mind changed and we were supposed to just wing it with whatever the prophets had to say. The author says, “But in these last days he sent his own son who totally became human to come down and die in a brutal way to save us from pissing god off.”

It kind of seems like the person writing this actually thought that they were in the end of days. 2000 years later, we know that they were wrong. 

He says that angels even never got the same treatment as Jesus. But he mentions that Jesus was made a human, which was kind of embarrassing to him, but once he died and conquered death he became divine and now he has the power to bring our asses up to heaven, even if we piss god off. 

Even with this bit of authority that he has, he’s still willing to call us his brothers, as long as we do what he says. 

It kind of seems like the author is trying to say that Jesus is way cooler and more laid back than god, because he was human once and totally gets how hard it is to not piss god off. So he gave us a pass.

He tells all the Jews to accept that, even though Moses was pretty amazing (when he killed his own people by the thousand for pissing god off, spent 40 years walking 453 miles with a million people in tow, and handed down dozens and dozens of nonsensical rules) Jesus was better. 

He rambles on about the Sabbath and how we should still rest one day a week. Then he goes back to talking about how amazing Jesus was/is. He says that from now on Jesus is the ultimate high priest and the other high priests have to go through him now. Then talks about the teachings of Jesus like they’re solid food instead of milk. It’s kind of a weird book. I don’t really like it. 

He brings money up. He says, “Ever since Abraham, the guy who raped his slave and almost murdered his son, we’ve been giving 10% of our earnings to god or when god isn’t around, our priests. Let’s keep doing that.”

He also says, “Still worship and all that shit; but since Jesus was pretty chill, I think we can calm down on all the weird customs of washing and what not. Also, we can stop slaughtering innocent animals by the dozen. That’s not necessary anymore, because Jesus died.” I’m not entirely sure what made him decide this. But I’m glad he did, because slaughtering animals for no reason is kind of fucked up.

He tells everyone to keep on spreading the word and living their lives in a way that won’t piss Jesus off. Because Jesus is way chiller than god, it’ll totally be easier. He mentions that if you do fuck up, because of course you will, the key is to have faith. If you truly believe that an omni present god (who had no problem slaughtering his own creation by the 10’s of thousands multiple times for pretty minor infractions) went and knocked up a teenage girl who had never had sex, and her son stayed in the same 8,000 sq mile area his whole life, until allowing himself to be brutally executed for committing no crime, and then rose from the fucking dead to hang out with a handful of friends for a couple weeks before ascending to heaven, and then appointed an executioner who was famous for being cold hearted and brutal to spread his words around with an added hint of his own, in hopes we would all start worshipping him so he can allow us into heaven because he loves us. Then you’re set. That’s the key, is just believing it. 

He goes on to talk about all the crazy times people accomplished amazing things just by believing hard enough, the Red Sea, Jericho, the hooker Rahab surviving Jericho, Gideon, Samson (who’s a bad example), and all those fun stories from the Old Testament. 

He ends with saying that god might be a lot chiller now, but he’s still not scared to punish people. Especially people who follow him. So don’t fuck up or he’ll make your life totally suck. 

Also, he tells early Christians to keep on being cool to each other and to be cool with all the oppression and violence they have to deal with. He doesn’t say, “One day WE’LL be the oppressors!” But he should have. 

Hebrews (audio)

An unknown guy's letter to the Hebrews about how they should be living their lives.

Philemon (The last Paul letter)

Paul wrote this when he was locked up. That doesn’t surprise me, because it seems like Paul was locked up a lot. 

Paul lets Philemon know that he’s on his mind a lot. Which is rarely what you want to hear from someone in prison. Paul apparently had a guy named Useful who was pretty useless, but he encouraged Philemon to give him another shot. Then he asks for a guest room when he gets out of prison. That’s literally all this book has.

Philemon (audio)

A one paragraph letter from Paul to Philemon that I have no idea why they included.

Titus (Paul's letter to Titus)

Paul starts this letter out referring to Titus as his son as well. Paul explains to him why he has to be in Crete dealing with all those assholes down there.

He says that Titus is in charge of Crete and making sure that they have a stable man in charge of the church down there. He says that you can’t be fucking lots of different ladies, your kids can’t be fucked up Side note: I think literally all pastor’s kids are at least a little fucked up, you can’t be a jerk, you can’t be quick tempered, you can’t be a drunk,  and you have to actually believe in this shit.

Paul says, “People say that Cretans are always liars, brutes, and lazy gluttons. These people are right.” He then encourages Titus not to fall into the same ways of life that the Cretans have. 

He tells Titus to not let old ladies be drunks and for them to teach young ladies to love their husbands and not be whores. He tells slaves to obey their masters and not talk back, because Paul was an asshole. 

Paul tells everyone just to live their lives the way they’d like people to in general. And not to fall into the same shitty ways that everyone else does things. He tells people not to fight amongst themselves and that’s pretty much all this book has to say.

Titus (audio)

A one page later to Titus involving Paul talking about how gross Cretans apparently are.

2 Timothy (more from Paul)

Paul starts this letter out again referring to Timothy as his son, because Paul had a lot of ideas as to his authority within this brand new religion. And the fact that I’m reading this now twenty centuries later means he was right. So good for him.

He tells Timothy not to be shy about being a follower of the Christian faith. This was back when shit like that would get you killed pretty much wherever you lived, so that’s kind of a tall order. He complains a little bit about how a few of his disciples have abandoned him. They probably did so because he’s an asshole.

He continues to encourage Timothy to keep being a good solid follower and lists off a few of the many ways he’s been fucked with. 

He tells Timothy to try and encourage everyone not to be regular people and have disagreements or want and enjoy things around them. He tells them to only focus on god and Jesus and only talk about that and only listen to his idea of how they should live. He talks about the church like it’s a house and says that some people are gold and silver, but other people are wood and clay. 

He starts talking about what the world is going to be like in the end of days. He says that people are going to love their own pleasure and they’re going to go around doing whatever the hell they want to. He says that people are going to be fucking women who don’t know any better than to worship god instead of letting them. Side note: This doesn’t really seem like it’s the end of days as much as how the world has worked since humans have existed.

Anyways, He ends by telling Timothy to stay strong and not let all the bullshit around him distract him from the good clean life of a Christian leader. Then he talks a bunch about their mutual friends. I’m not sure why they included this part.

2 Timothy (audio)

Paul's other letter to Timothy. Exciting stuff.

1 Timothy (Paul keeps writing things)

Paul starts the letter out saying, “This is written to Timothy, my true son in faith.” Paul really thought highly of himself as a leader. He started to think of himself as the father of the Christian religion.

He starts out telling Timothy to stay in Ephesus and keep on fucking with people who were saying things he didn’t agree with. He also mentions that the religion is not only intended for people who are doing good things with their lives but also to fuckos like slave traders, perverts, murderers, people who killed their parents is noted alongside murderers, and people who fuck people that they’re not married to.

He lets it be known that he speaks with authority because all kinds of stupid shit happens to him and he keeps surviving it. Also, he handed over two guys to Satan because they blasphemed. What a dick. He accepts slave traders and people who murder their parents but once you blaspheme he totally hands you over to Satan.

He tells Timothy to tell people how to worship properly and tells women to dress conservatively. He also tells women to stay in their place, because Paul was an asshole. He says that Deacons and Overseers need to be tested before they get any kind of authority in the church. They apparently have stopped doing this since then.

He tells people to eat whatever the hell they want to and then tells young people to be cool and not to let anyone judge them for being young. 

He tells everyone to treat each other well within the church, but there’s definitely limits. He says to make sure that a widow never cheated on her husband and is living her life well as are her kids, before the church does anything to help her. He says if any widow is under 60, not to let her around because she’ll be too busy trying to find dick to help with anything useful. Paul was an asshole.

He tells everyone to drink a little wine here and there. But not to go around sinning and pissing god off. He tells slaves to to respect their masters because Paul was an asshole. 

He also says that anyone who has an interest in wealth and financial security is a dick and shouldn’t be allowed into the church, because they’ll focus more on getting rich than they will helping the church grow. 

He ends by telling Timothy to keep up the good work.

1 Timothy (audio)

Paul's 1st letter to Timothy. Pretty much the same shit.

2 Thessalonians (Paul's letters don't stop)

This is the second letter to the Thessalonian people from the Christian killer turned respected member of the Christian church, Paul.

Paul had his friends Silas and Timothy help him with this one. They thank the church for existing once again. 

They warn the Thessalonians to watch out for dipshits that come around saying that they’re prophets or apostles, but actually are just shitty people trying to make a buck. Like Benny Hinn. 

They say that if they listen to Nimrods like these guys, it will pollute the church and make them all confused and stupid. They tell everyone to stand firm because at this point Christians were getting fucked with pretty hard. Paul asks them to pray, not for him even though he kept getting beat up and whatnot, but that their religion would spread all over the place.

He warns them not to stay idle, but to keep hustling.

2 Thessalonians (audio)

Even more from Paul

1 Thessalonians (Paul keeps em coming)

This is another letter written by the guy who did whatever the fuck he wanted until Jesus put fish scales in his eyes and then he became an expert on how people should live, Paul.

He starts out like every letter he writes that he’s so happy that the Thessalonian church exists and he’s praying for them to be great and awesome.

He says he’s glad he got to see them, even though he was afraid they might have thought his visit was kind of a shit show. Paul’s whole life was a shit show, so he didn’t feel that way at all. 

He tells them he’d love to come down and visit them, but Satan totally was preventing it. Probably because he was in prison. It doesn’t say that he was in prison, but he was a lot. So I’m going to say that he was.

He tells everyone that Timothy had good things to say about their church and that made him happy. He warns them, like he warns everyone, not to worry about doing anything of value, but only to live to make god happy.

He promises that Jesus is coming back soon, and dead people are going to crawl out of their graves and people who are alive and believe in Jesus are going to get escorted up into heaven, which is apparently just past the clouds. 

He tells them that this is going to happen soon, almost 2000 years later and it still hasn’t, so to live their lives better. Don’t get drunk and sleep all day, spend your time doing good happy Christian things. He warns them to stay away from everyone remotely evil and from now on to greet each other by kissing. Which is the first thing he’s had to say in a while, I can get behind 100%.

1 Thessalonians (audio)

More from Paul

Colossians (Paul just keeps these fucking letters coming)

Colossians is another letter from the guy who spent all of his time hunting and killing Christians and then all of a sudden decided that he was an expert on how they should be living their lives, Paul.

Just like every other letter, he thanks god that they exist and says he’ll pray for them. Then he jumps right in to say how badass Jesus is. He says, “He’s the first born of our crazy god who created everything! In case you didn’t know that Jesus was totally rad and decided to follow this religion anyways, now I’m telling you. Jesus made it so his crazy fucking father won’t kill all of us for no reason.”

Paul, again, jumps in to mention how much he’s gone through to spread this religion around. But he says it’s totally cool. He’s just trying to let everyone know how shitty it’s been, and he hopes it makes everyone stronger.

He tells everyone that because they’re Christians now, they’re free from all the shitty parts of human life. Like thinking for yourself and following logic. So he says, “Don’t let anyone tell you what to do! Eat whatever you want, celebrate a New Moon, work on the Sabbath. We’re all in the running for heaven. Don’t let those dipshits get you down.”

“Now that I’ve said, ‘Don’t let those dipshits tell you what to do.’ Here’s a list of things you shouldn’t do: Don’t get greedy, don’t fuck people you’re not married to, don’t worship things that aren’t Jesus (money counts), and don’t just give into my vaguely worded ‘evil desires.’ Also, don’t get angry and don’t swear or slander motherfuckers.”

He goes on to say, “If we follow these few simple rules, we’ll be just fine as a church and everyone will respects us. Also, here’s some more rules: Wives submit to your husbands, husbands love your wives and don’t beat them, children obey your parents, fathers don’t be assholes, slaves obey your masters, and masters be nice to your slaves.”

Fuck you Paul. 

Paul ends by saying he hopes they have good conversations and grow as a tiny little church into, presumably, one of those giant mega churches you see in the suburban midwest. He promises he’ll send someone down there at some point. He can’t because he may or may not be locked in prison. 

Colossians (audio)

Yet another letter from Paul

Philippians (Yet another Paul letter)

Philippians is yet another of the letters from the ex Christian killer turned Christian authority somehow Paul. Also his buddy Timothy helped him with this one.

It starts out with Paul thanking the Philippian church for existing and then he jumps right in to bragging about how often he gets arrested.

He says, “I’ve been arrested a shitload of times for preaching. But I don’t care. It’s actually worked out great, because people seeing me out there doing my thing become less afraid of their own shitty situation. It makes them less afraid to say their pieces. So just know, that if you’re going to follow this religion, you’re going to be fucked with all the time.”

Then he says, “If you’re going to be a Christian. Don’t be a douche bag. Try to be like Jesus. Jesus was chill, Jesus was humble. He was even chill all the way to his own execution! That’s pretty chill.”

He advices them to, “Not be whiny and shit. Only be happy and do everything you do with a good attitude. That’s how people will know that our religion is the best one.”

He promises to send Timothy down there at some point to help them get their church going and strong. He mentions that the last guy he tried to send down got sick and almost died. Just in case they were about to fuck with him on that issue. 

He really pushes everyone not to make themselves happy by the fun cool things in the world, but to focus on growing spiritually and hopefully we can all resurrect from the dead. 

He says it’s important that everyone has a common goal of this, too. Because that way everyone’s working together to achieve the same thing. 

He ends by saying thanks for all the gifts, but they really didn’t have to. He said he’s doing just fine. So they don’t need to worry about money.

And that’s the book. Short and boring as hell.

Philippians (audio)

Another letter from Paul.

Ephesians (More from Paul)

Ephesians is yet another letter written by the ex-orgy having, hate filled, drunken Christian killer turned religious expert in a day, Paul. It’s Paul’s letter to the Ephesians.

All of these books start out with the same greetings and a super shortened version of Paul’s theory on Christians being chosen by god to serve and all that jazz. He tells the Ephesian church that he was so happy that they exist that he’s been non-stop thanking god for that and praying that they keep their shit together and stay happy. 

He goes over the same thing as before that once you decide that Jesus is god, you die and he takes over and that everyone is equal as long as they’re a Christian. He makes a slight passive aggressive comment about how he’s currently incarcerated because of his work trying to teach the gospels to the Gentiles. 

Then he goes back to saying how everyone’s equal in the eyes of god. As long as they’re all Christians. He warns them all not to give in to their lust of nature and all things fun, but to keep up the good purity work. He says, “Yo, if you’re angry, calm down before you go to bed. Don’t give the devil a chance to convince you to do stupid shit. If you’ve been stealing shit, knock that shit off. Also, don’t say stupid shit. Only nice shit should come out of your mouth.”

“Also, don’t do all the fun sex stuff that doesn’t involve a married man and a married woman only. I have no idea why this is so important to me, but don’t do anything fun or kinky. Don’t get drunk on wine, instead get drunk on your own self-righteousness.”

“Women submit to your husbands, no matter what they say or do. Husbands, love your wives.”

Side note: Women submit to your husbands no matter what they do is not a piece of advice that should be given to anyone in any time in history. The whole idea of that is the exact nature of ownership, not partnership. Fuck you Paul. Also, Husbands, love your wives? What the fuck kind of rule is that? If it needs to be said, it’s probably not a healthy relationship.

Then he goes on to say that children should obey their parents, which I would agree with unless the parents are shitty shitty people. Then he says, “Slaves, obey your earthly masters.” Fuck you Paul. He does also tell slavemasters to treat their slaves well. But, as we all know, the only way to treat a slave well is to SET THEM FUCKING FREE. 

He then describes the basic principles of the Christian faith as if they were Roman era armor.

He says wear the Belt of Truth, Breastplate of Righteousness, the Shield of Faith, the Helmet of Salvation, and the Sword of the Spirit, 

Whatever, I’m still mad about the slaves and wives thing. Fuck you Paul.

Ephesians (audio)

ANOTHER letter from Paul. There's no shortage of these.

Galatians (Paul Paul Paul)

Galatians is another letter from the self-righteous ex christian killer turned christian authority somehow name Paul to the… you guessed it, Galatians.

He starts the letter out saying, “I’m actually surprised that you guys are already fighting over which gospel to follow. They’re all pretty much the same. Maybe you guys need to calm the fuck down.”

He then goes on to brag about how many christians he used to kill until Jesus jumped in to intervene. I think he’s assuming that if he lets it be known that he used to be a bastard, everyone else will stop being bastards. This is rarely a positive approach.

He tells the story about how the apostles begrudgingly accepted him as one of their own, and then brags about how he got in Peter’s face immediately after being accepted as an apostle because Peter was hanging out with non-jews and then Paul kind of speaks in circular logic and it doesn’t really make any sense by the time he’s done. 

He says, “I said to Peter right to his stupid face, ‘You’re a Jew, but you live like a Gentile. And you tell people to be like the Jews. We’re Jews by birth, not Gentile sinners. We don’t need to follow the law, because we believe in Jesus. Since we don’t need to worry about the law, because Jesus died to abolish the law, does that mean we should not worry about the law? No! Absolutely not! I’m not even alive anymore. I died when I became a Christian and now I just live my life with Jesus inside of me.”

I’m sure as Paul was ranting about this, Peter was staring straight at him wondering, “What the fuck does this have to do with the food I eat or the people I’m eating with?” 

Paul, then takes a crazy turn and starts yelling at the Galatians again all of a sudden. He says, “You foolish Galatians! Who’s fucking with your fragile little minds?” Then he yells at them for trying to read and follow the law and says, “We don’t need the fucking law anymore! That was the whole point of Jesus!”

It’s starting to look like Paul was a lunatic.

He takes a turn for the more positive saying that once you become a Christian. That’s your whole identity now. Whether you’re a Jew or a Greek, in slavery or free, male or female; it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you’re a Christian now. Then he apologizes for being sick one time.

He goes back to Genesis for a second here, saying, “Remember Father Abraham? He had two sons. The oldest one, Ishmael, he made by raping his slave Hagar. The other one, Isaac, he made by fucking his wife Sarah. We’re all descendants of Sarah. So god likes us more.”

Paul ends by saying, “Don’t chop parts of your dicks off. We do it because we’re Jews. If you do it, you might as well follow all the other crazy laws that come with that. Follow the happy parts of Christianity: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Don’t be like those other assholes and fall into sexual immorality, impurity, debauchery, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like as I did before.”

side note: Paul’s life sounded awesome before.

He tells people to be excellent to one another, but not to party on. He was like a Bill S. Preston who was very anti-Ted Theodore Logan.

Galatians (audio)

Another letter from Paul about how to live your life.

2 Corinthians (More Letters)

This book is just another fucking letter that Paul sent to the church in Corinth. But this one is even less fun to read, so I’m going to super skim it.

Paul starts out saying that he and some other guys went over to Asia to tell everyone what Jesus had said, and they were going to kill him. But they didn’t. 

Then he goes on to say in the most longwinded way possible that he had meant to return to Corinth a second time and then decided against it, because they were sinning too much. He lets them know that he’s forgiven them, but only to get back at Satan. Somehow.

He rambles on about how he traveled to Troas and never saw his friend Titus. So that’s a bummer. Then he makes a bold statement that he doesn’t preach for money, only for the joy of speaking for god. He said this to the very same people he demanded money from in the last letter. 

Then he talks about how great this current age is, where god’s way more laid back and actually makes people happy instead of terrified. Also, apparently god gave us all gifts and we’re supposed to keep them in clay jars. And everyone needs to focus on heaven and god and shit. Instead of their own shitty lives.

He talks for a while about how reconciliation is important and then lists off all the shitty things that christians have had to deal with in their short time as a religion. A lot of which he caused back in the day,

Then he refers to unbelievers and unclean. Much like ham and shellfish used to be until Peter had a dream that told him it was okay all of a sudden. 

He half-apologizes to everyone for his rebuke about their sexiness as a church, but then kind of recants and says he’s happy everyone repented for their horrible crimes of having men cover their heads while praying and all the other pedantic shit he was complaining about in 1st Corinthians. 

After that, he strongly encourages everyone to give as much of their assets to the church as they possibly can, because of course he does. Then he promised to send his friend Titus down to Corinth to help everyone out. Titus, the same guy who stood him up in Troas. 

He suggests that people give money to the poor. Which is noble of him. Then he defends himself preemptively. Then he tells them to watch out for false prophets that will lead them astray. Apparently, they’ll look and talk just like him, but they’ll ask for money. He’ll ask for money sometimes, too. I’m not sure what his advice was on how to discern the good ones from the bad ones.. 

He brags about his own personal suffering for a while. He says, “I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again.” It actually goes on a lot longer, with him talking about very specific times and very specific beatings that he received. Also, apparently, he had to escape from Damascus in a laundry basket. 

He ends by telling them he plans to come back and this time doesn’t need any money, to stay clear of all the fun adult stuff in life, warns everyone who doesn’t believe that he’s the new voice of Jesus, and then says goodbye.

2 Corinthians (audio)

Paul's second letter to the Corinthians. Nothing too exciting.

1 Corinthians (Another Paul letter)

This book takes place after the apostle Paul visited Corinth and didn’t give them enough information. They asked him to specify what the fuck he was talking about and he mailed them this letter,

He starts out saying that the most important thing to keep a church strong is that everyone follows the same teacher. “If one guy follows Apollos, one guy follows Peter, one guy follows me, and some fourth guy only follows the direct quotes of Jesus, we’ll be fighting and bickering and every goddamn thing until this religion just falls apart and everyone thinks we’re full of shit.” Side Note: That happened anyways.

Paul tried to encourage them to follow the teachings of Jesus first and look to Apollos, himself, and Peter second. He asks, “Did I die for you? Were you baptized in MY name?” Then he lists off everyone whom he did baptize and says, “That’s not what I meant.”

Then he rambles on about how conventional rules no longer apply. He says that with faith in Jesus weak people are strong and short people are tall and dumb people are smart. He said, “I didn’t say a lot of shit before because I was hoping that your faith would lie in god’s power and not in the stupid shit that I have to say.”

He tells them again to stop being divided amongst themselves, tells them that they’ve all hit some sort of spiritual jackpot by following him, and then makes threats to come back with a whip and discipline them for pissing him off. But also offers to come back in love as long as they stop.

Then begins the sexual shaming. He tells them to stop fucking people wrong. “If someone fucks their mom or stepmom, that’s gross. Kick their asses out of this fucking church. Anyone who is doing weird sex stuff is just as bad as a swindler, a greedy bastard, or a guy who worships idols and totems.”

Then he says that christians shouldn’t sue each other or get the law involved at all. The church should solve these problems themselves. You might remember this going swimmingly with the pedophile priest situation. 

Then he goes back to say there’s no room in heaven for gays, gigolos, drunks, swindlers, idolaters, or people who fuck outside of marriage. He says, “If you’re giving up your body for money, you’re pissing Jesus right off. Shame on you.”

Then he says “It’s a good idea for men to not fuck ladies or have wives in general. But I know how hard it is to not fuck something every now and again, so you should all shack up with someone. No more of this mass orgy shit. From now on, find someone of opposite gender and that’s your partner now. Make sure you and your partner fuck a lot otherwise one of you will be tempted to piss god off with your genitals. I wish, oh how I wish, that everyone could just be A-sexual like me, but then the world would stop working.”

Then he goes on, “If you’re not married, it’s best to stay that way. But if you really wanna fuck someone, it’s better to get married than to be horny all the time.”

“To the married, god just said to me, ‘If you’re a married woman and you wanna leave your husband, you can, but then you have to stay divorced for some reason. No remarriage for you unless it’s back to your original husband. If you’re a married man, don’t divorce your wife for any reason. If you marry someone and they’re not a follower of our church, then stay married. They’ll get into heaven simply because of you. Also your children are cool, too.’”

Then Paul adds, “But if the unbeliever leaves you, who cares? I don’t. Let them go. Also, we don’t care about circumcision anymore.”

Then virgins somehow got brought up. Paul leads the conversation in saying, “These words are definitely not from god. These are definitely coming from me. If you don’t wanna fuck, then don’t. You can still get married and not fuck. But I wouldn’t. Hey, guess what? The world is going to end soon. So do your best to not live your lives in a way that pisses god off. Side note: The world is still doing just fine, 1960 years later. If you’re married, you have to wait until your spouse dies before you can marry anyone else. But make sure they’re a christian. Also, I can’t stress enough. That I think being married is a bad idea.”

Next he rambles on about idols. He says, “Since idols and totems are just stupid and there’s only on big super god, Jehovah, then all that talk about food being sacrificed to idols is stupid. Basically, it’s just perfectly good food hanging out and I have no problem eating it. But if my eating it will make you want to go and fuck your sister or something weird, then I won’t.”

He gets into some weird conversations about the rights of apostles and tells everyone to treat their lives like an athlete training for a game, but instead of athletics we’re training for spiritual purity. He warns everyone not to fall into old Israeli habits of cheating on god and getting mass slaughtered.

Then he tells everyone to take communion and then talks about the rights of followers. This book is really boring. I’m surprised that anyone even finished the letter, much less decided to put it next to the epic sagas of the Gospels and Acts. 

Paul really starts to lose his mind with the last few parts of this letter. He says, “Any man who prays with a hat on or anything else covering his head dishonors his own head. On the other side of things, if a woman prays while NOT wearing a hat or some other shit on her head, she sucks. She might as well be bald.” He explains this by saying that men should show off their heads because they were the image and glory of god. Women are just supposed to bring glory to men. Paul was definitely a sexist asshole.

He rambles on a bunch about how all the different parts in our bodies have to work together to make our body as a whole work, and that’s how the church should work also. He makes sure that everyone knows to love each other and be patient and kind. He promises them that if they’re good, the holy spirit will swoop on down and let them ramble on in languages that they don’t normally know.

He reminds everyone that he used to fuck with all the people in the church, but then found out that he was pissing god off by doing it. He says, “Logically, I’m the last person who should be giving advice.” Side Note, after that man/woman rant I agree with him.

He end by saying that everyone needs to agree that Jesus totally cheated death and then tells them to have his money ready for him when he returns. Because he can’t be bothered to go collect it himself.

1 Corinthians (audio)

Paul writes a letter to his followers in Corinth telling them how to live their lives.

Romans (One of Paul's letters)

It starts out with Paul saying that he’d always wanted to come to Rome and share the teachings of Jesus with everyone there and luckily for him, he was shipwrecked at Malta. So, he decided to go live in Rome. 

This book is basically just a big open letter to the Romans. He starts out saying, “Ever since god created us, we’ve been pissing him off. He pretty much constantly wants to destroy 100% of us and never speak of it again, but so far he’s allowed us to live. Because of that, we should worship him. Some people don’t worship god. They just do whatever they want and then they become gay.”

“Don’t judge people or god will totally be more harsh when he’s fucking with you. Even though I just spent a paragraph damning people who have different sexual desires than me, I think it’s important to not judge anyone.”

“Cutting the front part of your dick off is not nearly as important as following the more logical ancient laws like not stealing and not cheating on your spouse. Oh and the ends DON’T justify the means. Check it. Ya heard it hear first.”

“Everyone pisses god off and the only way to stop pissing god off is to listen to Jesus, who’s also god.”

“When Adam and Eve ate that fruit that god left in the garden for some reason, they caused us to die. But thanks to Jesus, once we die we live forever in heaven. As long as you stay friendly with Jesus.”

“Basically, Jesus died because of all that shit you guys did. Everything everyone ever did and will do that pisses god off, he took out on Jesus. So that’s cool. You’re no longer pissing god off when you disobey the hundreds of rules he set out for you. But still don’t do that shit. Because it still pisses god off.”

“Stop pissing god off. Even though it’s in our nature to piss god off, he’ll help us stop pissing him off if we ask him to.”

“Nothing will keep us away from loving Jesus Christ. The guy, whom I never met and none of you ever will, is the person everyone needs to love more than anyone else. Because he died because you were pissing god off.”

“Is god unjust? No, he said to Moses, ‘I do whatever the fuck I want. I’ll kill who I feel like and not kill whoever I feel like as well.’ In my mind that makes him very just.” Side note: This is the exact definition of unjust.

Anyways. He goes on to says, “Israel didn’t see that their messiah was here, because they were too busy focusing on trying to do the right thing as opposed to just trusting god to fix everything on his own time.”

“God will in fact save Israel and rebuild it and all that jazz, but for now you guys just submit to authorities. Unless they tell you to disobey me or Jesus. If they try that, fuck them.”

“Jesus will eventually be known worldwide and Christianity will be the biggest religion.” That last part totally came true. 

Then the book just ends with him giving a shoutout to everyone he knows in Rome.

Romans (audio)

Paul writes a letter to the Romans.

Acts pt. 2 (Saul changes to Paul)

When we left off this guy Saul was just going around fucking with christians to his hearts desire. It didn’t matter if you were a man or a woman, if you showed even the slightest inclination of being a christian, he’d lock your ass up in prison or kill you. Depending on his mood. God was starting to get pretty sick of this shit…

Saul was on his way to Damascus when he just got knocked off of his horse and a voice said, “Saul! Why are you fucking with me?” Saul was just lying there helpless and was like, “Uh. Who’s there? Who am I fucking with?” The voice said, “I’m Jesus, dipshit. That’s who you’re fucking with. Now go to Damascus and I’ll tell you what to do from there.”

Saul got up and realized all of a sudden that he couldn’t see anymore. It took him more than the average one second to realize this, apparently. Everyone who was traveling had to help him out and guide him to Damascus and Saul was just so taken aback that he decided not to eat any food or drink any water for three days. 

Meanwhile God came down to this dude Ananias and said, “Hey! Ananias, go to this house on Straight Street and there’s gonna be a malnutritioned blind guy rambling on to me. Go touch his eyes, so he can see again.” Ananias was like, “Wait, isn’t that the fuck-o who’s been going around killing a bunch of us?” God said, “Yeah. But he’s cool now. Probably. I’m going to make him spread the word of me out to everyone else in the Roman Empire.”

So Ananias went and healed Saul’s vision and a bunch of scales fell out of his eyeballs. Apparently while Jesus was yelling at him, he had sneakily shoved a bunch of scales in his eyes and Saul didn’t notice. Once he got his vision back he started eating again also.

Then Saul went into Damascus and threw everyone off by being a christian all of a sudden. Imagine if Glenn Beck showed up to a rally as a liberal gay muslim sympathizer. That’s how confused they were. Everyone was waiting for him to show up preaching hate and lunacy, but he had totally changed his ways. So they decided to kill him. 

Luckily, Saul kind of saw this coming as it was his old way of doing things as well, so he got the fuck out of Damascus with this dude Barnabas. After that he met up with Peter and the rest of the crew and Peter raised some lady named Dorcus from the dead and then decided not to eat for a while. God came down and tempted him with a bunch of pork and other non-kosher food that would normally piss good off by eating. Peter was like, “I can’t eat that shit! It’s unclean!” And god said, “Fuck that shit! Eat whatever you want. I don’t care.” Apparently Jesus had helped calm god the fuck down on a lot of his ridiculous rules.

A centurion named Cornelius invited Peter into his house and Peter made the Holy Spirit come down and made everyone start rambling on in languages they didn’t know. A bunch of jews were mad about this, but Peter said, “Nah, dude. It’s cool. Jews and non-jews alike are all cool with god now.” Apparently Jesus had super helped god calm the fuck down.

After a quick trip to Antioch, the christians found themselves back in Herod’s jurisdiction. Herod hated christians and everyone else who told him things like, “Don’t fuck your niece and stop fucking your sister-in-law.” Herod actually totally had killed John the Baptist for this very reason. When Herod realized that these guys were back under his control, he had the apostle James’s head chopped right the fuck off and threw Peter in prison. 

Well luckily for Peter and unluckily for his guards, and angel came down and broke Peter out of prison. It was starting to look like no walls could hold him down. Herod was so pissed that he killed all the guards that were in charge of watching him. Herod was kind of a dick. His head started getting bigger and bigger and he went on down to Caesarea and had the crowd declare that he was, in fact, a god. This pissed god off, so he killed Herod by having him get eaten by worms right there in front of everyone. Everyone was probably pretty traumatized. 

After that horrible thing happened, Saul and Barnabas wandered on down to Cyprus to fuck with this dude named Bar-Jesus. Bar-Jesus was like a half christian/half some other weird sorcery religion. Saul decided to make him blind.

Around this time Saul decided that he didn’t like being named after one of the worst kings to ever rule in the history of human civilization. So he changed his name to Paul. 

Paul went down to Antioch and started telling all the non-jews that they were totally allowed to be christians, too! Everyone was pretty happy with this and they all changed their religions. Paul decided that he was on a roll and just tore up the country side converting goyum into christians, healing cripples, and preaching to anyone who would listen. Eventually, in a place called Lystra, a crowd was trying to kill animals and set them on fire for Paul and Barnabas. They were like, “No, no no. We’re not gods. We’re people just like you. Follow our ways and you can heal cripples, too.” Side note: You can’t.

Paul also shook up the church by saying that you could be a christian even if you had your foreskin. This pissed a lot of people off, but that didn’t matter. Paul kept wandering around Roman territory freely and converting people. He grabbed some guy named Silas along the way.

Paul and Silas stumbled across a couple of guys who had a slave girl on a leash who was reading minds and telling fortunes. As they walked up she said, “These guys are servants of the big super god. They’re going to try and convert you.” They decided that she was full of demons, so they screamed in her face, “In the name of Jesus, get the fuck out of this slave girl, demons!” The slave girl all of a sudden lost her powers and the slave owners got livid.

They had Paul and Silas dragged in front of the authorities and had them get the shit beaten out of them. After savagely beating them up, the guards locked their ankles in stocks in the deepest shittiest part of the prison. This pissed god off, so he sent an earthquake down to shatter the prison. Paul and Silas were having a good time, though. So they just chilled. When the warden came down and saw what happened he decided to kill himself, but Paul calmed him down. Then the jailer became a christian, too.

An official came down to see what the fuck was up with these two prisoners and Paul told him, “They beat us up and put us in prison without a fucking trial. We’re both Roman citizens, so let us the fuck out.” They were released immediately on the condition they leave town. 

They kept wandering around the empire preaching and preaching and eventually went to Athens to challenge all the greek philosophers. They were like, “Who the fuck is this guy?” And Paul went and found a statue to an Unknown god and said, “This unknown god is actually our god! He did everything and he’s super powerful. Also, we killed his son. But then he was okay. So now we preach to everyone we come across.”

He wandered off from there to Corinth to Syria and then Ephesus. In Ephesus a guy who had made his living building statues for the multiple chill gods of the area decided that Paul and his invisible god were getting in the way of his sales. A full scale riot broke out between the christians and the followers of Artemis and then it says, “And most people didn’t even know why they were there.”

Paul got the fuck out and went to Macedonia and Greece. Then he went back to Turkey to a city called Troas. Apparently he had a super long and boring sermon because a kid who was sitting in the window just passed the fuck out and fell to his death. Paul had to stop what he was doing and go all the way down to the street and raise this kid from the dead by jumping on him like a lunatic.  

Paul decided that he’d had enough of Turkey and sailed back to Jerusalem. As soon as he got back there people were all up on his dick saying, “What the fuck? You’re telling people not to circumcise their kids now?” Paul said, “Yeah. But I’ll still discourage all the weird sex stuff and eating food that’s been offered to idols for some reason.” Well this wasn’t good enough for some people and a riot broke out. A bunch of people just started beating the living shit out of Paul to the point where some soldiers had to come drag him to safety. 

As they were dragging him away, Paul convinced the soldiers to let him get in front of the crowd and tell his story of his conversion. After this the Roman soldiers dragged him away and interrogated him. Upon being interrogated he mentioned that he was a Roman citizen and they just got off his dick immediately.

Paul straight up ran his mouth off to the High Priest of the Sanhedrin. Everyone was torn on what the hell had been going on the last few years with this Jesus character and the changes in everything and this new sect of Judaism that allowed Goyim in. They couldn’t decide what was true and what wasn’t, so they decided to kill Paul.

They were going to ambush him at a meeting and just beat him to death, but a random soldier gave him a warning. So he got the fuck out and went back to Caesarea. While there he pissed off this guy Felix and got himself thrown in prison. Even after Felix died, his successor Festus, decided to let him rot a little longer until he got pressured to give him another trial. Paul got in front of Festus and used his Roman citizen card again. Festus had another ruler come and Paul spent the whole trial just preaching away. They decided to ship his ass to Rome and let Caesar deal with him.

Of course, while they were shipping him and all the other prisoners, god came down and fucked everyone’s shit right up with a storm. After two weeks of sailing through a storm, they eventually washed up in Malta. While in Malta, a viper bit Paul in the hand and he just threw the fucking thing into the fire. Everyone thought that he was an escaped convict, and they were right. But after he survived a viper attack with no poison, they decided that he was a god.

It doesn’t even say that he disputed this, either. He just wandered around Malta and fixed everyone’s illness and then peaced the fuck out to Rome. And that is where the story ends.