The book starts out with the genealogy of Jesus. And this makes no sense. It goes through Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, then to David and Solomon, and so on until it reaches Joseph. So Joseph was apparently a descendent of Father Abraham and King David. This doesn’t really matter unless Joseph was actually the biological father of Jesus which it pretty much says he wasn’t like right away. But whatever, he raised the guy so good for him.
So Mary was pledged to marry Joseph. Pledged is the key word here. Marriage back then didn’t really work the same way as it does now. How it worked back then and I guess still in a lot of places was; A grown man would go around checking out teenage girls. Once he found one that struck his fancy, he’d ask her dad for her. If the dad thought that this man would be an asset to his family, he’d give permission to marry. Joseph had totally convinced Mary’s father to hand over his daughter and that’s just how marriage worked.
So Joseph and Mary were about to get married. Right before their wedding, Mary found out that she was pregnant. The bible makes it very clear that the Holy Spirit had knocked her up and that’s the story that Mary stuck to. Who actually knows what happened in real life. In a culture like this one where women are treated as property more than people, it’s not hard to imagine that there was some fuckery actually happening here, and I don’t really feel like going into all the different possibilities.
Anyways, when Joseph found out that Mary was pregnant with NOT his child, he was going to kick her to the curb. He decided that he didn’t want her to be viewed as a whore, so he was going to divorce her in private and try and keep the whole thing under wraps.
While he was trying to figure out the best way to get rid of his pregnant wife, an angel came down and said, “Joseph! Don’t be mad at Mary for cheating on you! She didn’t really cheat, god just came down and knocked her up! That’s what happened! I swear! She’s going to have a son! Name him Yeshua! Yeshua means Joshua and over time while translating these texts people will change the name to Jesus for some reason!”
Well this was enough to convince Joseph that everything was a-okay. Also, apparently Isaiah had said at some point that a virgin will have a baby and that baby will be the savior and people will call him Immanuel and he’ll fix everything.
So Joseph went ahead and married Mary and didn’t fuck her until after Jesus was born. I guess he didn’t want his sperm to somehow fuck up this holy child and also, they didn’t really understand how these things worked back then.
Joseph, Mary, and Jesus were living in Bethlehem in the now Roman controlled province called Judea. There was a Roman appointed leader named Herod who called himself King Herod because he was an asshole and wanted to sound important.
An unspecified number of Magi or Wisemen from an unspecified place East of Judea approached him and said, “Hey! We saw a star in the Eastern sky and decided based on that that a kid was born west of where we were, and he’s going to be the king of the jews.” I’m not sure how they came to this conclusion.
Herod wasn’t very bright, though, and he brought together a council of important people and asked them, “Where the fuck is this new messiah I keep hearing about?” Everyone was like, “Dude have you even read the random rants of the Old Testament prophets? He’s totally in Bethlehem just like they predicted he’d be.”
Herod called back the Magi and told them, “Hey! Go find Jesus so I can also worship him, also.” The Magi didn’t see anything weird about this and followed a random star in the sky until they found Mary and Jesus. When they saw this little kid they started worshipping him and gave him presents that every little kid wants: Myrrh, which is an oil for killing bacteria, decreasing inflammation, and increasing menstrual flow, Frankincense, which is an anti-septic that also reduces the appearance of wrinkles, and Gold. They gave a small child two herbal remedies and gold. I don’t know why they did that. Those are weird gifts.
Anyways, either one or all of the Magi had a dream that Herod was an asshole and only wanted to know where Jesus was so he could murder him and stay in power, so they left Judea without talking to him.
An important thing to understand here is that Judea (modern day Palestine, Israel, and Gaza) was an Imperial province of the Roman Empire. How Imperial provinces worked, was people would have to pay taxes and whatnot to Rome, but they’d put a local in charge to keep everyone calm. The Judean people (or jews as they were called then and also now) thought that when this immanuel or messiah came, he was going to overthrow the Romans and make Israel a sovereign nation again. Since Herod was a puppet ruler, it was definitely in his best interest to keep this from happening even if it meant killing a little kid. Also, Herod was an asshole.
So anyways, the Magi realized this and got the fuck out of Dodge. An angel also came and told Joseph to get out of Judea for a while, so they snuck out in the middle of the night and went to Egypt. When Herod realized that the Magi weren’t coming back he did what, I think, anyone would do in his situation. He ordered his troops to slaughter every boy under 2 years old in the greater Bethlehem area. I really can’t stress enough how much of an asshole Herod was.
Well eventually Herod died, so Joseph and Mary decided to come back to Judea, but they stayed the fuck clear of Bethlehem just in case Herod’s shitty son decided to try and kill them, too. They decided to live in the city of Nazareth, in the district of Galilee about 100 miles or so north of Bethlehem.
So there’s Matthew’s version of the Christmas story. Now we skip forward to Jesus as a grown-up.
I don’t know why they didn’t write anything about jesus from little kid age to grownup age, but I’m pretty sure it’s because teenagers and young adults are fucking stupid and nobody wants to read about them, even if it’s the person whom they pray to.
So, this random guy just started wandering around Judea wearing camel fur and screaming at everyone to repent. When people would confess their sins to this crazy homeless guy, he’d dump them in water. Apparently things that you’ve done wrong in life can be washed away just as easy as dirt that accumulates on your skin. Everyone called this practice Baptizing and because of this, referred to this lunatic as John the Baptist.
There were different sects of religious judaism back then, and now i guess; John the Baptist was the voice of the most radical of all of those. He’d constantly talk shit on the Sadducees and Pharisees and call them a bunch of dicks. He was like, “Fuck you guys! Confess your sins and let me dunk you in water, cuz a new guy’s gonna follow up on me. And he’s going to be way more bad ass!” He was talking about Jesus.
Then Jesus asked him to baptize him and John was like, “Nah dude! You’re more important than me. You should baptize me!” I can’t imagine who wrote this shit down. Imagine sitting near a river and seeing two crazy looking bearded men standing in the water arguing over who should dunk whom in the water and saying, “I need to record this. This might be important someday.”
Anyways, John the baptist did what he did best and dunked Jesus in the water. Then apparently the whole fucking sky just opened up and god came out of the hole in the sky saying, “Hey! That’s my son! I like him.”
This is a big deal, because up until now god has not said a single positive thing. Like ever.
After that happened, Jesus decided to go wander around in the fucking desert and not eat any food for forty goddamn days. It literally says, “After fasting for forty days and forty nights, he was hungry.” Thanks. Thanks for that Matthew. Anyways, Satan was also apparently wandering around the desert because this was the place to be. Satan approached Jesus and said, “You seem hungry. If you’re really god’s son, why don’t you turn these stones into bread?” Jesus said, “Man doesn’t live on bread alone, but also needs scriptures and shit.” That doesn’t explain why he didn’t eat bread. That only explains why he reads scriptures.
Then Satan said, “Why don’t you throw yourself off a cliff and see if angels catch you?” Jesus said, “Because that’s a fucking stupid idea.” Then Satan told Jesus that if he worshipped him, he’d give him every kingdom in the whole world. Instead of saying, “Um, dude, my dad is god. So fuck you.” Jesus just said, “Nah dude, I worship Jehovah and only Jehovah. Also, leave me alone.” Satan decided to go find something else to do.
Then Jesus wandered down the shores of the Sea of Galilee (which is now called Lake Tiberias) and saw some guys fishing. He just decided based on nothing at all, that if they’re good at fishing, they’ll be good at following him around as he preaches. He told them to follow him and they just dropped everything they were doing and did.
Jesus and his little following just kind of wandered around Galilee aimlessly. They would touch sick people and all of a sudden they’d feel better, so people from all over Syria and Judea would come with their various illnesses and try and get Jesus to touch them. He started getting more and more popular, as you can imagine a guy who can cure disease just by touching people would.
He eventually found a mountain to stand on and preach to his huge following. He was like, “Hey! Fuck what you’ve all been told! If you’re being fucked with or your life sucks, you’ll have a better life after you die!” (That’s my interpretation of the Beatitudes at least)
Then he preached on saying shit like, “When you do good shit, make sure everyone knows about it.” and, “I don’t care what you heard, I’m not going to overthrow the fucking Romans. Follow their laws. Unless it conflicts with what I say, then don’t.” He went on some completely insane shit like, “Don’t murder people. Also, if you call someone an idiot behind their back, you’re basically a murderer.” and “Don’t cheat on your wife! Also, if you even are sexually attracted to someone other than your wife, you’ve already cheated on her. So gouge your fucking eye out if you find yourself attracted to someone you’re not married to. Also, if you masturbate thinking of someone that you’re not married to, cut your fucking hand off.”
Then he touched on divorce, “The only reason to get a divorce is adultery. If your husband beats you or abuses you, that’s no excuse. Stay with him otherwise you’re a whore and any man who’d remarry you is guilty of adultery.”
Then he told everyone to be true to their word. Then he started talking about pacifism, “Once upon a time people were taught an eye for an eye. I’ve decided that that’s fucking stupid. If someone punches you in the face, tell him to punch you again. If someone steals your tunic, give them more of your clothes for some reason. Also, love your enemies and when people persecute you, wish them well. I’ve decided that this is important. Help poor people, but don’t advertise it when you do it, even though I just told you to do that a little bit ago.”
Then he gave them a very specific prayer to say when they feel like praying. Also he said that if you don’t forgive people for fucking you over then god hates you.
Now is the part that tends to get lost on a lot of people who believe in this shit. Jesus is like, “Don’t work so hard on getting a bunch of nice shit, make sure you have happy eyes, and fuck money. Money is fucking evil. If your goal in life is to have a lot of money, you’re pissing god off.”
Then he just straight up lied to everyone, “Don’t worry about stuff. God always comes through. Look at how pretty these flowers are, I promise god will always take care of you and give you everything you need.” Tell that to the millions of your followers around the globe who are starving, slaves, or being systematically slaughtered.
Then he had some shit to say to everyone who thinks they’re better than everyone else, “Don’t go around judging people and deciding who they should live their lives. If you do, god will judge you. And chances are, you’re an even bigger asshole than them. Also, don’t give expensive stuff to pigs and dogs.” Then he went on to say that anyone who wants to follow him totally can and that god will always listen to your prayers and to not follow along with what everyone’s doing and find your own way, because people are stupid and what everyone’s doing is probably the wrong thing and it’s pissing god off. Then he said, “I know I just said that anyone who wants to follow me can. But if you’re an asshole and you live your life wrong, I’m not letting you into heaven.” Then he finished up with a metaphor of building your house on solid rock instead of sand, because rock is harder than sand.
Everyone was totally amazed by this whole sermon, because he wasn’t talking to them like he was a guy who’d read the scriptures and had an idea of what god wanted, he was talking to them like he was the fucking authority on the matter. Like his word was law.
Jesus walked down the mountain and immediately a guy with leprosy bum rushed him and Jesus just cured him right there on the spot and told him not to tell anyone what had happened, but to go show a priest that he didn’t have leprosy anymore. Then he healed some Roman Centurion’s slave and a bunch of other people.
One guy asked Jesus if he could follow him around and Jesus was just like, “yeah, but you follow me and you’re going to be homeless.” Another guy said, “I’m going to follow you, but my dad just died and I have to bury him.” Jesus replied, “Fuck that shit. Just follow me. Let the dead bury their own dead.” So the guy just up and followed Jesus around, leaving his fucking father’s rotten corpse to just sit there where it was.
I’m not making this up. This is actually in the fucking book. Matthew 8:21. Look it up.
Anyways, so also, while they were on a boat and a storm hit, Jesus told the storm to shut the fuck up and it totally did. Then he was walking around and these two fucking lunatics were trying to murder everyone they came across. Jesus decided that they were full of demons and exorcised them right there on the spot. The main demon asked Jesus, “If you’re gonna kick us out of these guys, can you at least put us inside those pigs over there?” Jesus decided that that was fair and moved them over to the pigs. Then the pigs just ran off wildly and drowned in the nearby lake. Pigs are really good swimmers by the way. So that’s weird.
Anyways, everyone was really happy about this except, I’m assuming, the farmer who owned those pigs. Nobody ever wants to talk about that.
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