So we just left off at the whore of Babylon, who was riding around on a weird monster holding a chalice of cum. As soon as we see her and get acquainted, an angel comes down and says, “Yo, fuck this lady! Everyone who gets near her fucks everything up! She’s a metaphor for great societies fucking up and pissing god off. God hates her, so you should too! He’s gonna fuck her right up, and it’d be best if you guys weren’t around her when it happens.”
Apparently, everything in this city is going to go to shit and the city is just going to wash away in the ocean and be completely forgotten by everyone in this already dying world. But then all the 24 guys dressed in white and the four eyeball covered beasts and gonna start singing a song about how great god is and how it’s so cool how he destroys things that piss him off.
They all call themselves the brides and wedding party of Jesus and they keep saying over and over again how Jesus’s teachings are totally the best ones and everyone who listens to them is on their side.
Then a giant white horse will appear with a guy named “Faithful and True” riding on it’s back. And once again, John goes into crazy town describing the fucking thing. He wages war with the people that have survived all the insanity of this book, his eyes are made out of fire and he’s wearing a shitload of crowns on his head. Like dozens. Dozens of crowns.
He’s wearing a white robe that’s been soaked in blood and he’s written a weird cryptic message on himself that only he can understand that says, “The Word of God.” The army that lives up in heaven that’s been laying dormant through all of our turmoil and bullshit is right behind him wearing clean bloodless white clothing.
The main guy who’s covered in blood opens his mouth and a giant sword just pops the fuck out. It fucks up every goddamn country and ethnic group in the world that didn’t get the memo about Christianity and this rider just takes over everyone and rules them with an iron scepter. He slaughters people indiscriminately and on his robe and tattooed on his thigh it says, “King of kings, and lord of lords.” Which is kind of redundant.
Then an angel appears and encourages a bunch of birds to feast on human flesh and horse meat. But only human beings and horses that pissed god off. Then the beast whose name isn’t mentioned but somehow translates into 666, gets captured by this new rider on the white horse and gets thrown into a giant volcano. Everyone else who pissed god off in their lifetime will get killed by the giant sword that came out of his mouth and the birds will eat them.
Then an angel comes down and grabs the dragon that tried to eat that baby earlier and throws his ass into the Abyss to live for 1000 years. The dragon is also that snake that got Eve to eat the apple and he’s also Satan. So for 1000 years there’ll be no Satan. But then he’ll get out apparently, but only for a little bit.
Then god grabs all the people who didn’t worship the devil or follow the guy whose name translates into 666 somehow and he lets them chill for 1000 years with Jesus. If they die before this goes down, they have to stay dead for 1000 years and then they get to wake up and hang out with Jesus.
After 1000 years, they let Satan out of his Abyss again and let him wander around to places like Gog and Magog and other cities that were apparently named by cavemen. He’s gonna rally up some troops and go try and fuck with god one more time, but god’s just gonna throw his ass into a volcano in the end.
Then god raises everyone from the dead and if they’ve been good, they get to kick it with god. If they’ve pissed god off, he’s throwing their asses into a volcano.
Then god’s gonna come down and rebuild Jerusalem. A city that has already been rebuilt, and there will be no more death or pain or hunger or thirstiness! Unless you’re a coward, a nonbeliever, vile, sexually active, a murderer, a magician, a liar, or a guy who still worships statues in this day in age. Then your ass gets thrown into a volcano.
John describes the new Jerusalem. It’s apparently 1400 miles wide and it’s got walls that are 200 feet thick for some reason. I’m not sure why they need 200 foot walls if they’ve already killed everyone remotely bad and if there’s no more death anymore. Also the whole fucking place is covered in jewels. The 200 foot thick walls are made out of pure jasper, the streets are solid gold that is as pure as glass. Which makes no sense. Every birthstone is represented in the decoration of the place. Then he says again, the streets are pure gold, which is transparent like glass… I am starting to think that John didn’t know what words mean.
He did mention that there’s no temple there, because god and Jesus just hang out, so there’s no need. The only way you can get into this place is if you haven’t pissed god off.
Oh every street also has a stream of clear water flowing down it and there’s gonna be delicious fruit growing on the sidewalks all the time. And it’s always light outside.
It ends by John swearing up and down that all of this shit is happening soon as god is his witness! 2000 years later and we’re still waiting.
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