We pick up right after Jesus drowned an entire drift of pigs because a demon asked him to. So after this happened he just hopped right on a boat and sailed across the Sea of Galilee back to his home town of Nazareth. When he got off the boat, a big group of people were waiting for him and they brought him to this house where there was a paralyzed guy laying on a mat.
Jesus walked up to the guy and said, “Don’t worry, paralyzed guy, I’m forgiving you of all your sins.” Hooray! Just what I’m sure that guy wanted to hear. Well a bunch of religious teachers were hanging out in the crowd and they were like, “Who the motherfucking shit do you think you are? That’s blasphemy if I’ve ever heard it.” Jesus told them to calm the fuck and said, “Well, you know, I’m totally allowed to forgive sins, because god says that regular people can forgive sins now. Also, it’s way easier to say, ‘I’m forgiving your sins’ than it is to say, ‘Get up and walk, paralyzed guy.’” Without even giving them time to respond, Jesus turned the paraplegic and said, “Oh also, get up and walk. Like right fucking now.” The paralyzed guy just stood the fuck up and went home. Everyone was pretty thrilled.
And now we get to the part where Matthew starts talking about himself in the third person. So, on top of installing a jewish puppet ruler in Judea, the Romans also sent jewish people to collect taxes from their own people for them. Everyone hated these guys, not only because they exploited their own people for the oppressing race, but also because they’d usually upcharge people for their own personal benefit. Much like a lot of hipsters do today while renting out rooms in their apartments.
Anyways, Matthew was one of these assholes. And when he was wandering around shaking people down for cash, Jesus just walked right up to him and said, “Hey! Stop shaking people down and come with me.”
Matthew immediately complied. Everyone in the crowd was like, “What the shit, Jesus? Why are you grabbing that shady butthole instead of one of us cool people?” Jesus said, “I don’t know. Why don’t you bring healthy people to the doctor? I’m not here to fuck with the people living their lives right, I’m here to help assholes like this guy live their lives better.”
Someone also approached Jesus and said, “How come your followers don’t fast like all the other religious people?” Jesus said, “Because I’m here and making everything awesome.” Then Jesus allowed some lady to be healed because she grabbed his clothes. He did this on the way to some guys house whose daughter had just died. Jesus walked into the house and said, “You’re a dipshit. You’re all fucking dipshits. This girl’s not dead, she’s just sleeping!” Then the girl woke up. It’s not really clear if this was an actual miracle or if the girl was actually just sleeping and the guy thought she was dead. If it’s the latter I would certainly hate to live in that guy’s house. Every single morning you’d wake up to mourning and crying and then ridiculous celebrations.
Anyways, Jesus kept wandering all over Judea and healed some blind guys and made a mute guy speak. The Pharisees were like, “Fuck this guy, he’s using demonic power to heal people.”
Jesus then decided to give his 12 main followers similar powers to his own. He was like, “Go out and fuck with this shitty world and make it better! Heal sick people, raise the dead, and kick demons out of people! But don’t get greedy. And by greedy I mean, don’t own anything. Just the fucking clothes on your back. That’s all you get.”
Jesus kept wandering around and eventually he found out that his old buddy John the Baptist (the other crazy homeless guy who told people how to live their lives, but this one wore camel skin instead of clothing) was in prison. Jesus said, “Fuck that shit, John the Baptist is a righteous dude.” Then he cursed the cities of Korazin and Bethsaiada for not welcoming him in with open arms. He was like, “Fuck those guys. I bet Tyre and Sidon would’ve been cooler than you assholes. I will make sure god fucks you up worse than he did Sodom and Gomorrah.” To my knowledge this never happened.
Anyways, some time passed and Jesus was walking around someone’s grain field on the Sabbath with his 12 followers. They seemed hungry so Jesus started picking grain that didn’t belong to him so he could make them some food. Some rando who was also hanging out in the grain field said, “Hey! You can’t do that! Today’s the Sabbath and you’re doing work!” Jesus just replied, “Shut the fuck up you letter of the law preaching douche bag.” Then he walked right into the synagogue and healed a guy with a fucked up hand right in front of everyone and said, “Fuck you! I’ll heal on the Sabbath! If anyone has any shit to do on the Sabbath, fucking do it!”
Well he was really starting to piss everyone in power off. A bunch of Pharisees were trying to smear campaign him, saying, “He just does all the shit because he’s a servant of Beelzebub.”
Beelzebub is either Satan himself or Satan’s right hand man. It’s not really clear. Either way, Jesus said, “Fuck that shit. If I worked for Beelzebub, wouldn’t I be fucking shit up instead of making the world better? Also, if you’re going to rob a guy who’s stronger than you, you should probably tie him up first.” That last part is totally in the bible. Matthew 12:29
Anyways, Jesus told the Pharisees that they were a bunch of dicks. Then he said that everyone who follows his teachings is his family. Then he talked about the similarities between good farming and following his teachings right. He also mentioned that a mustard seed is very small, but turns into a giant tree. Then he said a lot of other cryptic shit, speaking only in riddles and parables. I really hate when people talk like that.
Anyways, a new puppet ruler had been appointed in Judea and his name was also Herod. It wasn’t the original Herod from before. Totally new Herod. Well new Herod heard about Jesus and decided that he was just John the Baptist raised from the dead. What had happened was, Herod decided to start fucking this lady named Herodias. Herodias was originally married to Herod’s brother Phillip. But with a name like Herodias, she was bound to end up fucking Herod. So, John the Baptist told Herod, “Stop fucking your sister-in-law.” And Herod decided that John the Baptist was a judgmental asshole who needed to fucking die, but he couldn’t kill him because he had a strong following.
Well, on Herod’s birthday, the daughter of the woman he was fucking did a strip-tease for him. With all the blood rushed away from his brain and into other less intelligent parts of his body, he offered her whatever the hell she wanted. Instead of asking for money or power or anything good, she just said, “Cut off John the Baptist’s head and give it to me on a platter.” I can almost guarantee that Herod was not expecting this response even a little bit. But, he DID say he’d do whatever she wanted. So he cut off John the Baptist’s head. Now he was worried that he’d come back to fuck with him. He was wrong to worry about that.
Jesus heard about this while he was out to sea somehow, so he brought his boat back to the shore to mourn the death of one of his best friends. But there was a huge crowd that had gathered at the shore, so he opted to help them and heal people instead of mourning. The crowd was about 5,000 people strong and they were there all day watching him heal people and listening to them speak and eventually all of them realized they hadn’t eaten all day. Someone suggested they take a break and everyone go get food and come back, which would be logical. Jesus said, “No, fuck that shit, give them the food you’re holding right now.” The guy was like, “I’ve got like 5 fish and 2 loaves of bread. That’s not enough food for 5000 people.” Jesus grabbed the food and started tearing hunks of fish and bread off and it just kept coming. Eventually there was enough fish and bread for everyone with 12 baskets of leftovers. Then the bible says, “The number of MEN was 5,000. That doesn’t count women and children.” That’s just how this book works.
After all this went down, Jesus decided to take a stroll up to the side of mountain to chill the fuck out and have some alone time. He was chilling and praying and probably mourning the death of his friend, when he looked out on the sea and saw a boat full of his followers having a hard time with a thunderstorm. He did what anyone would do and just walked out into the middle of a giant lake and told them to calm down. Everyone was like, “Holy shit! It’s a ghost!” And Jesus was just like, “Nah, dude, it’s me. Just walking on top of water like I do.” Peter, one of his followers, said, “Hey! can I come out there, too?” Jesus was like, “I don’t see why not.” Peter got out the boat and started walking on the water, too. But then he got scared of the wind (because Peter was kind of a pansy) and fell into the water. Jesus pulled his ass out of the water and made fun of him for being scared of the wind while he was walking on water. I think the moral here is supposed to be, “if you believe hard enough, you can walk on water.” You can’t. I tried once when I was little and I almost drowned.
Anyways, Jesus and his followers were pissing the Pharisees off once again by not washing their hands before they eat. Jesus completely changed the subject and yelled at them about some unrelated matter that they may or may not have been guilty of. Then Jesus announced to the crowd in direct defiance of Moses’s laws, “It doesn’t matter what you eat, just don’t be an asshole. Also, if you let a blind guy lead another blind guy around, eventually they’ll fall into a hole or crash into something. Don’t do that. It’s fucking mean.”
So Jesus left the cities of Tyre and Sidon where he apparently had been this whole time and went around healing people and feeding people. He healed some canaanite woman’s daughter even though everyone hated the canaanites since they were a race of people whom Noah cursed because his son saw him naked when he was black out drunk. He fed 4000 more people. This time with 7 loaves of bread and an unspecified amount of fish. He also told a bunch of Saducees and Pharisees that they were fucking stupid and didn’t realize that the world was changing in a way that would leave them and their archaic ways behind.
So, it started coming to the point that Jesus knew his time was very limited. He’d accepted that he was going to fucking die, what with all the Pharisees and Saducees that he’d pissed off, the fact that he had a big enough following to be a threat to the Romans, and of course new Herod was crazy paranoid about him. Jesus told his main 12 followers that he was going to die soon. He said, “I’m going to die; but within three days, I’ll be alive again.” Peter said, “No! Fuck that shit! That will never happen!” Jesus said, “Get behind me Satan!” Peter was like, “I’m not Satan. I’m Peter. We met on a boat. I almost drowned. Remember.” Jesus was like, “Dude, I was just saying that you’re trying to fuck with the whole plan. And stop it.” Peter was like, “Well you didn’t need to call me Satan. That kid of hurt my feelings.” Jesus didn’t care.
Jesus turned to everyone and said, “So yeah! I’m going to fucking die. I don’t care and you shouldn’t either. If you truly wanna follow me, you’re going to have to die, too. Don’t be scared. I’ll make it worth your while at the end.”
Six days later Jesus grabbed Peter, James, and James’ brother John (not John the Baptist, a new John. This one was James’ brother) and went up to a secluded place on a nearby mountain. When they got up there Jesus started glowing as bright as the sun and his clothes became so white they hurt everyone’s eyes. Peter was like, “Well I’m really glad you brought us here. Even though my eyes hurt, and my feelings are still hurt from that Satan comment, I’m gonna make some shelters. I’ll make three, just in case Elijah and Moses decide to come down from heaven and join us.” Lucky for him, they totally did.
Then god opened the skies up to say, once more, “This is my son. Listen to him. He knows what’s up.” I think this was god’s way of realizing that Jesus was way better at dealing with humanity than he ever was and handing the reins over. Peter, James, and John freaked the fuck out because they were afraid they’d see god’s face and die immediately. But when they looked up, all they saw was Jesus glowing away. Apparently Elijah and Moses decided to leave with god.
The four of them walked down the mountain and Jesus said, “Hey guys, don’t tell anyone about that shit, okay? Wait until I die.” Then they asked him why about Elijah and why he looked familiar. Jesus told them that John the Baptist was Elijah reincarnated. Which explains why he dressed in camel skin instead of the modern roman garments that everyone else wore. Matthew 17:10-13. They always skipped that part in Sunday School.
So, once again, Jesus went and wandered around doing good deeds and pissing off the religious types. They came across a little boy who had seizures and would occasionally shake himself right into the fireplace. Everyone who looked on decided that this was a clear case of demonic possession instead of epilepsy and started trying to exorcise the demons. Apparently Jesus’s followers were unable to do it, so Jesus had to do it himself. He yelled at everyone afterwards and said, “Fuck you guys. If you just believe harder, you can do shit like this! Even if you have a little faith. Like a very small amount. Like a fucking mustard seed even. You can move a mountain. A fucking mountain. You can look at a mountain and say, ‘get the hell out of my way!’ and it totally will.” Side note: I tried this once, it didn’t work.
Anyways, some guys tried to make Jesus pay a tax to visit the temple and he decided to make Peter go fishing. Peter caught a fish and opened it up. Inside was the exact amount that they needed. “That’s a weird way to go about this Jesus.” Peter said.
When Jesus got inside the temple he started telling everyone exactly what was on his mind. He grabbed a little kid out of the audience and said to everyone, “Hey! See this little kid! He’s pretty awesome. Little kids are awesome and you should try to be more like them. Not in the crying, whining, and bullying people for no reason kind of way. In the innocent and humble sort of way. Remember when you were kids and you weren’t sure of anything? You were always trying to do the right thing, but didn’t always because you were still figuring shit out? Yeah, keep doing that. Once you’re sure of something, you start finding ways to be a dick while convincing yourself that you’re doing the right thing. Fuck that shit. Be like a little kid forever. Not in a weird way. Just… Fuck you. You know what I mean. Also, and I will not stress this enough, if you force a little kid to do shit that you know they shouldn’t be doing, like fucking them or making them fight wars for you, I will personally make sure you burn in hell forever. You’d be better off tying a fucking millstone around your neck and jumping into a deep fucking lake.”
“Also, like I said before, chop off your hands and gouge out your eyes if they cause you to sin.” Side note: Don’t do this.
He kept talking, “Don’t be so mean to kids for fucking up, too. If you’re a shepherd and one of your hundred sheep wanders off, are you gonna go find the fucking thing or just let it die out there? If you answered the latter then you’re a dick.”
“Also, if someone close to you fucks you over, let them know. If they don’t care, bring it up with your community.” Then Peter said, “If someone fucks me over, how many times should I forgive them, 7 times?” Jesus replied, “No! 70 times 7. So 490. That’s a good number. Forgive someone 490 times. Or as many times as you want to be forgiven.”
Then he told a story about a guy who owed his landlord or whatever a shitload of money. This guy was an asshole and decided he was going to sell his family off into slavery to pay his debt back. The landlord was like, “Dude, don’t do that. That’s fucked up. I’ll forget about the debt. Just don’t sell your wife and kids into slavery.” The guy was so happy that that he went and found a peer that owed him money and started strangling him and eventually had him thrown into prison. Jesus said, “This guy was an asshole. Fuck this guy. Don’t do shit like that.”
So then the crowd asked him, him being Jesus, and unmarried man, “What do you think about divorce?” Jesus said, “I’m opposed to it!” They were like, “Moses said it was okay!” Jesus said, “yeah, because you guys were dicks back then. Now I’m saying don’t do it. Unless someone cheats. Then it’s okay.” Again, spousal abuse not listed as a reason. Fuck you Jesus. You should’ve said something about that.
Anyways, Jesus went and wandered around blessing children and talking in riddles. Eventually a rich man approached him and said, “Hey! I wanna go to heaven, can you help me with that?” Jesus said, “Yeah, as long as you get rid of all your wealth. There’s a better chance of a camel walking through the eye of a needle, than there is of a rich man getting into heaven.” The guy was like, “But there’s literally no chance of a camel walking through the eye of a needle!” Jesus said, “Yeah dude. That’s my fucking point. Fuck rich people!”
So Jesus then wandered off and healed some blind people and solved a few minor disputes within his twelve followers. He also mentioned once more to everyone, that he was going to die soon.
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