Galatians is another letter from the self-righteous ex christian killer turned christian authority somehow name Paul to the… you guessed it, Galatians.
He starts the letter out saying, “I’m actually surprised that you guys are already fighting over which gospel to follow. They’re all pretty much the same. Maybe you guys need to calm the fuck down.”
He then goes on to brag about how many christians he used to kill until Jesus jumped in to intervene. I think he’s assuming that if he lets it be known that he used to be a bastard, everyone else will stop being bastards. This is rarely a positive approach.
He tells the story about how the apostles begrudgingly accepted him as one of their own, and then brags about how he got in Peter’s face immediately after being accepted as an apostle because Peter was hanging out with non-jews and then Paul kind of speaks in circular logic and it doesn’t really make any sense by the time he’s done.
He says, “I said to Peter right to his stupid face, ‘You’re a Jew, but you live like a Gentile. And you tell people to be like the Jews. We’re Jews by birth, not Gentile sinners. We don’t need to follow the law, because we believe in Jesus. Since we don’t need to worry about the law, because Jesus died to abolish the law, does that mean we should not worry about the law? No! Absolutely not! I’m not even alive anymore. I died when I became a Christian and now I just live my life with Jesus inside of me.”
I’m sure as Paul was ranting about this, Peter was staring straight at him wondering, “What the fuck does this have to do with the food I eat or the people I’m eating with?”
Paul, then takes a crazy turn and starts yelling at the Galatians again all of a sudden. He says, “You foolish Galatians! Who’s fucking with your fragile little minds?” Then he yells at them for trying to read and follow the law and says, “We don’t need the fucking law anymore! That was the whole point of Jesus!”
It’s starting to look like Paul was a lunatic.
He takes a turn for the more positive saying that once you become a Christian. That’s your whole identity now. Whether you’re a Jew or a Greek, in slavery or free, male or female; it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you’re a Christian now. Then he apologizes for being sick one time.
He goes back to Genesis for a second here, saying, “Remember Father Abraham? He had two sons. The oldest one, Ishmael, he made by raping his slave Hagar. The other one, Isaac, he made by fucking his wife Sarah. We’re all descendants of Sarah. So god likes us more.”
Paul ends by saying, “Don’t chop parts of your dicks off. We do it because we’re Jews. If you do it, you might as well follow all the other crazy laws that come with that. Follow the happy parts of Christianity: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Don’t be like those other assholes and fall into sexual immorality, impurity, debauchery, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like as I did before.”
side note: Paul’s life sounded awesome before.
He tells people to be excellent to one another, but not to party on. He was like a Bill S. Preston who was very anti-Ted Theodore Logan.
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