It starts out with Paul saying that he’d always wanted to come to Rome and share the teachings of Jesus with everyone there and luckily for him, he was shipwrecked at Malta. So, he decided to go live in Rome.
This book is basically just a big open letter to the Romans. He starts out saying, “Ever since god created us, we’ve been pissing him off. He pretty much constantly wants to destroy 100% of us and never speak of it again, but so far he’s allowed us to live. Because of that, we should worship him. Some people don’t worship god. They just do whatever they want and then they become gay.”
“Don’t judge people or god will totally be more harsh when he’s fucking with you. Even though I just spent a paragraph damning people who have different sexual desires than me, I think it’s important to not judge anyone.”
“Cutting the front part of your dick off is not nearly as important as following the more logical ancient laws like not stealing and not cheating on your spouse. Oh and the ends DON’T justify the means. Check it. Ya heard it hear first.”
“Everyone pisses god off and the only way to stop pissing god off is to listen to Jesus, who’s also god.”
“When Adam and Eve ate that fruit that god left in the garden for some reason, they caused us to die. But thanks to Jesus, once we die we live forever in heaven. As long as you stay friendly with Jesus.”
“Basically, Jesus died because of all that shit you guys did. Everything everyone ever did and will do that pisses god off, he took out on Jesus. So that’s cool. You’re no longer pissing god off when you disobey the hundreds of rules he set out for you. But still don’t do that shit. Because it still pisses god off.”
“Stop pissing god off. Even though it’s in our nature to piss god off, he’ll help us stop pissing him off if we ask him to.”
“Nothing will keep us away from loving Jesus Christ. The guy, whom I never met and none of you ever will, is the person everyone needs to love more than anyone else. Because he died because you were pissing god off.”
“Is god unjust? No, he said to Moses, ‘I do whatever the fuck I want. I’ll kill who I feel like and not kill whoever I feel like as well.’ In my mind that makes him very just.” Side note: This is the exact definition of unjust.
Anyways. He goes on to says, “Israel didn’t see that their messiah was here, because they were too busy focusing on trying to do the right thing as opposed to just trusting god to fix everything on his own time.”
“God will in fact save Israel and rebuild it and all that jazz, but for now you guys just submit to authorities. Unless they tell you to disobey me or Jesus. If they try that, fuck them.”
“Jesus will eventually be known worldwide and Christianity will be the biggest religion.” That last part totally came true.
Then the book just ends with him giving a shoutout to everyone he knows in Rome.
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