It starts out with the author of this book talking to this guy Theophilus, who was apparently whom this book was written for. He’s talking about Jesus’s ascent into heaven and says that it’s only a matter of time before Jesus comes back the same way he left. It’s been almost 2000 years and as far as we know this hasn’t happened, but we’ll see what the future holds.
With Judas’s suicide, they needed to find a new 12th disciple. They chose this guy named Matthias over another dude whose name was Joseph called Barsabbas AKA Justus. It says they chose Matthias by casting lots, but I think they chose him just because he didn’t have a ridiculously long name.
Then came the time of the Pentecost. Everyone was hanging out and praying and shit and the holy spirit decided to come make a loud and boisterous entrance to the game. People said it sounded like a violent wind came out of heaven and filled their homes. To make sure its presence was known the Holy Spirit made everyone start blabbering out in a bunch of different languages, just like god made everyone do at the Tower of Babel all those years ago.
A passerby saw this and said, “Man, those guys are fucking wasted!” I’m not quite sure what made him decide this as I’ve never been so fucked up any substance that I started speaking a completely different language that I didn’t speak before. I’m not even sure that’s possible.
Peter stood up in front of a crowd and said, “I’m not drunk! It’s nine in the morning! Jesus said he was gonna send the Holy Spirit on us and he totally did! You fuckers killed him! But now you can ask for forgiveness and go to heaven. Like literally. It doesn’t matter what kind of fucked up shit you’ve done in your life. Ask for forgiveness and you’ll be okay!”
Peter and the other 11 disciples went out telling everyone to repent and started gaining a following. They called this following “The Christians” because of Jesus.
One day Peter was walking into the temple when a beggar who couldn’t walk asked him for some change. Peter said, “I don’t have any money, but you should probably stop being crippled.” The beggar stood up and freaked out with joy! He started jumping around and dancing in the temple. This is usually frowned upon, but I’m sure they let it slide this one time.
Peter talked to the crowd about how not only did he and the other 11 disciples have the power to do this shit, but anyone who believes hard enough totally does. Side note: You don’t have the power to heal people who can’t walk. Unless you’re a spine and leg doctor. In which case good for you. Well Caiaphous and a bunch of the other shitty priests had no love for Peter and they brought him in front of themselves to defend his actions and claims. Peter said, “Fuck you Sanhedrin, which is apparently what you call yourselves all of a sudden. You killed Jesus. But that’s cool. As long as you admit now that he was totally the Christ, then you’ll be fine.
The Sanhedrin had no response tot his especially because they had totally just seen that crippled dude get up and dance. So they told Peter to fuck off for a while as they talked amongst themselves. They decided it was best to try and warn Peter and John to stop talking about Jesus. Peter and John came back before them and said, “Eat a dick, Sanhedrin. We’re doing it.”
At this point all the christians started taking care of their own in a way that they totally don’t anymore. People who owned large amounts of land would sell it to help a different christian out. There were no needy christians, they took care of their own. Then this guy Ananias also sold his field, but he decided to keep some of the profits for himself and his family. Peter decided that this was the worst thing anyone could possibly do and said, “You’re not just lying to me! Side note, it doesn’t even that he lied about anything. It just says that he kept some of the money for himself. You’re lying to god! So fuck you!” Ananias just died right there on the floor. It’s not clear if Peter gave him a heart attack or if god saw an opportunity to just swoop down and kill a simply person because it had been so long since he’d done that.
Ananias’s wife Sapphira came by three hours later and Peter asked her, “That money that your husband gave me, was that all of it?” She said, “Yeah. As far as I know!” Peter screamed, “Fuck you! I just made your husband die for lying and now you die, too!” Sapphira died right there on the spot. Peter was pretty unforgiving for a guy who denied even knowing Jesus to complete strangers the exact night that Jesus got hauled off by an angry mob.
Anyways, after killing two people for holding onto some of the profits from the sale of their own land, the disciples wandered off and healed a bunch of people and made people feel bad about how they were living their lives. Eventually a bunch of Sadducees got sick of listening to them and had them thrown in jail under the charges of being annoying. God sent an angel down to the jail and he broke them out like a fucking drunken relative might. They just walked right out and kept on preaching.
The Sanhedrin heard about this and the Sadducees swore up and down that the prison was secure and there were armed guards and everything. They approached the disciples and said, “Dude, we asked you nicely to stop talking about this fucking Jesus character. Now please fucking knock it off and especially stop telling people that we’re the ones who killed him!”
Peter said, “Fuck you guys. You killed Jesus and we don’t have to listen to you. We listen to god and that’s way more important than you assholes.” The Sanhedrin told the disciples to take five and this younger priest said to the rest of them, “Hey remember that Theudas guy? He had a bunch of followers and when he got killed, all his followers dispersed. Jesus just got killed and I bet if we just leave them alone, all the disciples of Jesus will eventually fade out, too. Unless they’re actually right and god’s on their side, in which case you can’t do anything anyways.”
The disciples went and put 7 more people in charge and then this other dude Stephen got picked up for allegedly talking shit on Moses and god. They brought him in front of the Sanhedrin and he said, “Fuck you guys! Back when Abraham was living in Mesopotamia, god came to him and started this whole pact with god thing alongside our traditions of chopping parts of our dicks off. Same shit with Joseph. And Moses and Gideon and David! The list goes on and it would seem that god doesn’t always appear to the people in charge, just the ones he feels like talking to. So there’s a chance you guys might just be a little off on your religious beliefs.”
The Sanhedrin killed him by throwing rocks at him until he died. This dude named Saul was there and he was totally for it. Saul loved watching christians get murdered. SO much that he took it upon himself to go out and fuck up as many christians as he possibly could.
Even with all this happening, christianity kept spreading around like wildfire and they even got a famous sorcerer named Simon to change his religions. At one point he pissed Peter off by offering him money. Everything was smoothed out, though.
This was also the time that Philip decided to fly on down to Ethiopia on a horse and chariot, to spread this hip new religion down there. He had the help of a eunuch, which is a guy whose balls have been chopped off. All this time, this dude Saul was going around killing christians freely. But more on him later.
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