When we left off this guy Saul was just going around fucking with christians to his hearts desire. It didn’t matter if you were a man or a woman, if you showed even the slightest inclination of being a christian, he’d lock your ass up in prison or kill you. Depending on his mood. God was starting to get pretty sick of this shit…
Saul was on his way to Damascus when he just got knocked off of his horse and a voice said, “Saul! Why are you fucking with me?” Saul was just lying there helpless and was like, “Uh. Who’s there? Who am I fucking with?” The voice said, “I’m Jesus, dipshit. That’s who you’re fucking with. Now go to Damascus and I’ll tell you what to do from there.”
Saul got up and realized all of a sudden that he couldn’t see anymore. It took him more than the average one second to realize this, apparently. Everyone who was traveling had to help him out and guide him to Damascus and Saul was just so taken aback that he decided not to eat any food or drink any water for three days.
Meanwhile God came down to this dude Ananias and said, “Hey! Ananias, go to this house on Straight Street and there’s gonna be a malnutritioned blind guy rambling on to me. Go touch his eyes, so he can see again.” Ananias was like, “Wait, isn’t that the fuck-o who’s been going around killing a bunch of us?” God said, “Yeah. But he’s cool now. Probably. I’m going to make him spread the word of me out to everyone else in the Roman Empire.”
So Ananias went and healed Saul’s vision and a bunch of scales fell out of his eyeballs. Apparently while Jesus was yelling at him, he had sneakily shoved a bunch of scales in his eyes and Saul didn’t notice. Once he got his vision back he started eating again also.
Then Saul went into Damascus and threw everyone off by being a christian all of a sudden. Imagine if Glenn Beck showed up to a rally as a liberal gay muslim sympathizer. That’s how confused they were. Everyone was waiting for him to show up preaching hate and lunacy, but he had totally changed his ways. So they decided to kill him.
Luckily, Saul kind of saw this coming as it was his old way of doing things as well, so he got the fuck out of Damascus with this dude Barnabas. After that he met up with Peter and the rest of the crew and Peter raised some lady named Dorcus from the dead and then decided not to eat for a while. God came down and tempted him with a bunch of pork and other non-kosher food that would normally piss good off by eating. Peter was like, “I can’t eat that shit! It’s unclean!” And god said, “Fuck that shit! Eat whatever you want. I don’t care.” Apparently Jesus had helped calm god the fuck down on a lot of his ridiculous rules.
A centurion named Cornelius invited Peter into his house and Peter made the Holy Spirit come down and made everyone start rambling on in languages they didn’t know. A bunch of jews were mad about this, but Peter said, “Nah, dude. It’s cool. Jews and non-jews alike are all cool with god now.” Apparently Jesus had super helped god calm the fuck down.
After a quick trip to Antioch, the christians found themselves back in Herod’s jurisdiction. Herod hated christians and everyone else who told him things like, “Don’t fuck your niece and stop fucking your sister-in-law.” Herod actually totally had killed John the Baptist for this very reason. When Herod realized that these guys were back under his control, he had the apostle James’s head chopped right the fuck off and threw Peter in prison.
Well luckily for Peter and unluckily for his guards, and angel came down and broke Peter out of prison. It was starting to look like no walls could hold him down. Herod was so pissed that he killed all the guards that were in charge of watching him. Herod was kind of a dick. His head started getting bigger and bigger and he went on down to Caesarea and had the crowd declare that he was, in fact, a god. This pissed god off, so he killed Herod by having him get eaten by worms right there in front of everyone. Everyone was probably pretty traumatized.
After that horrible thing happened, Saul and Barnabas wandered on down to Cyprus to fuck with this dude named Bar-Jesus. Bar-Jesus was like a half christian/half some other weird sorcery religion. Saul decided to make him blind.
Around this time Saul decided that he didn’t like being named after one of the worst kings to ever rule in the history of human civilization. So he changed his name to Paul.
Paul went down to Antioch and started telling all the non-jews that they were totally allowed to be christians, too! Everyone was pretty happy with this and they all changed their religions. Paul decided that he was on a roll and just tore up the country side converting goyum into christians, healing cripples, and preaching to anyone who would listen. Eventually, in a place called Lystra, a crowd was trying to kill animals and set them on fire for Paul and Barnabas. They were like, “No, no no. We’re not gods. We’re people just like you. Follow our ways and you can heal cripples, too.” Side note: You can’t.
Paul also shook up the church by saying that you could be a christian even if you had your foreskin. This pissed a lot of people off, but that didn’t matter. Paul kept wandering around Roman territory freely and converting people. He grabbed some guy named Silas along the way.
Paul and Silas stumbled across a couple of guys who had a slave girl on a leash who was reading minds and telling fortunes. As they walked up she said, “These guys are servants of the big super god. They’re going to try and convert you.” They decided that she was full of demons, so they screamed in her face, “In the name of Jesus, get the fuck out of this slave girl, demons!” The slave girl all of a sudden lost her powers and the slave owners got livid.
They had Paul and Silas dragged in front of the authorities and had them get the shit beaten out of them. After savagely beating them up, the guards locked their ankles in stocks in the deepest shittiest part of the prison. This pissed god off, so he sent an earthquake down to shatter the prison. Paul and Silas were having a good time, though. So they just chilled. When the warden came down and saw what happened he decided to kill himself, but Paul calmed him down. Then the jailer became a christian, too.
An official came down to see what the fuck was up with these two prisoners and Paul told him, “They beat us up and put us in prison without a fucking trial. We’re both Roman citizens, so let us the fuck out.” They were released immediately on the condition they leave town.
They kept wandering around the empire preaching and preaching and eventually went to Athens to challenge all the greek philosophers. They were like, “Who the fuck is this guy?” And Paul went and found a statue to an Unknown god and said, “This unknown god is actually our god! He did everything and he’s super powerful. Also, we killed his son. But then he was okay. So now we preach to everyone we come across.”
He wandered off from there to Corinth to Syria and then Ephesus. In Ephesus a guy who had made his living building statues for the multiple chill gods of the area decided that Paul and his invisible god were getting in the way of his sales. A full scale riot broke out between the christians and the followers of Artemis and then it says, “And most people didn’t even know why they were there.”
Paul got the fuck out and went to Macedonia and Greece. Then he went back to Turkey to a city called Troas. Apparently he had a super long and boring sermon because a kid who was sitting in the window just passed the fuck out and fell to his death. Paul had to stop what he was doing and go all the way down to the street and raise this kid from the dead by jumping on him like a lunatic.
Paul decided that he’d had enough of Turkey and sailed back to Jerusalem. As soon as he got back there people were all up on his dick saying, “What the fuck? You’re telling people not to circumcise their kids now?” Paul said, “Yeah. But I’ll still discourage all the weird sex stuff and eating food that’s been offered to idols for some reason.” Well this wasn’t good enough for some people and a riot broke out. A bunch of people just started beating the living shit out of Paul to the point where some soldiers had to come drag him to safety.
As they were dragging him away, Paul convinced the soldiers to let him get in front of the crowd and tell his story of his conversion. After this the Roman soldiers dragged him away and interrogated him. Upon being interrogated he mentioned that he was a Roman citizen and they just got off his dick immediately.
Paul straight up ran his mouth off to the High Priest of the Sanhedrin. Everyone was torn on what the hell had been going on the last few years with this Jesus character and the changes in everything and this new sect of Judaism that allowed Goyim in. They couldn’t decide what was true and what wasn’t, so they decided to kill Paul.
They were going to ambush him at a meeting and just beat him to death, but a random soldier gave him a warning. So he got the fuck out and went back to Caesarea. While there he pissed off this guy Felix and got himself thrown in prison. Even after Felix died, his successor Festus, decided to let him rot a little longer until he got pressured to give him another trial. Paul got in front of Festus and used his Roman citizen card again. Festus had another ruler come and Paul spent the whole trial just preaching away. They decided to ship his ass to Rome and let Caesar deal with him.
Of course, while they were shipping him and all the other prisoners, god came down and fucked everyone’s shit right up with a storm. After two weeks of sailing through a storm, they eventually washed up in Malta. While in Malta, a viper bit Paul in the hand and he just threw the fucking thing into the fire. Everyone thought that he was an escaped convict, and they were right. But after he survived a viper attack with no poison, they decided that he was a god.
It doesn’t even say that he disputed this, either. He just wandered around Malta and fixed everyone’s illness and then peaced the fuck out to Rome. And that is where the story ends.
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