Colossians is another letter from the guy who spent all of his time hunting and killing Christians and then all of a sudden decided that he was an expert on how they should be living their lives, Paul.
Just like every other letter, he thanks god that they exist and says he’ll pray for them. Then he jumps right in to say how badass Jesus is. He says, “He’s the first born of our crazy god who created everything! In case you didn’t know that Jesus was totally rad and decided to follow this religion anyways, now I’m telling you. Jesus made it so his crazy fucking father won’t kill all of us for no reason.”
Paul, again, jumps in to mention how much he’s gone through to spread this religion around. But he says it’s totally cool. He’s just trying to let everyone know how shitty it’s been, and he hopes it makes everyone stronger.
He tells everyone that because they’re Christians now, they’re free from all the shitty parts of human life. Like thinking for yourself and following logic. So he says, “Don’t let anyone tell you what to do! Eat whatever you want, celebrate a New Moon, work on the Sabbath. We’re all in the running for heaven. Don’t let those dipshits get you down.”
“Now that I’ve said, ‘Don’t let those dipshits tell you what to do.’ Here’s a list of things you shouldn’t do: Don’t get greedy, don’t fuck people you’re not married to, don’t worship things that aren’t Jesus (money counts), and don’t just give into my vaguely worded ‘evil desires.’ Also, don’t get angry and don’t swear or slander motherfuckers.”
He goes on to say, “If we follow these few simple rules, we’ll be just fine as a church and everyone will respects us. Also, here’s some more rules: Wives submit to your husbands, husbands love your wives and don’t beat them, children obey your parents, fathers don’t be assholes, slaves obey your masters, and masters be nice to your slaves.”
Fuck you Paul.
Paul ends by saying he hopes they have good conversations and grow as a tiny little church into, presumably, one of those giant mega churches you see in the suburban midwest. He promises he’ll send someone down there at some point. He can’t because he may or may not be locked in prison.
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