When we left off, the stars were crashing down to the planet and the sky rolled up like Elmer Fudd’s Dickey. Everyone everywhere begging for death. And that was only when the 6th seal was opened.
After this shit happens, four massive fucking angels are going to come down to the four corners of the Earth (the Earth being that round object that we all live on with zero corners) and their entire goal is just to fucking ruin everything! They’ll be blocking the very distinct four winds that apparently exist. Then another fifth angel will come down and stop them. He’ll say, “Don’t fuck everything up yet! Not until I put a magic seal on 144,000 random jews’ foreheads! You see, conveniently there are exactly 12,000 good people descended from each one of the 12 tribes of Israel. God wants them safe.”
After the fifth angel marks the foreheads of those 144,000 people, every goddamn person from the history of human kind will show up dressed exactly like they were when Jesus (and John who’s righting this fucking thing) entered Jerusalem. They’ll be yelling a bunch of stuff about how great god is and what not. Then the crazy eyeball covered beast things from before will join in. Apparently everyone is wearing white. They’re wearing white because they washed their clothes with Jesus’s blood. And Jesus’s blood is actually bleach, apparently.
So, after all this, the seventh seal will finally be opened! Of course before they open there seventh seal, seven angels have to come up and burn incense and blow seven trumpets because god loves the number 7.
When the first angel plays his trumpet, it will rain hail, fire, and blood all over the place. Chunks of ice will be mixed with fire somehow, and god’ll throw in some blood just to fuck with the extra queasy people. This will burn 1/3 of the earth, 1/3 of the trees, and literally all the fucking grass. All of it. Fuck you, grass.
When the second angel plays his trumpet, a giant mountain (that’s completely on fire) will just get up and jump into the fucking ocean. When this happens 1/3 of all the water turns into blood; and because of this 1/3 of the sea creatures will die. Because sea creatures can’t live in blood. Just water. Also 1/3 of all the boats will be destroyed. Which doesn’t make any sense, but neither does any of this.
When the third angel plays his trumpet, one of the stars (named “Wormwood” or “Bitterness”) will fall from the sky (because John didn’t know how stars work) and poison a third of the world’s water supply. A bunch of people will die drinking this poisoned water. As opposed to a fucking star crashing into the earth.
Then the fourth angel’s going to play his trumpet, and 1/3 of the sun will turn black (because John didn’t know how the cosmos work) and so will 1/3 of the moon (which happens pretty often) and also 1/3 of the stars will turn black.
When the fifth angel blows his trumpet, a star will come down from the sky and just be handed a weird key. Because in John’s mind, stars have arms and legs and thoughts and whatnot. The key that the star’s going to get is the key to the Abyss. When this star uses the key and opens the Abyss, a shitload of smoke is going to come out. It’ll make the whole sky black and also swarms of locusts will come flying out. But these are no ordinary locusts, these are scorpion locusts. These scorpion locusts aren’t going to hurt any of the 144,000 descendants of Abraham, but they are going to torture everyone else for 5 solid months. (it mentions that everyone being tortured by these scorpion locust things will want to die, but won’t be allowed to.)
Also, these scorpion locusts aren’t just an ungodly mix of scorpions and locusts, they also look like warhorses. They’re also wearing little golden crowns for some reason, and they have human faces.
I just need to stop for a second and give you John’s description of these fucking things.
Imagine a grasshopper. But… It’s wearing a crown, has a human face, women’s hair, lion’s teeth, they’re wearing iron breastplates, their wings sound like thousands of horses running, and they have scorpion tails with enough venom to torture almost every human consistently for 5 solid months. 153 days or so. Anyways,
They’ll have a leader. His name is Destroyer, because of course it is.
Oh and all that shit is just the first of the three woes.
When the sixth angel blows his trumpet a weird voice is going to come out of this altar that says, “Release the four angels that are just hanging in that nasty ass Euphrates river!”
So apparently there have been four angels sitting right in the middle of one of the most unstable regions on the fucking planet and they haven’t done shit this whole time. But once that altar tells them to do shit, it’s fucking on.
Well it’s probably a good thing they didn’t do anything. Because as soon as they get to it, they’re going to slaughter a third of the human race.
Then a huge army of 200 MILLION people will just come out of… somewhere… it’s not really specified. So this army the population of fucking Brazil will just appear. 200 million riders on horseback. And just like the locusts earlier, John’s imagination kind of starts going into Mulberry street insanity.
They start out as just horses with riders. Their colors are a fiery red, dark blue, and sulfuric yellow. Their horses’ heads are actually lions’ heads, though. And they breathe fire… and sulfur. The fire and sulfur that comes out of these weird lion horses will kill another 1/3 of the human race! And on top of that, they have snakes for tails! And the snakes will bite people as they’re dying! Through all of this, the last 1/3 of mankind will just keep going around fucking whomever they want, doing magic, praying to statues, and killing each other.
Then another angel’s gonna come down and when he speaks 7 thunders also speak, but apparently whatever they said, wasn’t for this time. But the angel from John’s imagination will come down and and force him to eat a scroll. It’ll taste great, but it’ll give him diarrhea.
Apparently after John eats that scroll, he’s going to have to go around prophesying and wear a burlap sack for an oddly specified 1260 days. He’ll have another guy’s help, too. And they’ll all have the power to burn people alive with their breath if they try and fuck with them. Because that’s just the way it has to go.
And again we go to crazy town, because on top of the fact that these burlap sack-clothed men can breathe fire, they can also turn water into blood, stop the rains with their minds, and also fuck up anything they want to with whatever plague they want. (This is actually what the book says, it’s not me being lazy)
But as soon as they’re done with their 1260 day stint, a huge beast from the Abyss will kill them. Their bodies will lie in the cities of Sodom and Egypt. Sodom being a city that was destroyed a long time ago and Egypt being a country, not a city. People will gloat over their dead bodies because they will have pissed people off that bad while they were prophesying. Then after three and a half days, they’ll rise from the fucking dead and set off a fucking earthquake that will kill 7,000 people. This is the second woe. The third is still to come.
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