So when we left off last, Jesus was wandering around healing people and pissing off the establishment. Eventually he said to some of the guys following him around, “Hey! Go get me a donkey. Let me ride that donkey donkey.” So Jesus rode into Jerusalem riding on a donkey. The people in Jerusalem were so excited that they started throwing palm tree branches at him for some reason.
Finally Jesus arrived at the main temple and saw people selling doves and changing money. This drove him into a violent rage and he screamed, “Fuck you guys! This is supposed to be a place to pray and you guys are turning it into some shady den of thieves!” Then he started knocking shit over and breaking stuff. Then he calmed down and healed some people.
The next day he wanted some figs, but the fig tree had been picked dry. Jesus was kind of losing his mind at this point and said, “Fuck you fig tree! Because you don’t currently have any figs, you’re going to never produce another fig again!.” The fig tree just withered up and fucking died right in front of everyone. They were like, “How the hell did that fig tree just die so quickly?” Jesus responded, “Oh that’s nothing special. You guys could do the same if you wanted. In fact, if you just point at a mountain and tell it to go drown itself in the ocean, it will totally do that for you.” Side note: It won’t. Trust me.
Then Jesus just talked in riddles a bunch more. He kept trying to keep himself from saying that he was the messiah, but a large group of followers decided that he totally was. The Sadducees and Pharisees kept trying to badger him with stupid questions and Jesus kept putting them right in their places. Eventually Jesus got sick of their shit and listed off 7 woes. Because, just like god, Jesus loved the number 7.
After he was done telling the religious people off, he grabbed a few followers and told them not to trust anyone else who said that they were the christ. He was like, “I’m Jesus Christ and I’m the only christ ever.” Then he looked around and mentioned casually that Jerusalem was going to fall again at some point. Nobody paid it that much mind, because Jerusalem had fallen before and it was fine.
Then Jesus said, “I’m totally gonna come back one day. That will be the end of time. The end of days. The final countdown. The apocalypse. I don’t know when. One day.” So far this has not happened.
He talked in riddles about virgins and oil and talents and investment banking. While he was rambling on about this, this guy Caiaphas and a few others were planning to kill him. They got one of his main followers, Judas to sell him out for 30 silver pieces. I don’t know how much money that translates to in real life, but it can’t be nearly enough to sell out your friend.
Anyways, they all went to Bethany and some lady dumped fancy perfume on his head and his followers yelled at him. They were like, “Can’t you just sell that shit and give the money to the poor?” Jesus said, “No! Fuck them. There will always be poor people, but I’m only here for a little bit. Let people do what they want.”
Then Passover started. if you remember Exodus part one, you’ll remember that Passover is a big fucking deal with a shitload of rules and jews love eating feasts and obeying rules more than anything else in the whole world. Jesus decided to host this year, but since he was homeless he had to commandeer someone else’s house. It seriously doesn’t even say this guy’s name. It just calls him a certain man, and it definitely doesn’t say if he was cool with this shit or not.
So they started eating and Jesus just got right to the point, “One of you fuckos are gonna betray me.” He said, “It’s gonna be the guy who dipped his hand in the bowl at the same time as me. Fuck this guy. Whoever betrays me is an asshole and the world would be better off if they were never born.” Judas said, “Well you know it’s not me!” Jesus said, “Yeah it is you dick.”
I don’t get why he had to fuck around like that. A: He knew he was going to die and be betrayed. That was his fate. Why the hell is he saying that Judas should’ve never been born? And B: What the hell was that, “Whoever dipped their hand in the bowl with me” crap. That’s just tacky.
Anyways, Jesus also told Peter that he was gonna disown him to three separate people. Because he totally could see the future. Then he broke a hunk of bread off a loaf and said, “Eat some of this shit, it’s totally my body.” They were like, “No dude, that’s bread.” Jesus was like, “Dude, I was talking in riddles again.”
Then he poured them some wine and said, “Drink this shit, it’s totally my blood.” Everyone was like, “Gross.” Jesus said, “Nah, dude. Just talking in riddles again. It’s totally just wine.”
After dinner Jesus grabbed everyone but Judas and went to Gethsemane. When he got there he wandered into the woods and argued with god over whether or not he had to die. He was starting to really like this whole human life. Well, god just gave him the cold shoulder and Jesus went and found everyone else. They were sleeping and that pissed him off.
Judas found him, kissed him, and handed him over to the romans. Peter pulled out his sword and chopped one of the guys ears’ off. Jesus was like, “Dude, knock that shit off. If I wanted, I could have a huge unseen army of angels and shit that exists for some reason come fight for me, but I didn’t, so calm the fuck down.” Then Jesus let them drag his ass away and fuck with him. Peter got all butthurt and wandered off. Through the course of the night he told three separate people who asked that he “never knew this Jesus asshole.”
Judas started coming to terms with the fact that he had sold his friend out for 30 pieces of silver and it was definitely fucking with him. He tried to give Caiaphus his money back, but Caiaphus was like, “Fuck that shit. You earned it.” Judas threw the money at them and decided to go break Jesus out of jail to make up for his temporary insanity… Just kidding he killed himself outside in this guy’s field. The priests felt bad for this, so they bought the field from the guy.
So jesus had to stand trial in front of the Roman governor, Pontious Pilate, for the crime of pissing people off and having believes that not everyone agreed on. When Pilate said to the crowd, “Being annoying and disagreeing with you does not make this man a criminal!” The crowd yelled, “We don’t care, kill him anyways! In fact, kill him the most brutal way you can think of!”
So Pilate had his legionnaires beat the living shit out of Jesus. They whipped him with horsewhips an unspecified amount of times, they tore his clothes off, the spit loogies in his face, and made an intricate crown out of thorns and jammed it on his head. Legionnaires were the cops of their time and apparently, cops haven’t changed much in 2000 years. Anyways, they also beat him on the head with a stick over and over again.
They built a cross for him to hang from, and to add insult to injury, they literally made him carry the fucking thing to the execution ground. Unfortunately he was so tired from the series of ass kickings the legionnaires gave him for no reason, that he couldn’t carry the fucking thing the whole way.
One of the Legionnaires just picked a random guy out of the crowd. No fucking joke, they just grabbed a guy and they were like, “Who are you?” He was like, “I’m Simon! I’m from Libya!” They were like, “We don’t care. Help this asshole with his cross.” So Simon from Libya, who did nothing wrong, was forced to carry a heavy ass cross for some guy he’d never met.
When they reached the execution ground, they nailed Jesus’s wrists into the sides of the cross and nailed his feel in too. Then they stuck the cross into a hole in the ground so he’d just hang there bleeding out and suffocating. Someone tried to feed him a washcloth full of vinegar. Jesus didn’t even want it. Because that sounds gross.
When he finally died, which apparently takes a long fucking time, the curtain at the temple of Jerusalem tore in half, a bunch of rocks broke, and a bunch of dead people started wandering around. A centurion who was there to guard the area said, “Oh shit! That guy was totally god’s kid.”
So they buried him in a small cave with a big ass rock in front of it. They even hired a guard to guard the cave because they were afraid that someone would come steal the body or have sex with it or something.
It didn’t matter. After a few days, Jesus got up and wandered on back to town like nothing had happened. He preached a little more, but mostly just told everyone, “See? I told you I was gonna rise from the dead. Motherfuckers can’t keep me down!” Eventually, though, he got sick of trying to save the same assholes who’d just left him to die in the worst way possibly so he went up to heaven on his own accord. He left with the words, “I’m the fucking authority now. God gave me that authority. I’m in charge. And I’ll be around for the rest of this eeee-on.”
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