It’s important to note that this book was written by John when he was marooned on a fucking island.
It starts out saying that the shit that this book contains is totally legit and from Jesus himself, and not just from John’s own head, and it’s super important to take note! Because all of this crazy shit is about to go down like right fucking now! 2000 years later and it still has not happened.
John says, “I was just chilling here being marooned and all of a sudden a loud trumpet-like voice said, ‘Hey! Write this shit down!’ I turned around and all I saw were seven golden lamp stands. Oh also, and Jesus. Jesus was there, too. Oh actually I’m not sure it was Jesus. It just looked like him. Well, he was dressed like him. Except his hair looked like bleached wool, or even snow. Also his eyes were made of fire. His feet looked like molten bronze. And his voice sounded like rushing water… So I guess he didn’t look anything like Jesus, but I’m assuming it was Jesus. Because otherwise this whole book is pointless.”
“Anyways, he was also holding seven fucking stars in his right hand and a huge fucking sword came out of his mouth. Oh, and his face was as bright as the fucking sun! Needless to say, I just dropped to the fucking ground out of sheer terror. Then he said, ‘Hey, calm the shit down. Don’t be scared of me and my sword tongue, fire eyes, hands that can hold stars apparently, and face that permanently damages your eyes when you look directly at it. Everything’s cool. I’m alive and I hold the keys to death and Hades. Also, all the seven lamp stands and seven stars are representations of the churches ya’ll started in Asia.’”
So John takes this opportunity to speak to each one of of the seven churches separately.
To the church in Ephesus, he says, “Ya’ll have done some good work! You’ve put up with some bullshit and that’s cool. But, you also kind of forgot about the most important part, which I won’t mention here. But all things said and done, You hate the Nico-lai-tans. And I hate them, too. Fuck those guys.”
To the church of Smyrna, “I know your lives are shitty! Keep it up! That’s just how god wants it for you.”
To the church of Pergamum, “I know where you live. It’s right by Satan’s house, and that’s why people are killing you guys. But you’re standing strong. Except some of you guys are fucking too much and some of you don’t hate the Nico-lai-tans as much as I’d like you to. Also, anyone who doesn’t do this shit, I’ll give them a bunch of Manna and a white stone. Because my life is apparently a role playing game.”
To the church of Thyatira, “You guys fuck too much also. Since you fuck so much, I’m going to kill your fucking children.”
To the church of Sardis, “Jesus says he’s going to come back and snatch you guys up out of your houses while you’re sleeping! But only if you’re good!”
To the church in Philadelphia, “Since you’ve been so good and so patient, god will totally reward you. Just keep being patient for thousands of years until he comes to reward you.”
And to the church in Laodicea, “You guys are boring. You’re not great, but you’re not bad either. I guess try and be better? I don’t know.”
Once John was done with his open letter to the seven churches, he looked up at the sky and there was apparently a door there. The same trumpet voice that he heard earlier said, “Hey! Come check this shit out!”
Then John says, “I saw a throne! And the person sitting in it looked all red like a jasper or a carnelian or a different red semi precious stone. Also, there was a rainbow around them. A big multicolored rainbow that reminded me of a green emerald for some reason.Then there were 24 other thrones with guys in white with gold crowns on them. The main throne was shooting lightning and thunder into this giant glass lake. Then there were all these animals around, they were covered in eyeballs. Fucking eyeballs all over their bodies. One looked like a lion, one an ox, the third one looked like a person, and the last one looked like an eagle. Except they all had six wings and were fucking covered in eyeballs for some reason. Just fucking eyeballs everywhere!”
All of these creatures and guys were constantly telling god how cool he is. apparently.
John goes on to describe this crazy ass situation, “The red guy in the throne was holding a scroll in his right hand. He had sealed it seven times with his magic wax that only he could break. He said, ‘Who can break my magic wax that I sealed this scroll with?’ Nobody could do it, and that made me cry for some reason. One of the guys in white with a gold crown said, ‘Don’t cry. That doesn’t make any sense in this situation. Also, see that Lion with the wings who’s covered in eyeballs? I think he can break those seven magic wax seals.’”
“Then I saw a lamb that someone had killed, because god still loves that shit. It was dead, but it was standing in the center of the throne. It was just a regular lamb, the kind with seven horns and seven eyes. Standard lamb stuff. The lamb grabbed the scroll and opened it. The four eyeball covered beast things and the guys in white started freaking out and told the seven eyed lamb that he was in charge now. Then everyone started telling the lamb how amazing he was. Then thousands of angels started doing the same.”
“So I watched as the seven eyed lamb broke open the first seal. One of the weird eyeball covered beast things said, ‘Hey! Come here!’ and a white horse with an archer on it appeared. Then he rode off. Then the the seven eyed lamb opened the second seal, and a different weird eyeball covered beast thing said, ‘Come here!’ and a red horse showed up with a guy riding it whose only power was to make humans kill each other (which is about as impressive as the power to make rocks hard or water wet)”
“Then the weird lamb thing opened the third seal and different eyeball covered beast yelled, ‘Dude, Come on!’ and a black horse showed up. Its rider was holding some scales and some weird voice in the background just shouted out, ‘One quart of wheat for a day’s wages! Three quarts of barley! Don’t you dare damage the oil or the wine!’”
“The the lamb with 5 extra horns and 5 extra eyes opened the fourth seal, the final weird eyeball covered beast thing said, ‘Hey, you fucking dipshit, come here!’ and a weird pale horse showed up. This horse’s rider was named Death, and his buddy Hades was following right behind. Someone, god apparently, had given them the power to destroy just over a quarter of the earth with their swords, famine, plague, and random wild beasts.”
“Then the weird lamb opened the 5th seal and a bunch of people raised from the dead. The weird lamb told them to hold on for a while.”
“Then the sixth seal was opened and everything got all fucked up! A fucking earthquake broke out, the sun turned black and the moon turned red (like what happens during an eclipse), a bunch of stars came crashing down to the earth because I don’t know how stars actually work, the sky just rolled up like one of those projection screens from high school, and every mountain and island got displaced. Every goddamn person was hiding and begging to be killed!”
Because there’s a seven eyed, seven horned lamb whom I’m assuming is Jesus. And he’s back. And he’s pissed.
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