The book starts with Luke saying that he did the best he could to write the story of Jesus. And that you couldn’t do any better, so fuck you.
So it starts out saying that Herod was in charge of the Roman province of Judea. There was this priest named Zechariah and his wife Elizabeth who was descended from Aaron (moses’s brother) and that’s pretty fucking amazing that they were able to keep track of that for such a long time.
Even though Zechariah and Elizabeth were really good at following all of god’s crazy rules and did their best not to piss him off, they still couldn’t make babies. Zechariah was bummed on this but still went and burned incense and did all the other shit that god made people do back then. One day an angel came down and was like, “Hey! You are totally gonna knock your wife up. And she’s going to have a kid who’s gonna be pretty important! As long as he doesn’t drink any booze. He’ll be either the literal or metaphorical reincarnation of Elijah.”
Zechariah was like, “Dude. I’m fucking old as shit. And my wife is old, too. We can’t have kids. So fuck you angel.” The angel was like, “No. Fuck you. You’re going to have a kid. I’m Gabriel. I’m an angel. You’re just a person. Now go home and I swear to god that your wife is totally pregnant.”
Zechariah went home and found his old wife had totally gotten pregnant. So he did what anyone would do, he put her in seclusion for five months.
At the same time as this was happening, a young girl who had totally never had sex got visited by either a different or the same angel and that angel said, “Guess what? Even though you’ve never fucked anyone before, you’re totally pregnant. You’re welcome.” Mary was like, “Um, I don’t think this is going to end well for me.” The angel was like, “Well it’s god’s kid. So, trust me on this one. Everything’s going to work out.”
So now Mary was an unwed, unsexed, pregnant teenager who didn’t have a lot of options. So she went and found Elizabeth thinking maybe that they could totally be pregnant together. One really old lady and one young virgin just hanging out being pregnant together. Mary sang a song that doesn’t need to be repeated.
Elizabeth had her baby and decided to name him John. Everyone around argued with her about what she named her own fucking son until Zechariah grabbed a tablet and wrote down, “Fuck all of you, his name is John.” and told them all to shut the fuck up. Then he sang a song to everyone that also doesn’t need to be repeated.
So fast forward a few months and we get to the Roman census season. The Romans made everyone go back to their hometowns for the census count for some reason. I’m not sure why they couldn’t count people in the cities they were currently living in, but if I know authority figures, sometimes they just make a stupid rule and stick to it out of pride and nothing else.
At this point Joseph and Mary had totally gotten married and she was super pregnant. Joseph threw his super pregnant wife on the back of a donkey and made his 80 mile journey from his current city of Nazareth to his birth city of Bethlehem. I googled this. It’s apparently a 101 mile journey, but that’s because google tries to make you avoid Palestine as much as possible. So I’m assuming it was about 80 miles if you don’t have shit like that to worry about.
Anyways, Mary, Joseph, and their donkey wandered on down to Bethlehem. When they got there they tried to stay at an inn but their wasn’t any room so they decided to go into a nearby stable and give birth in possibly the least sanitary conditions possible in front of a bunch of confused animals.
Mary named him Yeshua which eventually turned into Jesus over the years and wrapped him up in a towel.
Just then an angel decided to go terrify some local sheep herders by coming down in full fledged heavenly glory. All the sheep herders lost their fucking minds and were probably on the verge of killing themselves out of sheer terror when the angel said, “Hey! Some lady just gave birth in a stable! That baby is your messiah. Go check it out! It’s the one with the baby wrapped up in a towel!”
Side note. I don’t know why the hell the angel felt the need to say this. The only reason to describe the baby who was just born in a manger full of hay and animal shit would be if there were multiple stables around with multiple mothers giving birth to some other kid. Maybe Life of Brian was more accurate than I thought!
Anyways, the sheep herders went and saw this brand new baby and just started losing their shit. It’s not clear if they were freaking out because it was the messiah, or if they thought that it was god’s kid, or if they had just never never seen a baby before. But they were really happy.
So according to jewish customs, the lady had to stay the fuck away from everyone else for 8 days after giving birth. Apparently giving birth in itself makes you unclean. Whether you do it in your living room or in the middle of a fucking animal stable seems to be irrelevant.
After 8 days, Mary and Joseph brought Jesus to the temple to get part of his dick chopped off. Joseph also killed two doves and two pigeons because god loves when you kill animals and set them on fire. He loves the smell of burning flesh.
This old dude Simeon somehow got it in his head that he was going to see the messiah before he died. When he saw an 8 day old baby he ran up and grabbed him out of Mary’s arms and screamed right in his tiny face, “Holy shit! This is the fucking messiah!”
Nobody thought this was crazy and even some other crazy old lady agreed and that was settled. Jesus was definitely the best 8 day old baby they had ever seen.
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