So when we left off, John just finished rambling on about the second woe.
After that shit goes down, then the seventh angel is gonna blow his trumpet and all the 24 guys in white are gonna start shouting a bunch of stuff about how amazing god is. Then they announce that he’s so great because he killed a bunch of people and then they tell him that it’s time to judging the people that pissed him off in their lives, and start rewarding the ones that didn’t.
Then this amazing temple in the sky is going to open up and show the ark of the covenant. Then a crazy summer storm is gonna erupt. Through the course of this crazy storm (or possibly right after it) a woman is going to show up in the sky. She’ll be wearing the sun as clothing somehow and using the moon for her shoes because John didn’t understand the cosmos even a little bit. She’ll also be wearing a crown that’s made up of 12 stars, because why the hell not?
She’ll be super pregnant and just about to give birth to god knows what kind of creature. Then a huge red dragon shows up out of nowhere, with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his seven heads. His tail is gonna knock 1/3 of the stars out of the sky because John really didn’t understand how the cosmos work.
Anyways, when the woman gives birth the dragon’s gonna try and eat the baby, but god’s gonna snatch him up and keep him safe. Then the woman, who wears the sun for clothing is gonna go down to earth and hide out in the desert for an oddly specified 1,260 days.
This is gonna piss the dragon off, so he starts a war with heaven. Then there’s this guy Michael who’s gonna fuck the dragon’s shit right up and toss him and his followers down to Earth. The dragon is the devil. It mentions this all of a sudden.
This pisses the dragon off even more and he decides to go find that woman who uses the cosmos for her outfit. When he finds where she’s hiding, she just grows wings and peaces the fuck out. Also the Earth itself is going to help her out. This is gonna make the dragon just go around slaughtering christians indiscriminately until he finds himself at the ocean.
So this dragon has seven heads, 10 horns, and 7 crowns (one for each head) and comes from the sky. Remember that, because all of a sudden there’s another crazy beast that comes from the ocean. He has 7 heads, 10 horns, and 10 crowns! His crowns are for his horns. Also, each one of his heads is named something blasphemous. He doesn’t specify so it’s up to you, the listener, to imagine what this guy’s heads were named. Something like “shitjesus” or “fuck jehovah” or I don’t know. John describes the thing as looking like a leopard, but with feet like bears have and a lions mouth. Also he has 7 heads and 10 horns. Except one of the heads looks like it had been fatally wounded.
The dragon will kind of hand over his power to this weird fucking thing. And people will start worshiping this ugly terrifying thing, saying, “Who can even fuck with this weird beast? Nobody, that’s who!” Which is weird, because one of his heads is already dead. So somebody was able to fuck with it.
So with his new found following, the beast is just going to spend 42 months publicly making fun of god. Everyone’s who’s not a christian follows in suit. So John tells christians just to calm down and let this pass.
After this passes, apparently, the Earth is just going to open the fuck up and give birth to this new beast. This one will be less crazy looking, though. With only two horns. But he’ll speak like a dragon. You know that way dragons talk? Well that’s how this thing is going to talk.
This weird beast thing is going to wander around doing weird magic tricks like Moses and Elijah used to do. Then he’ll draw a big picture of the red dragon and use his powers to make that picture come alive. Then he’ll tell everyone to worship this picture that he gave life to and if they refuse, he’s gonna kill em.
Now, with the whole world under his control. This weird monster makes everyone, every single person, get a weird mark on his forehead or right hand. The mark is his name. But John never tells us what his name is. Just that the number of his name is 666.
But there’s gonna be 144,000 jews that we mentioned in an earlier installment. They’re not gonna get the mark. They’re just gonna hang out with Jesus and write his name on their foreheads instead. Then this loud noise like thunder’s gonna erupt, but it’s not thunder, just people playing their harps not very well.
Then some angels are coming down to say that anyone who gets the weird monster whose name translates into 666 somehow’s mark (even against their will apparently) they’re an enemy of god and he’s going to kill all of them. Then some angels are gonna scoop people up like grapes and put them in a giant wine press and crush them. This will cause a 5 foot deep 180 mile across river of blood to come out.
Then everyone who survives this wrath can hang out and sing Moses’s songs next to a giant ocean of glass and fire. Then one of the weird good beast things that’s covered in eyeballs is gonna hand seven angels a bowl each. Each on of these bowls has a plague in it to punish people for getting the mark of the bad beast who’s name translates into 666 somehow.
The first bowl causes everyone to get weird sores and growths, the second bowl turns the oceans into blood and kills everything in them, the third bowl turns all the freshwater into blood. The 4th bowl makes it so that sun has the power to just start whoever the hell it wants on fire. The 5th bowl is gonna cause everything to go dark and make people chew their own tongues out, The 6th bowl just dries up the Euphrates river. Which at this point will be turned into blood anyways, and also is kind of already pretty much fucked in real life.
Then the dragon and the other weird beast whose name translates into 666 somehow are gonna let three frogs come out of their mouths that can also do magic tricks and they gather everyone up to fight the last remaining christians. Then god announces to the christians, “Hey! I’m gonna come scoop all of you up at a completely random time, so make sure you’re wearing clothing all the time, otherwise you’ll have to spend the rest of eternity in heaven naked. Then everyone who pissed god off will join together in a place called Armageddon.
The seventh angel pours out the seventh bowl and says, “It is done.” Thunder and lightning erupt and the worst earthquake that’s ever happened will just fuck everything up and split the city of Armageddon in three parts and make all the other cities collapse. Also, every island is going to move around like the one on Lost and the mountains will apparently just disappear. Then 100 pound chunks of ice will fall from the sky and the last remaining people will curse god’s name. Which makes sense, because he’s the one dumping massive ice chunks on them.
Then a different angel says, “Hey! Let’s go fuck up this sex worker I just remembered about.” And they all go off into the desert where there’s yet another weird beast covered in blasphemous names like, “Jesus Christ Dick Shit” and “Yahweh Herpes Sore” and he also has 7 heads and 10 horns. There’s a girl riding this weird beast and she’s wearing a sexy purple and red dress and a bunch of jewelry. She also has a cup that’s full of all the filth she’s acquired by her adulteries. I guess he’s saying that she’s just hanging out with a chalice of cum riding around on a weird monster.
On her forehead it says, “Mystery. Babylon the Great. The Mother of Prostitutes and the Abominations of the Earth.” Apparently all of this is metaphorical for cities that have existed and will exist. And this woman is going to end up having a bad time through all of this.
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