So when we left off, Jesus had just pissed off a bunch of his disciples. The main 12 stuck by him, but even one of them was getting pretty sick of his shit. Jesus decided to get the fuck of of Judea, because the jews wanted to kill him. Some of his brothers said to him, “Jesus, go back to Judea. Fuck the haters. No one who wants to be a public figure does shit in secret. Go show yourself to the world.” Jesus said, “Fuck you. My time hasn’t come yet to do that. You’ll never understand that, because you can do whatever you want whenever you want to. I can’t.”
So everyone at his side went to a big Feast of Tabernacles without him. A bunch of people were around discussing whether or not Jesus was a good guy or a liar. Halfway through the feast, Jesus showed up and said, “My teachings aren’t mine. I get them from god. Just like Moses. Also, why are you trying to kill me?”
The crowd just kind of sat there in awe until someone blurted out, “What are you fucking demon possessed? Who the hell is trying to kill you?” Jesus said, “I did one miracle and everyone was astonished. Yet Moses gave you circumcision (even though it wasn’t Moses it was Abraham) and you do that on Saturday. Why can’t I do stuff on Saturday? Fuck you.”
People started seriously discussing whether or not Jesus was actually the messiah or Christ that people had been predicting for quite some time. They decided that he couldn’t be the Christ because one of the prophecies said that no one would know where the Christ came from and they all knew that Jesus grew up in Nazareth. Jesus argued against that logic and pretty soon the whole fucking region was arguing with each other over whether or not Jesus was the messiah. The leaders of the region took a strong Nay in the debate.
(It says in the Bible I’m reading that this story wasn’t included in the original manuscripts, but they decided to include it anyways.)
Jesus kept wandering around throughout the controversy and eventually ran into a crowd that was about to kill a woman. They had her tied up and they were going to throw rocks at her until she died, which was the traditional punishment for fucking someone that you weren’t married to. Jesus walked up quietly and said, “Whoever has followed all the crazy thousands of rules that god gave us, should be the first person to hurl a giant rock at this poor woman.” Then he started writing this in the sand and everyone just walked away.
Jesus turned the to the lady and said, “Stop fucking people other than your husband. I’m not condemning you. Just saying.”
Jesus left here and went back to stirring up trouble with the Pharisees and jews. He kept hinting that it was only a matter of time before he returned to heaven and people assumed this meant he was about to kill himself. Jesus got really annoyed with them and called everyone who didn’t obey all the rules a bastard. They argued with him and he said, “If you’re really children of Abraham (the Hebrew/Arab patriarch) you’d follow all the crazy rules that Moses gave you. If you actually love Jehovah, you’d love me! Because I’m his kid!” Then Jesus started talking about all the times he had with god when he was still living up in heaven. Watching the whole history of the jews unfold up until he came. The crowd was starting to get pissed and they decided to beat him to death with rocks, but Jesus ran away and hid.
Jesus went and found his disciples and they wandered around some more. They found a blind guy and his disciples asked him, “Jesus. Whose fault is it that this guy’s blind? Is it his own or his parents? Which one pissed off god?” Jesus said, “Neither. God made this guy blind for his whole life, just so I can fix that right now.” Jesus healed the guys eyes by grabbing some dirt, spitting into it, and rubbing it in the blind dude’s eyes. (Side note. Don’t do this, ever.) The guy stood up being able to see for the first time ever and went around telling everyone how amazing it is. About half the people believed him and half didn’t and the Pharisees got involved for some reason. They badgered the guy and his parents and rambled on about how much of a dick Jesus is. Eventually the guy said, “Say whatever the fuck you want to. I used to be blind. I’m not anymore. That guy did it. Fuck you.”
The Pharisees threw this guy out the temple for saying that shit. Jesus heard about this and found the dude. He said, “Do you believe in the Son of Man.” The formally blind guy said, “Not yet, but when I meet him, I’m sure I will.” Jesus said, “I’m that guy. For I will make the blind see, and also make the seeing people blind. For some reason.”
The Pharisees heard him say this shit and they said, “What? Are we blind?” The answer to this is obviously, no. Jesus said, “If you were blind, you wouldn’t be guilty of any of the fucked up shit you do. But since you’re not blind. You’re guilty. And also an asshole.”
Jesus then made a long metaphor about how he’s a great shepherd. A good shepherd would totally die taking care of his sheep, but the shitty farm hands would just fuck off and let the sheep die rather than fight a wolf or whatever. Again a crowd tried to grab Jesus and beat him to death with rocks and again he got the fuck out.
Jesus wandered off and heard about this guy named Lazarus. He lived in Bethany and was this lady, Mary’s brother. He was super sick and everyone just knew that he was going to die soon. Jesus said, “No he’s not. I’m gonna go back there and prevent that from happening.” Everyone around was like, “Jesus, we just left that region because people were trying to kill you. Jesus said, “Fuck them. I’ve got a stranger to save.”
By the time Jesus got to Bethany, Lazarus had already died and been buried. All the ladies were crying on his shoulder and all the men were just hating life. Jesus said to Martha (Lazarus’s other sister), “Don’t cry. Your brother’s going to be fine.” Everyone thought Jesus was a crazy person. Mary said, “If you had been here earlier, he’d have been fine. But now he’s dead!” Jesus said, “Where’d you bury him? Bring me over there.”
They brought him to the tomb and Jesus said, “Take that stone away from the front of his tomb.” The whole crowd argued with him saying, “Ummm, Jesus. This guy’s been dead for like four days. He’s going to smell terrible." Jesus didn’t care and a few people moved the stone away. Jesus looked into the terribly smelling tomb and said, “Lazarus! Come here.” Lazarus just sat up and came out the tomb all wrapped up in burial cloths. Jesus turned to the crowd and said, “Get this guy some living people clothes.” And went on his way.
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