The book starts off really weirdly, saying, “In the beginning was the word, and the word was with god, and the word was god. He was with god in the beginning.”
I seriously urge anyone to go read the beginning of this book because it’s written in a crazy crazy way. I can’t even.
Anyways, So John the Baptist out rambling on that he was god’s messenger but not the Christ. Then they asked him if he was Elijah, and he said, “No! Even though in the Gospel according to Matthew they totally say I am.”
He even said, “I’m not a prophet. I’m just a crazy homeless guy who was wandering around dunking people in the river. But the Christ is coming, and he’ll be way better than me. So just you wait.” Lucky for him, the very next day Jesus showed up and John said, “See! There he is! I told you he’d be here soon.”
So John told everyone that Jesus was totally the messiah, the son of god, and was the guy to take the sin away from the world. He didn’t do that, but apparently that’s what he was supposed to do. Anyways, people heard John saying this shit and decided that he was totally telling the truth. This guy Andrew heard and went and got his brother, Simon. Jesus talked to them for a while and eventually changed Simon’s name to Peter.
Then he went and grabbed two more disciples, named Philip and Nathanael. Jesus just walked up to Philip and said, “Hey! Follow me around as I do my thing.” And Philip was just like, “Okay!” When Jesus walked up to Nathanael, he just blurted out, “Now there goes a good honest jew.” Nathanael was like, “Ummm, what the hell?” And Jesus said, “Oh I saw you hanging out under a fig tree at some point in the past. And I knew you were a good dude.” Nathanael just broke down and said, “Holy fuck! I was under a fig tree at some point! You must be the new king of Israel!” Jesus said, “Wow, you actually just believe that based on what I said? Awesome. Now follow me around.”
So Jesus got invited to a wedding that his mom was at and at some point the wine ran out. Jesus’s mom was like, “Uhh, Jesus. This is kind of a crisis as a wedding where people can’t drink is no fun for anybody.” Jesus turned to him mom and said, “Woman, why are you getting me involved?” Side note: Never refer to your mom as “woman”.
Nonetheless Jesus’s mom just told all the slaves to listen to whatever Jesus told them to do. Jesus scoped the room out and saw 6 stone 20-30 gallon jars just hanging out. He turned to the slaves and said, “Fill these up with water.” Then he served the jugs of water to the guests at the wedding and announced, “This is the best fucking wine you’ll ever goddamn taste! You’re welcome.” As everyone drank more and more, his followers decided that he was totally the messiah based on this. Because if someone can turn water into booze, that’s definitely a person you want on your side.
After this wedding and his reputation starting to spread, Jesus went down to the temple and smashed a bunch of vendors selling sacrificial animals. He screamed, “This is my temple! Not a fucking market. Get the motherfuck out!” Someone asked him, “What the fuck gives you the authority to go around smashing shit like this?” Jesus said, “Fuck you. Smash this fucking temple. Do it. Do it right in front of me. I’ll rebuild the fucker in 3 days.” Some other smart ass said, “As if! It took us 46 years to build this fucking thing. You’re a goddamn liar.” This was a metaphor for some shit he was going to do later. Which is raising himself from the dead.
After this Jesus went to passover dinner and kept performing miracles and shit. This pharisee named Nicodemus approached him and asked what his deal was. Jesus said, “You can’t enter heaven unless you’re born again.” Nicodemus said, “Um what? I’m not trying to crawl back inside my mother’s body and crawl out again. I don’t even know how that would work.” Jesus said a bunch of gibberish and made it pretty clear that he was either a crazy person or just speaking in metaphors.
The he said, “But Nicodemus, You’re Israel’s teacher. And you don’t even understand all the weird shit I’m throwing at you? Let’s put it this way. Nobody who has ever lived so far has gone to heaven. I came from heaven, so I can go there and bring motherfuckers with me. Remember that snake that Moses put on a stick to make all the snakes go away? I’m like that snake. Anyone who believes in me can go to heaven.”
And here we come to John 3:16
For god so loved the world. That instead of sending more plagues and diseases or just flat out drowning everyone except one 500 year old drunk and his family, he sent his son that he made with a teenage human female. And whoever believes in that kid will never die, but totally live forever, after they die. Because god did not send his son to condemn the world. Just to save it. From his own wrath. Whoever believes in him, god won’t condemn, but whoever doesn’t is totally fucked.
Anyways, John the baptist’s followers started getting pissed off that a bunch of people were flocking to Jesus. John told them to calm the fuck down.
So Jesus and his followers were wandering back up to Galilee and they stopped in Samaria. All his disciples went into town and got food and he asked a random samaritan lady for a drink. Apparently Samaritans and Jews don’t get along, and the lady was like, “How the fuck are you? A jew? Going to ask me for a drink of water?” Jesus said, “Whatever, dude. If you knew who the hell I was, you’d ask me for my super special water instead of denying me regular water. My water is so great that you won’t even get thirsty again, ever.” The lady was like, “Oh shit. That sounds amazing. Can I have some?” Jesus said, “Go get your husband.” She was like, “Oh I don’t have one.” And Jesus said, “I know. You’ve had five husbands already and right now you’re fucking some guy that you’re not even married to.” She was really impressed and was like. “Holy shit! You’re a prophet! I’d love to go pray and what not with you, but all the jews took my mountain away where I pray.” Jesus said, “Yeah, sorry bout that. But when the messiah is here you won’t have to worry about going to a temple to pray anymore, you’ll be able to pray wherever you want.” She was like, “I can’t wait for the messiah! He’ll fix everything!” Jesus said, “I’m the fucking messiah. Recognize.”
Just then the disciples came back and the lady went into town to go spread the word. He gave them a similar metaphor about food. He stayed in Samaria and preached for a couple days, converting a shitload of Samaritans.
Jesus finally made it back to Galilee and an unspecified official approached him like, “Jesus! My son is super sick. Make him healthy again! I saw you turn water into wine, so I’m assuming you can also cure illness from afar.” Jesus said, “You people would never believe in me if I wasn’t constantly performing miracles, would you?” The official didn’t even have a response to this, because the answer is obviously “NO. We wouldn’t.” But instead of saying this he just said, “Please cure my kid.” Jesus said, “He’s fine. Don’t even worry about it.” And sure enough, he was totally telling the truth.
Jesus got pretty confident in his healing abilities and went down to Bethsaiada which was the place all the crippled and blind people bathed. People were pretty into segregating less-abled people back then. Anyways, Jesus wandered through restoring vision to blind people and fixing everyone’s problems. He told one guy who hadn’t walked in 38 years to just stand the fuck up and the guy totally did it. But then he saw the guy out and about later on and said, “Hey! I made you healthy. Now stop sinning!”
Well after this he started pissing people off. They were getting on him about working on the Sabbath and he said, “Well god is my dad. So fuck you.” This (unsurprisingly) pissed people off even more, because he was breaking customs and claiming to be god’s kid.
Then he rambled on a lot about how people need to believe in him to go to heaven, and ended by saying, “A time is coming when dead people are going to hear my voice and come out of their graves. Every person, alive or dead, will be raised from the dead to be judged by my crazy crazy father. Even people who lived and died their whole lives without ever hearing about me. They’ll be judged alongside the rest of you.”
Anyways, He fed thousands of people with some bread and fish, walked on some water, and kept making food and drink references about his own abilities to save people. He kept getting deeper and deeper with his teachings and eventually started losing his following. But the 12 main ones stayed by his side.
He said, “I’m glad I kept my main 12 disciples. But one of these guys is from the fucking devil.”
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