This book takes place after the apostle Paul visited Corinth and didn’t give them enough information. They asked him to specify what the fuck he was talking about and he mailed them this letter,
He starts out saying that the most important thing to keep a church strong is that everyone follows the same teacher. “If one guy follows Apollos, one guy follows Peter, one guy follows me, and some fourth guy only follows the direct quotes of Jesus, we’ll be fighting and bickering and every goddamn thing until this religion just falls apart and everyone thinks we’re full of shit.” Side Note: That happened anyways.
Paul tried to encourage them to follow the teachings of Jesus first and look to Apollos, himself, and Peter second. He asks, “Did I die for you? Were you baptized in MY name?” Then he lists off everyone whom he did baptize and says, “That’s not what I meant.”
Then he rambles on about how conventional rules no longer apply. He says that with faith in Jesus weak people are strong and short people are tall and dumb people are smart. He said, “I didn’t say a lot of shit before because I was hoping that your faith would lie in god’s power and not in the stupid shit that I have to say.”
He tells them again to stop being divided amongst themselves, tells them that they’ve all hit some sort of spiritual jackpot by following him, and then makes threats to come back with a whip and discipline them for pissing him off. But also offers to come back in love as long as they stop.
Then begins the sexual shaming. He tells them to stop fucking people wrong. “If someone fucks their mom or stepmom, that’s gross. Kick their asses out of this fucking church. Anyone who is doing weird sex stuff is just as bad as a swindler, a greedy bastard, or a guy who worships idols and totems.”
Then he says that christians shouldn’t sue each other or get the law involved at all. The church should solve these problems themselves. You might remember this going swimmingly with the pedophile priest situation.
Then he goes back to say there’s no room in heaven for gays, gigolos, drunks, swindlers, idolaters, or people who fuck outside of marriage. He says, “If you’re giving up your body for money, you’re pissing Jesus right off. Shame on you.”
Then he says “It’s a good idea for men to not fuck ladies or have wives in general. But I know how hard it is to not fuck something every now and again, so you should all shack up with someone. No more of this mass orgy shit. From now on, find someone of opposite gender and that’s your partner now. Make sure you and your partner fuck a lot otherwise one of you will be tempted to piss god off with your genitals. I wish, oh how I wish, that everyone could just be A-sexual like me, but then the world would stop working.”
Then he goes on, “If you’re not married, it’s best to stay that way. But if you really wanna fuck someone, it’s better to get married than to be horny all the time.”
“To the married, god just said to me, ‘If you’re a married woman and you wanna leave your husband, you can, but then you have to stay divorced for some reason. No remarriage for you unless it’s back to your original husband. If you’re a married man, don’t divorce your wife for any reason. If you marry someone and they’re not a follower of our church, then stay married. They’ll get into heaven simply because of you. Also your children are cool, too.’”
Then Paul adds, “But if the unbeliever leaves you, who cares? I don’t. Let them go. Also, we don’t care about circumcision anymore.”
Then virgins somehow got brought up. Paul leads the conversation in saying, “These words are definitely not from god. These are definitely coming from me. If you don’t wanna fuck, then don’t. You can still get married and not fuck. But I wouldn’t. Hey, guess what? The world is going to end soon. So do your best to not live your lives in a way that pisses god off. Side note: The world is still doing just fine, 1960 years later. If you’re married, you have to wait until your spouse dies before you can marry anyone else. But make sure they’re a christian. Also, I can’t stress enough. That I think being married is a bad idea.”
Next he rambles on about idols. He says, “Since idols and totems are just stupid and there’s only on big super god, Jehovah, then all that talk about food being sacrificed to idols is stupid. Basically, it’s just perfectly good food hanging out and I have no problem eating it. But if my eating it will make you want to go and fuck your sister or something weird, then I won’t.”
He gets into some weird conversations about the rights of apostles and tells everyone to treat their lives like an athlete training for a game, but instead of athletics we’re training for spiritual purity. He warns everyone not to fall into old Israeli habits of cheating on god and getting mass slaughtered.
Then he tells everyone to take communion and then talks about the rights of followers. This book is really boring. I’m surprised that anyone even finished the letter, much less decided to put it next to the epic sagas of the Gospels and Acts.
Paul really starts to lose his mind with the last few parts of this letter. He says, “Any man who prays with a hat on or anything else covering his head dishonors his own head. On the other side of things, if a woman prays while NOT wearing a hat or some other shit on her head, she sucks. She might as well be bald.” He explains this by saying that men should show off their heads because they were the image and glory of god. Women are just supposed to bring glory to men. Paul was definitely a sexist asshole.
He rambles on a bunch about how all the different parts in our bodies have to work together to make our body as a whole work, and that’s how the church should work also. He makes sure that everyone knows to love each other and be patient and kind. He promises them that if they’re good, the holy spirit will swoop on down and let them ramble on in languages that they don’t normally know.
He reminds everyone that he used to fuck with all the people in the church, but then found out that he was pissing god off by doing it. He says, “Logically, I’m the last person who should be giving advice.” Side Note, after that man/woman rant I agree with him.
He end by saying that everyone needs to agree that Jesus totally cheated death and then tells them to have his money ready for him when he returns. Because he can’t be bothered to go collect it himself.
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