We left off right as Simeon had grabbed an 8 day old Jesus and screamed in his face that he was the messiah. Then the bible just fast forwards to a ten year old Jesus who’d run away from home and go hang out in the temple. Apparently Mary and Joseph had forgotten that he wasn’t Joseph’s kid and was totally the product of god knocking Mary up, so whenever they’d find him they’d be like, “Where the fuck have you been, dipshit? We’ve been looking all over for you!” Jesus would be like, “Why? I’m just hanging out at my father’s house.” In the bible it says that no one understood what he was talking about, but I guarantee this also pissed Joseph off a lot.
It does mention after all this that Jesus was a pretty good kid. So good for him.
So now we fast forward again and come to this crazy homeless dude named John the Baptist. John the Baptist would dress in crazy camel fur and wander around screaming at people. For some reason, people would listen to his crazy rants and ask him advice. He’d tell them, “Stop being greedy!” in one way or another.
He’d also dunk people in water. And then told them, “Hey! I’m just dunking you in water! But soon a different crazy homeless guy is going to come around and he’s awesome. I’m not even worthy to touch his fucking sandals!” Then he later on started talking shit on Herod. So he got his ass thrown in prison and eventually killed. Before that, though, he dunked Jesus in the water and god opened up the skies to give his approval.
Then Jesus turned 30 and wandered into the desert for just under 6 weeks. Satan came and tried to tempt him into doing shit he wasn’t planning on doing. He said, “Hey! If you’re really god’s kid why don’t you turn this rock into bread.” Jesus said, “Fuck you satan. People need more than just bread.” Then satan said, “Hey! If you start worshipping me, I’ll give you the whole fucking world!” Jesus said, “No. I’m gonna stick with worshipping my god who’s also my dad.” Then satan said, “Well you could always throw yourself off this cliff and make all your angel slaves come rescue you.” Then Jesus said, “No. It says in Psalms not to test god because he really likes when people aren’t sure if he exists or not.” Satan got bored and wandered off to go to fun satan things.
Jesus came back from the desert and wandered around preaching shit. For the most part he got a pretty good reaction but when he returned to Nazareth is was a little harder for him. Someone was talking shit like, “Hey! Aren’t you Joseph’s kid?” I don’t know how that counts as talking shit, but Jesus got really mad and gave him a semi-nonsensical response about Elijah and droughts and shit.
Then it takes us to the town of Capernaum where some guy was full of demons and running his mouth off at Jesus. Jesus told these demons to fuck off and they totally did. After this he kept wandering around healing people and picking fights with demons. The demons would always be like, “Hey! You’re god’s kid!” and Jesus would be like, “Shut up! Don’t tell people that!” and then make them leave.
After all this publicity, Jesus decided it was time to start recruiting people to be his disciples. He went out on a fishing boat with this guy Simon and was rambling on about life, the universe, and everything the whole time in the boat. When he told them accurately which side of the boat was better to catch fish from, they decided that he was amazing and started following him everywhere. Leaving their boats and nets and whatever else behind.
Then he went around gathering up more disciples and healing whoever the hell was sick in front of him. Usually paraplegics and lepers for some reason. Also, for some reason, he changed Simon’s name to Peter, and there was a new Simon who he started calling Zealot. Because Jesus thinks that the name Simon is a stupid name and so do I.
He made a lot of waves preaching against the two more established forms of Judaism saying things like, “If an emergency comes up on a Saturday, it’s totally fine to deal with it.” and “Since I have the power to heal people, I also will do it on a Saturday. So fuck you.” This pissed all the Sadducees and Pharisees off. They were super not in to this guy doing things on Saturday. Especially this guy Caiaphous. He was a dick.
Jesus told people to love their enemies and not to judge people. He said to not be an asshole, otherwise nothing good can come out of you. He said to build buildings on solid rock instead of sand. He healed a Centurion’s slave, because the Centurion couldn’t go on without him. He also raised some kid from the dead.
After a long rant involving John the Baptist and wine, some Pharisee invited Jesus over for dinner. While he was eating dinner this woman who had made some bad decisions ran up to him and starting crying her eyes out. Then she used her tears, hair, and an alabaster jar full of perfume to wash and kiss his feet.”
The pharisee announced, “If this jesus douchebag was actually a prophet, he’d totally know that this woman is a sinner!” Jesus didn’t call this guy out immediately, he did it super passive aggressively to Peter via a parable. Then he called the pharisee a bad host and a shitty judgemental fuckwad and told the sinful woman to go in peace.
Then he traveled around more rambling on about farmers sowing seeds, lamps, and how everyone who follows him is his brother or mother. He told a storm to shut the fuck up and once again drowned a whole drift of pigs that didn’t belong to him.
Then he raised some more people from the dead, fed a bunch of people with very little food, and eventually let Peter come to the conclusion that he was totally the messiah. But once Peter said it out loud, Jesus told him to simmer the fuck down on that shit or it’ll ruing their lives.
Eventually the disciples found some other guy doing Jesus-like stuff and they wanted to go fuck with him. Jesus was just like, “Nah dude, if he’s not fucking with us, he’s for us.”
Then Jesus sent out 72 people to go prepare his way to random cities around Judea. They were all super pumped on how demons would be scared of them if they said Jesus’s name and Jesus just said, “Yeah. Whatever. I saw Satan fall from heaven like lighting. Because ya'll are being so cool, I’m gonna give you the power to do whatever the hell you want. You can walk on top of scorpions and snakes. Fuck it. Do whatever.
Then he told everyone a story about a guy who was traveling and got jumped. The robbers took all of his clothes off and beat the shit out of him. They just left his ass naked and fucked up in the middle of the street. A bunch of religious types just walked on by this guy because they were dicks. One guy even went out of his way to avoid him, but this random guy from Samaria stopped and bandaged him up and dumped oil and wine all over him for some reason. Then he hauled the guy to an inn and paid them to take care of this guy until he felt better. Jesus thought this was a good way to say, “Help people and don’t be a dick.”
Then he went and had dinner at these two ladies house and told the one doing dishes that it’s better to listen to him speak than do dishes.
Then he gave very specific instructions not to be shy about asking for shit. He said, “Who would give someone a scorpion if they asked for an egg? An asshole. That’s who.”
So then he wandered around some more and spoke in more parables. He had a big long rant about strong men robbing houses, one about how shitty his generation is, the six woes, and some warnings and encouragements, then he said, “Fuck rich people!”
He told everyone not to worry about shit. He lied straight to their faces and said that god will always provide everything. Then he rambled on about being watchful for his return (which has not happened yet almost 2000 years later.) and the end of days. He healed a crippled woman on a Saturday and kept pissing the religious types off.
He rambled on a bunch more about mustard seeds and yeast, told everyone to not be shitty or he’d totally deny them entrance to heaven, and told Jerusalem that he won’t come back until they stop being shitty and recognize prophets for what they are.
Then he went to a pharisee’s house and explained to him why a lot of the shit he preached was stupid. Then he told him, “And by the fucking way, next time you host a dinner, bring poor people who can’t afford to eat instead of your dipshit rich friends. They won’t be able to pay you back, but i’ll make it worth your while when I raise all the righteous people from the dead.”
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