When we left off, Jesus had just raised Lazarus from the dead. When the Pharisees got word of this, they said, “Oh shit. This Jesus character is getting out of control. Pretty soon the Romans are gonna come kill all of us for some reason if we don’t do anything.” Caiaphous, the high priest at the time, said to all of them, “Fuck him. I’d rather he die, than all of us. Let’s kill him.”
Because of this, Jesus started moving around secretly and stopped having big miracle shows and all that. He went to Bethany and Mary Magdalene poured perfume on his feet and hair. This pissed Judas off, “Why are you letting this lady dump perfume on you? You could’ve sold this perfume and given the money to the poor!” It says after that that Judas didn’t care about giving money to the poor, he just wanted the money for himself because he was an asshole. John 12:6, man. Scathing.
Jesus said, “Fuck you, Judas. Let her rub perfume on me. I’m going to die soon, but there’ll be poor people always. Deal with them after I die.”
Later on Jesus entered Jerusalem riding on a donkey. There were huge crowds just shouting at him and throwing palm branches at him. The Pharisees realized that Jesus was just too popular to kill at this moment. Jesus knew that they were going to kill him soon, though. He lamented about it for a minute, but eventually decided that it was best for everyone.
Then he washed his disciples’ feet against their own wishes. He said, “Fuck you guys. Let me wash your feet. If you don’t, then you can’t be my follower.” Then he called Judas out for being the guy who was going to betray him. He did this by dipping a piece of bread into a bowl and handing it to Judas. As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan just entered his body. Jesus said, “Fuck you Judas. Go betray me. Do it now!” Judas got the fuck out real quick.
Jesus told Peter that he’d deny knowing him three times in the course of the first night after he got arrested. Then told everyone that he’d release the holy spirit on them once he got to heaven. He also let them know that they’d be hated and fucked with the whole time they live. Because that’s how this shit works.
As soon as he was done saying all this shit he brought them to their secret place to pray and Judas led a lynch mob full of Pharisees there. Jesus knew they were there to nab him but still asked, “Who are you looking for?” They said, “Jesus.” He said, “Hey! What a coincedence! That’s me!” The mob fell back for a moment and he asked the same question, “Who are you looking for again?” They said, “Jesus of Nazareth.” He said, “I told you dipshits that that’s me. Let these other guys go.”
Peter decided, somehow, that it was fucking on now and chopped off the ear of Caiaphous’s slave. Jesus said, “Goddammit Peter, put your sword away.”
They tried him immediately in front of the high priest and they sent him to Pilate. Pilate asked him, “Are you king of the jews?” Jesus said, “Is that your own idea? Or did other people talk to you about it?” Pilate said, “Am I a jew? No. I’m not. That question was rhetorical. I’m not. Your own people brought you here in front of me. Why? What did you do to piss them off?” Jesus said, “My kingdom is not in this world. If it were, my people would have killed the ones arresting me.” Pilate said, “So you’re a king?” Jesus said, “kind of…”
Pilate told the crowd that Jesus was just crazy and that he’d much rather kill this dude Barabbas, because he’d led an uprising that totally killed people. The crowd said, “No! Kill Jesus! Let Barabbas go!” Pilate had Jesus get the shit beat out of him and dressed him up in a purple robe and shoved a crown that someone had made out of thorns on his head. He said, “Here’s is your man!” And the crowd yelled, “Crucify him!” Pilate said, “ You do it. I have no reason to kill this man, he hasn’t broken any Roman laws.” A priest informed Pilate that Jesus had broken Jewish law by saying that he was the son of god and the messiah when he clearly wasn’t. Pilate tried to get Jesus to say his side of the story but Jesus refused to speak.
Pilate said, “SPEAK! Say something! I don’t even care what you say, just say something! Why are you ignoring me when I have your life in my hands?” Jesus said, “You have nothing in your hands, any power you have comes from above. The people who brought me here are the truly guilty ones.”
Pilate tried again to let Jesus go and someone in the crowd yelled, “If you let this man go, you’re no friend of Caesar! Anyone who claims to be a king opposes Caesar!” This made him change his mind and he gave them Jesus to kill. He wrote a sign to go above Jesus’s head that said, “Jesus of Nazareth, The king of the Jews” in Aramaic, Latin, and Greek. One of the priests said, “Don’t make it say ‘King of the Jews’, make it say ‘He claimed to be King of the Jews.” Pilate said, “I wrote what I wrote. Get off my dick.”
They nailed Jesus to a cross and hung him in metal-as-fuck-sounding Golgotha (The place of the skull) Mary Magdalene and his mother Mary watched him hang there and Jesus, while hanging from a fucking cross, told Mary Magdalene to take care of his mom. He announced to a guard that he was thirsty, so the guard put a sponge in some vinegar. Jesus drank it and died.
They buried him in a tomb and he got sick of being dead, so he resurrected himself and left the tomb. Mary Magdalene came to the tomb to mourn and instead found Jesus chilling there. “‘Sup?” He said. Mary tried to hug him and he told her not to. So she ran into town and told everyone else. Jesus went and showed some of his disciples that he had cheated death and did a bunch more miracles. Nobody recorded what any of them were, but I’m sure they were pretty amazing.
Jesus walked down to the Sea of Galilee and saw Peter and a few other disciples fishing. He called out, “Hey! You guys catch anything?” They were like, “No! Nothing yet!” He said, “Fish on the other side of the boat.” For some reason they listened to this guy they didn’t recognize and caught an oddly specified 153 fish like right away. “Holy Shit!”, Peter exclaimed, “That must be Jesus at the shore.”
They had breakfast and Jesus told them to keep his name alive and spread the word around the globe. The Gospel ends with John saying, “Jesus did a lot of other stuff, too. If everything he did was written down, I suppose the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.”
Yes John. That is exactly how you decided to end this Gospel.
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