When we left off, Jesus had just had dinner at a Pharisee’s house and made him feel like an asshole. After this he went out and spoke in more riddles about how a guy had a huge dinner party, but no one who he invited came. This was a metaphor about him trying to get the Pharisees and Sadducees to follow him. Then he just started talking about all kinds of nonsense like how salt that isn’t salty sucks ass, how if you can hear, then you should hear, and how losing stuff or people makes them more important to you.
Well Jesus just kept on preaching and rambling on. He mentioned again, “Fuck rich people! You can’t serve both god and money” Then he said, “If you ever divorce your wife and fuck someone else, even if you remarry, you’re committing adultery.” Then he rambled on more and healed a bunch of lepers. Most of them didn’t even thank him. He also returned to the temple and fucked it right up because of the bazaar outside. People were starting to get really sick of him. They’d ask him paradoxes and he’d see right through that shit. Never once claiming to be the christ, messiah, or son of god.
But Judas was getting pretty sick of Jesus’s shit. While Jesus preached on about how it’s so much better when poor people give to charity then rich people and had a long rant about the end of days; Judas was starting to think that Jesus was just some dipshit and nothing more. Also, apparently Satan just entered his body and controlled him. I feel like they should’ve put more emphasis on that.
So Satan and Judas wandered down to the temple that Jesus had fucked up and met with the elders there. They decided to pay Judas to hand over Jesus at a time that no crowds would be around to riot.
Well Passover came around and it was time for a passover feast! Jesus made his disciples go and force a random stranger to allow them to have a passover dinner in his guest room. As they were all eating, Jesus randomly declared, “This is the last time I’ll ever eat with you guys. Now drink some wine and pretend it’s my blood. Also eat some bread and pretend it’s my skin and muscles. Seriously. Pretend like you’re eating a chunk of my flesh right now and washing it down with a glass of my blood. Fucking do it. It’s not weird.”
Jesus turned to Peter and said, “Simon! I’m calling you Simon again even though I hate that name. Satan was trying to posses you and make you betray me, but I didn’t let him.” Peter (or Simon as he’s called here and nowhere else in the fucking Bible.) was like, “Jesus. I would never betray you. I would go to prison and death for you.”
Jesus just laughed in his shitty little face, “Fuck you, Peter. I’m calling you Peter again for some reason. I hope this isn’t confusing. By the time the rooster crows you’ll deny that you even know me to three separate strangers for no goddamn reason at all.”
He told everyone that the time of not having any possessions was over, then he went to the Mountain of Olives to pray and cry a bunch. While he was crying and praying, everyone he brought with him passed out. Jesus was just so defeated. He just asked them, “Why are you sleeping? Go pray! Some serious shit’s about to go down.”
As soon as he said this, Judas walked up and just laid a juicy kiss on Jesus’s cheek. Jesus just turned to Judas as was like, “Really fucko? You’re betraying me with a fucking kiss?” This pissed Peter off so much that he just grabbed a fucking sword and chopped the ear off of a random slave. Jesus said, “No, Peter! That’s fucking stupid. Knock that shit off.” Then he turned to the people who were fucking with him and said, “What am I leading an uprising? You’re here with swords and clubs in the middle of the night when you could’ve just grabbed me any given day at the temple.Ya’ll are dipshits.”
And sure enough, three separate people mentioned that they recognized Peter as one of Jesus’s disciples and he flipped out on each of them declaring that he totally wasn’t. Then a rooster crowed and he starting bawling his eyes out because he realized how shitty of a friend he was.
A bunch of Roman soldiers beat the shit out of Jesus screaming, “Prophesy! Which one of us just hit you?” Then the bible says, “They said many other insulting things to him.”
They dragged his beaten body in front of a bunch of religious and legal leaders and they asked him flat out, “Are you the Christ?” Jesus said, “I’m going to answer this in the most confusing way possible.” Then they asked, “Are you the fucking son of god?” Jesus was like, “Yep.” And that was enough for them to drag his ass in front of Pilate.
Pilate was the Roman governor of Judea and he was so sick of dealing with jews and their religion and their customs and their constant rioting. So when they brought Jesus in front of him he just asked, “Are you the king of the Jews?” And Jesus said, “Yep.” Pilate turned to the crowd and said, “Lying about who you are when you’re just some crazy homeless guy is not really a crime that’s worth my time. Also, I’m in charge of Judea. This guy lives in Galilee. Make Herod deal with him.”
Well Herod and Pilate had previously not gotten along, the stress of dealing with this Jesus situation totally bonded them. Herod was actually pretty happy to get Jesus’s custody because he wanted to see all the cool shit that he was supposedly able to do, but Herod eventually handed Jesus back over to Pilate because Jesus refused to do anything cool for him.
Pilate again pleaded with the crowd, “This Jesus guy is just some crazy homeless guy! Both Herod and I agree that he should just get his ass kicked and go free!”
Well at the same time as this was happening, there was another prisoner who had tried to overthrow the romans and killed a bunch of people in the process. His name was Barabbas. The crowd demanded that Barabbas go free instead of Jesus and for some reason Pilate was okay with this. So he basically gave Jesus the punishment that was supposed to be handed to Barabbas. Which was crucifixion. Which means to die slowly while you hang from a hunk of wood for days and days.
So they beat the shit out of Jesus and made him carry his own cross to his execution. He was so tired from all the ass kicking he’d received that he couldn’t carry the fucking thing anymore so they did was seemed logical, they grabbed some random tourist from Syria named Simon and made him carry it.
A bunch of women that had grown fond of Jesus were following this shit show and crying. Jesus told them that everything was fine. They put him in between two other criminals who actually had done some fucked up shit to get crucified. They stripped him naked and the soldiers gambled on his clothes. People in the crowd were like, “Well here’s his chance. If he really is so special he’ll save himself from this shit.” They even put a sign above his head that said, “King of the jews.”
One of the other criminals said, “Hey! If you’re so special, save yourself... and us! It would be great if you saved us, too.” The other criminal said, “Hey! Fuck you. We both fucked up and deserve to be up here. This guy doesn’t.” Then he turned to Jesus and said, “Remember me when you go to heaven.” And Jesus said, “I will. Since you changed your ways right before you died, you can totally go to heaven, too. Because apparently that’s how this works.”
The whole sky went dark for 3 hours when it really shouldn’t have and the curtain in the temple that separated the super sacred place from the rest of the temple tore in half. Jesus screamed, “Father into your hands, I commit my spirit.” and died. A random soldier standing there said, “Well it looks like we fucked up. That guy was totally righteous.” A bunch of women started punching themselves in the boobs and freaking out. Then, one by one, everyone left.
This guy from the council who had no part of killing Jesus took his corpse down from the cross, wrapped it in linen, and buried it just in time to make it home before the Sabbath started. He found a good sturdy tomb that had previously never had anyone buried in it. I don’t know why they included that part, but it totally happened.
After the Sabbath was over, a bunch of ladies went to the tomb to put spices and incense everywhere for some reason. When they got there, there wasn’t any body there. I’m sure their minds went right to the worst place possible, thinking that some crazy necrophiliac or grave robber had come taken it away, but an angel came down and said, “Jesus isn’t here. He totally got over being dead and decided just to get on up and go back to being alive.”
They went and told all of Jesus closest lady friends and none of them believed it. Then Jesus showed up to everyone saying, “See? I told you I was crazy awesome!” Everyone thought he was a ghost, but then he ate some fish (which apparently ghosts can't do) and told them to tell his story and teach his teachings. Then he peaced the fuck out and went right up to heaven.
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