This story takes place in the still in kingless Israel time. This guy named Elkanah had two wives named Hannah and Peninnah. They didn’t get along if you can imagine. On top of this, Peninnah had two sons and Hannah couldn’t have kids, but Elkanah liked Hannah better and fucked her more often and gave her more meat to sacrifice to god. Hannah was still always depressed about not having any kids and would cry a lot. She would also constantly be praying real mumbly and this priest named Eli saw her and said, “What the fuck is wrong with you you drunken fucking idiot?” Hannah was like, “I’m not drunk. I’m praying for a son.” The priest was like, “Oh sorry. Well I hope you have a son.” She totally did because of his sort of/half blessing. She named him Samuel. When people asked her why she said, “Because I asked god for him.” And they were like, “So? What does the name Samuel have to do with that?” Hannah would reply, “Shut up.”
Then she turned to Elkanah and said, “Once I stop breastfeeding, I’m gonna go drop him off with Eli the priest.” Elkanah was like, “Do whatever you want. I don’t care.” So she gave her son away to Eli so he could be raised as a priest.
Eli had a bunch of sons who pissed god off all the time. As we covered before god had very specific rules of how to sacrifice animals to him. All these guys would do it wrong. Also, they would fuck every lady who worked at the Tent of Meeting. God was like, “You guys are a bunch of dicks. Except Samuel. He’s cool.” Meanwhile, while Samuel was being raised by priests Hannah had a bunch of more kids, because Elkanah liked her more than his other wife.
As Eli was dying, god came down and said, “Eli. Your sons are a bunch of dicks. I hate them. I’m gonna put Samuel in charge.” So god kept calling for Samuel in Eli’s voice, because he loves confusing people needlessly. Samuel kept coming into Eli’s room being like, “What? What’s up?” Eli would be like, “I didn’t even call you. Go away.” This happened four times before Samuel realized it was god talking to him.
God said, “Samuel. The house of Eli is fucking cursed forever. Fuck them. No amount of needlessly slaughtering and burning animals will make me forgive them. Fuck those guys.You, on the other hand, are a prophet now. I will speak directly through you and nobody else.”
Sure enough word spread all over Israel that Samuel was the new voice of god and shortly there after, the Philistines and Israelites fell into war. The Philistines were fucking them right up and even stole the Ark of the Covenant. They killed 30,000 Israelite soldiers and when word of this came back to Israel they freaked the fuck out. One lady, who lost her husband in battle (her husband was one of Eli’s sons) got so upset that she went into labor. Her doula was like, “Don’t be sad, you had a son!” She was still sad. Because her husband died.
So the Philistines brought the Ark of the Covenant into their temple for their god Dagon. This pissed god off so he smashed Dagon’s statue right into the fucking ground. The next day they rebuild the statue of Dagon and god broke his fucking hands and head off and threw them on the threshold. Then the Bible mentions, “That is why nobody steps foot on the threshold when they’re in the temple of Dagon to this day.” They sure don’t.
So the Philistines started moving theAark of the Covenant around and people were dying, getting tumors all over them, or being plagued with rats wherever it went. Finally they were like, “Fuck this goddamn thing. It has no value to us and it’s fucking ruining everything.” They decided to return the Ark to Israel with an added bonus of five golden rats and five golden tumors. They actually sculpted gold into the shape of tumors and rats. Fucking weirdos.
So they took the ark and the golden gross things they made and put it on a cart pulled by two cows. They sent the cows back to the Israelites at Kiriath Jirim. Samuel came down there and said, “So now you guys gotta stop worshipping other shit. Now that the Ark is here, god will totally fuck you up if you cheat on him.” They agreed and Samuel made them fast and kill a bunch of animals for god. Then they went and fucked up the Philistines right up (who had been dealt a blow by this ark already) and made peace with the Amorites. Samuel was on a roll.
Samuel had a couple of kids who were supposed to overlook Israel for him as he got older and older. His kids were fuck ups though. It’s starting to look like all the kids of religious leaders are fucked up. All the time. Anyways, so Israel was like, “You’re going to die soon and your sons are a bunch of dicks. Appoint us a king. And not one of your shitty kids!”
Samuel was like, “Fuck kings! Nobody who lives under a king is happy about it. Kings are a bunch of dicks. They’ll take a tenth of everything you own! They’ll make you fight wars you don’t wanna fight. They’ll take your crops and shit!” Everyone responded, “That’s exactly what the priests already do.” God said to Samuel, “Give them a king.” Samuel Obliged.
So there was a Benjamite (the tribe you might remember as the ones who got massacred because some of them gang-raped a lady to death) named Saul. One day Saul and his servant were looking for a lost donkey that belonged to Saul’s dad. Saul and his servant never found the donkey so they decided to wander into town because they heard Samuel was there. Saul was hesitant to go because he didn’t have anything to offer Samuel but his servant was like, “I have a tiny amount of money that I’m for some reason willing to give up so that you can figure out your fate.” Saul and his servant met Samuel and didn’t know who he was. Saul asked him where the seer was. He was like, “I’m that guy. Recognize.” Apparently god had told Samuel that some Benjamite was gonna see him and that he should make him king.
So Samuel brought Saul up for dinner and told him that his ass was fine. lol. Anyways he also said, “Check it. You’re totally important.” Saul was like, “I’m a fucking Benjamite. Everyone hates us because of that horrible gang-rape incident.” Samuel sent Saul’s servant home and dumped a bunch of olive oil on Saul’s head. Then Samuel sent Saul on a long convoluted journey that ended up with him going home. His uncle was like, “Where’s the fucking donkey you set out for?” Saul was like, “Apparently fine. That’s what Samuel says anyways.” He didn’t bother telling his family that he was about to be appointed the first king of Israel for some reason. So Samuel gathered a bunch of people around and annointed Saul as the king. He was like, “You guys have asked for a king for quite some time. Ever since those Benjamites did those horrible things! So I made a Benjamite a king!” Most people were really excited. Some people were like, “Fuck this guy.” Saul didn’t let it get to him.
So shortly after that this Ammonite named Nahash took over the city of Jabesh. When they tried to make a peace treaty, Nahash said, “I’ll only agree to a peace treaty if you fucking gouge out everyone’s right eye in all of Israel.” This is known as the “I don’t want to make a peace treaty” clause. It’s rarely successful. So word spread about this to Saul (who was plowing his field with his oxen even though he was the king now and didn’t have to do things like this anymore.) Saul got so mad that he chopped up his oxen into little pieces and said, “Anyone who fucks with Samuel and I will have this exact thing happen to their oxen.”
Just before Jabesh surrendered to Nahash, Saul and his army showed up and killed almost all of the Ammonites and Nahash. They let a few live. But not many. They let so few live that no two people could flee together. After this, everyone accepted Saul as king. He fucking swept through and started fucking up the Philistines again. When the Philistines had enough they attacked with everything they had. They were apparently a much more badass army that Saul had thought. Saul’s army hid in caves and bushes and Saul ran back to Gilgal to kill animals for god. This act of cowardice pissed Samuel off and he left Gilgal in a huff.
Saul and his son Jonathan were apparently all of a sudden the only people in Israel with a working sword or spear because the Philistines would raid constantly and kill their blacksmiths. They were apparently very efficient. Jonathan and his armor bearer went rogue and slaughtered a few dozen Philistines on their own. It was starting to look like Saul was a pretty shitty king.
Things started to look up for a little bit, though. Saul grabbed an ephod and brought it into battle. This confused the Philistines and they started killing each other. Wars are rarely won this way. So the Israelites mowed them down and took their swords and shit.
For some reason Saul declared, “Fuck everyone who eats before the sun goes down. He’ll fucking die.” Jonathan, his son, didn’t hear this and ate some honey. When god wouldn’t talk to him, Saul decided that it was because one of his soldiers had sinned. And it was apparently his son Jonathan by no fault of his own. Saul was about to kill Jonathan in front of everyone, but his troops were like, “No! We like him.” Nothing came of this, but there was a temporary cease fire with the Philistines.
God told Samuel to tell Saul, “Go fuck up the Amalekites real good. Fucking every living thing around them I want you to destroy. Fuck those guys.” Saul and his army went in and slaughtered every man, woman, and child. But then they kept a few of the animals to kill and set on fire for god. Because god usually loves that shit. Saul also built a huge monument praising himself. Samuel found out that they held on to a few animals to kill for god and decided that even though they’d technically killed all the animals. They killed some in battle and then killed some for sacrifice. This wasn’t exactly what god had said and Samuel freaked the fuck out. He screamed “God wants you to obey more than he wants you to sacrifice animals!” Side note. The book of Leviticus might disagree with this.
So Samuel said that Saul can’t be the king anymore. Then he made Saul kill Agag, who was the Amalekite king. Samuel and Saul didn’t speak for the rest of Samuels life.
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