Once they crossed the Red Sea, Moses and all of the freed slaves followed him and sang a song about how anyone who crosses them will fucking die and every single leader in the area will be terrified of the Israelites. They ended up wandering into a new desert on the other side of the Red Sea which we know now as ... still Egypt. After three days in the desert with no water (and somehow no deaths), the tribe stumbled across a spring that had bitter water. Moses was like, “Oh shit. This water may be bitter, but check this shit out. God just blessed this piece of wood and when I throw it in the water it will be totally fine to drink. (side note) Sources tell me that this is not a safe way to purify water.
Moses turned to the tribe and said, “If you do all the insane shit that god tells us to do, he totally will let us live all the time. But you gotta make sure that everything I say, no matter how batshit insane it is, you follow!” Everyone begrudgingly agreed. But after a month and a half with no steady food supply, the tribe starting complaining, “Yo. Shit was bad when we were slaves. But wandering around the desert aimlessly with no food is totally stupid. Fuck everything!” God heard them complaining and decided, “I’ll give them some food. But, I’m still god, so I’ll have to make some weird stipulations.” God said to Moses, “Check it out. I’m gonna give ya’ll some quail and I’m gonna make it rain flour. Everyone will be like, ‘What the fuck is this powdery shit?’ So you should call the flour ‘Mana.’ Which means, ‘What the fuck is this powdery shit.’ Every day I’ll give it to you, but don’t try to hold on to it. I’ll send you food, but if you do the rational thing and store it properly, I’ll fucking ruin you.” Sure enough the Mana and quail were provided and when people tried to save some of their food until the morning it got all covered in maggots and god was pissed.
The Israelites wandered around some more and after a few more days with no water, they were like, “Moses! Make god give us some fucking water.” Moses got mad at them for being thirsty, but asked god for water nonetheless. God said, “Go around hitting rocks with your stick. Eventually one will give you water.” Moses did just this and eventually it worked out for him. (side note) If you’re in the desert and thirsty, I would not recommend this.
So, a couple days later, the Israelites ran into the Amalekites and killed every single man, woman, and child. God loved that shit. Randomly they ran into Jethro (who was Moses’s father in law and still alive somehow.) Jethro told Moses, “You’ve got a pretty good thing going here, with your hundreds of thousands of people following you around. You should probably build a functioning society with order and shit. Maybe some judges and priests. I don’t care. Do whatever you want.” So Moses did that. He appointed a bunch of judges and priest, but realized he didn’t really have a lot of laws. He had a bunch of rules on how to follow Passover and of course the rules on circumcision, but those two things do not make a functional society.
Then, after three months of wondering around the desert, the Israelites showed up at the bottom of Mount Sinai. (side note) Mount Sinai is 40 miles from the Red Sea. They seriously covered less than a half mile a day following Moses. God told Moses, “In three days I’m going to dress up like a cloud and come talk to ya’ll. So tell everyone to wash their clothes somehow… in this desert… with very little water. Also, nobody can fuck. At all. Because I think fucking is gross.” Sure enough, three days later god showed up and grabbed Moses and Aaron. He said, “Come up here and I’ll give you some rules. No one else can come up, not even your priests. Just you two.” Moses and Aaron (who were in their 80s at the time) climbed up the mountain and god said, “Here’s some more rules. I love giving you guys rules. It makes me happy.”
“Rule number 1: “I got ya’ll out of slavery into this horrible existence of wandering around the desert. Therefore I am fucking awesome. I’m the only god you’re allowed to worship. There are others apparently, but only worship me. Actually, you might be able to worship other gods. But I’m first! I’m the most important!!”
“Rule number 2: Don’t worship idols and totems and shit. I hate crap like that, I’m super jealous and I just don’t wanna see things like that, okay?”
“Rule number 3: Don’t misuse my name. I will randomly change it through the course of history and don’t misuse it. I’m not gonna clarify on what that means, but if you misuse my name, I will fuck you right up.”
“Rule number 4: Don’t work on Saturday. In fact, don’t do anything on Saturday. Saturday is the day for sitting around and giving me compliments.”
“Rule number 5: Respect your parents.”
“Ruler number 6: Don’t murder. I will command you to kill a fuckload of people, I already have, and that’s fine. And Moses, I know you killed that slaver. That’s cool. Only kill people if I tell you to. Don’t kill on your own will. Unless you need to.”
“Rule number 7: Don’t cheat on your spouse. “
“Rule number 8: Don’t steal shit.”
“Rule number 9: Don’t make shit up about people to ruin their lives.”
“Rule number 10: Don’t want things that don’t belong to you. Don’t even sit and be like, ‘Damn, Eglimesh has some great slaves and cows.’ Don’t do it.”
“Oh, also there are a bunch of other rules. Don’t make me an idol. Or do. But when you do make it out of raw stones and don’t walk on top of it with your robe, cuz i don’t wanna see your dick. If you buy a slave of your own race, you only get to keep them for 6 years. If you kill someone on accident, make them hide for a while while I investigate the crime. If anyone fucks with their parents, I’ll kill them. If anyone kidnaps anyone, I’ll kill them. If anyone talks shit about their parents, I’ll kill them. If anyone tries their hand at sorcery, kill them. If anyone fucks an animal, kill them. Everything else can be settled in court. Don’t hit pregnant women and I totally still want you to kill animals, because I love that shit. But don’t you dare boil a goat in its mother’s milk. Because that’s gross.”
“Also, build an ark (which is a box with poles on it and not a giant boat now) and decorate it with gold. This might seem weird because you’re having enough trouble with getting food and water. But I demand a small box covered in golden angels. Build it and carry it around. Build a bunch of lamps and use oil to burn them. Also, use that oil to dump on people to anoint them. Priests need to dress a certain way and make sure everyone washes their feet in a certain basin before coming into my tent to talk to me. For I am the lord and I hate dirty feet.”
So apparently while Moses and god were up on the mountain, Aaron got bored and walked on down back to camp. Meanwhile, the Israelites got bored and said, “Moses has been gone a while. Also, he’s fucking old. I bet he died trying to climb that mountain. Hey! We’re still wearing these golden earrings that Moses told us to wear to fuck with the Egyptians. Let’s melt them down and make a giant gold cow. Then we can worship that! I mean, you gotta worship something and our current god hasn’t really been a huge help.”
Aaron got down to camp just in time to hear them say this and decided, “Fuck yeah! We’ll sacrifice some animals to it and everything will be awesome. Then we’ll all have crazy sex all over the calf!” God had a feeling something was going down down there and he told Moses to go down there and fuck them up. So he did. He ran down the mountain and saw all his followers fucking each other and sacrificing animals to a golden calf. So he did what anyone would do, he smashed the tablets that contained the Ten Commandments and killed three thousand people.
God said, “I can’t even be around you guys right now. I’m so mad, you don’t even know. I want to DESTROY YOU! Instead, go on without me for a while. Go kill a bunch of different ethnic groups and tribes. We’ll reconvene later.” God gave Moses a second batch of ten commandments and all the other very specific rules on how to eat, bathe, dress, cook, and whatnot. Then god said, “Go hide behind this rock. So you don’t see my face. If you see my face it’ll kill you.” Moses hid and god was able to keep his insecurities to himself.
So Moses came out and said, “God’s leaving for a while because you guys hurt his feelings. I hope you’re happy. He told us we gotta go and fuck up everyone in this region. Before we do that though, we gotta build a tabernacle and this ark of the covenant and a bunch of other shit we gotta carry around with us.” The tribe listened to him in fear that he might go on another crazy rampage and kill a few thousand more people. Also his face was very radiant. So Moses got busy fucking with all the ridiculous shit they had to build. Which is a pretty steep order for a nomadic tribe.
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