Zephaniah was a prophet around the time of Josiah (The guy who was king when he was 8 years old) who talked about shit getting fucked up, and I’m going to do my best to get through this as fast as I can.
Apparently god decided just to speak directly through Zephaniah with all the warnings about the shit he was gonna do.
He’s like, “I will fucking sweep everything off the face of the earth. I will sweep away humans and animals. I will sweep the birds out of the air and the fish out of the fucking sea. The wicked will only have piles of rubble when I’m done wiping everything off this fucking planet.”
“I’m fucking up Jerusalem. I’m fucking up everyone who worships that cool god, Baal. I’m fucking up everyone who goes onto their roof and worships stars like an idiot. I’m fucking up every merchant who uses money for transactions. I will ruin everything all the fucking time. And to those who think I won’t, fuck you. I will.”
“When I come through, your cries will be fucking bitter. It will be a day of wrath and anguish. Fuck you. I will make your blood pour out like dust and your guts fly out of your ass like shit. What? You think your money can save you? Fuck you. I will fucking kill you.”
“You guys should’ve listened to me. Now it’s too goddamn late. Not even just Jerusalem, either. I’m fucking up Gaza and Ashkelon, too! As a matter of fact, anyone who lives near the Mediterranean Sea is getting wiped off the face of the earth. Fuck you.”
“Also, all you fucking Moabites and Ammonites who talked shit on the very same people I promised to destroy 1 minute ago? I’m fucking you up, too. I’m fucking up Moab and Ammon like I did Sodom and Gomorrah. Also, fuck you Cushites and fuck you Assyria. You’re all going to fucking die.”
“Eventually, though. I’ll let you Jews return to Jerusalem. Because I’m such a nice god.”
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