We start out a long list of insignificant kings. Jehoahaz, Jehoash, Zechariah, Shallum, Menahem, Pekahiah, and Pekah, of Israel and Amaziah, Azariah, and Ahaz of Judah. All these guys came and went with nothing really significant happening. So that’s that. Ahaz became king when he was 16. Good for him.
Anyways, after all these guys came and went, Hezekiah was king of Judah and Hoshea was king of Israel. Hoshea was a shitty king and so were all the people who came before him, in my opinion. He pissed god off by building statues around his city and god was like, “That’s fucking it. I gave you somewhere between 10 and 600 very simple or very difficult and ridiculous rules to follow and you’ve pissed me off for the last time. I’m letting the Assyrians take your land away.” Sure enough, the Assyrian army took Israel out and they once again found themselves as a people without a country.
The king of Assyria took over the land of Samaria and started filling it with his own people. Eventually god came down to him and said, “I live here. I’m apparently not everywhere, I live here. I live here and I demand you guys worship me.” When they kept sticking to their own customs and worshipping their own gods, he sent a bunch of lions in there to eat people. The Assyrian king decided to grab an Israeli priest to teach these guys how to live. The priest came, but no one cared. This apparently, was good enough for god to stop the lion attacks.
Hezekiah king of Judah was loyal to god and didn’t cheat on him with statues or whatever, but one day Hezekiah sinned somehow, it’s not mentioned. It’s possible he sinned by letting people under him sin, whatever. So he sinned and god made the king of Assyria take a bunch of his gold away. He had to strip all the gold off his doorknobs and whatnot. I didn’t even know they had doorknobs back then. Sources tell me that they didn’t.
So eventually, the king of Assyria whose name is Sennacherib decided to march on Jerusalem. He had his military commander make a huge speech right outside the walls that basically went something like this, “You guys say you’re a strong military, but I know you’re fucking not. We have the same god now, so you can’t depend on him to protect you. In fact he told me to come here and attack you. It was definitely him and not just a voice in my head, that’s for sure! Your king is misleading you! If you stand against me, you’ll fucking die, but if you surrender, we’ll make sure you have plenty of wine and bread. It’s gonna happen, so make your choice!” The people of Jerusalem just kind of ignored him.
Eventually word of this spread to Hezekiah and he did what any rational person would do, he tore his fucking clothes off and put a burlap sack on instead. Then he made all of his priests do the same. Then they all went to the temple wearing burlap sacks instead of clothes. This might be the worst way to boost morale I’ve ever heard. Hezekiah then received a letter from the Cushite King of Egypt that said, “Don’t worry. God’s not gonna let the Assyrians win.” Hezekiah prayed that god would kill all of his enemies, (which I think we’ve all done at some point) and Isaiah, this hip new prophet made the prediction that Sennacherib would lose this war. Sure enough that angel of death from Exodus decided to make a surprise appearance and swept through killing 185,000 Assyrian troops and scaring the fuck out of Sennacherib. Sennacherib decided to wander on back to Nineva and his son literally “chopped him down with a sword.”
Shortly after this, Hezekiah got sick and was on his deathbed. This hip new prophet Isaiah asked him how much the Babylonians knew about their resources. Hezekiah said, “I showed them everything we had, because I’m an idiot.” Isaiah said, “Well because you did that, at some point they’re gonna come and take fucking everything. Also, they’re going to chop your sons’ dicks off and turn them into dickless slaves. Have fun with that.” Hezekiah said, “God’s word is good.” But he didn’t mean it. Then the bible says, “And about how Hezekiah made a pool and had a water supply through the city, are they not talked about in the annals of the Kings of Judah?” I don’t know, apparently not. Hezekiah died right then.
Once Hezekiah died, his son Manessah took over and said, “Fuck Jehovah! I’m going back to Baal.” He also, apparently slaughtered so many innocent people that there was blood all over the place in Jerusalem. This is looked at as less important that the changing of religions. He died, and Amon took over, Amon died and Josiah took over when he was 8. This guy was a fucking king at age 8. Holy shit. 8.
Josiah tried to get everyone back on the Jehovah train. He even found the Book of Law buried deep within the temple. Then an old lady told him that right after he dies, Jerusalem and the rest of Judah was going to fucking burn because people had been burning incense to the wrong god. Josiah stepped up his game and swept through Judah breaking down every statue he saw. Then he made everyone celebrate passover. Then he died. A few kings came and went after him, Jehoaz, Jehoiakim, and Jehoiachin. Then this guy Nebuchadnezzar came on through representing Babylon, took Johoiachin hostage, and putting his uncle Zedekiah in charge because Nebuchadnezzar liked guys with Zs in their names. Then Nebuchadnezzar took Jerusalem by storm and fucking destroyed it and the culture within. Eventually Jehoiachin was real eased but never took off his prisoner clothes until the new Babylonian king decided that he should in order to eat with him.
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