Jeremiah was around during the time of King Josiah. It’s really confusing how this book doesn’t really follow any kind of chronological order, but neither do the Narnia Chronicles so I guess that’s an issue for another time.
So when Jeremiah was a little kid, god came to him and said, “I’ve had my eye on you. Even before your dad came inside your mom and knocked her up, I’ve been waiting for you. Even before you were born I had big plans for you to be my main prophet.” Jeremiah was like, “I can’t even talk good, I am just a little kid. What the fuck are you even talking about?” God said, “Don’t say that shit. Listen to me and you’ll do just fine. I’ll make you so powerful you’ll go around fucking up everything. In my name!”
So god played a Pictionary-esque game with Jeremiah for a while. He saw an almond tree and a boiling pot. He got it in his mind that that was a sign to let everyone in the Northern kingdom know that their lives were about to suck ass. God then rambled on about how Israel used to be so loving towards him, like a bride. And now it has turned its back on him, like a bride that was badly beaten and abused by a lunatic of a husband.
So god got super jealous and Jeremiah called Israel a “whore who was unfaithful” to god. So god finally granted Israel a divorce from himself. Cuz he just needed some alone time. But then god came back and said, “Hey! Israel! I’ve been doing some thinking and I want you back. I am your husband! I chose you! Apparently you have not a whole lot of choice in the matter.”
So Jeremiah just went on a rant for a while about how if they take god back, they’ll have all the glory and good things and all that jazz. And if they don’t they’ll be fucking destroyed by chaos and filth. God decided to make it very clear that every human being disgusts him. And he’s really doing us a favor by letting us live at all. Then he told the Benjamites (the tribe previously cursed for gang-raping a Levite’s sex slave to death and then giving us Saul: the world’s worst king) to go and attack Jerusalem because he was mad at them.
Jeremiah declared that all religions, other than his, are totally stupid. This is the first and last time anybody said anything of the sort. He declared that everything bad that’s happening in everyone’s life is simply because of the fact that they cheated on god with other gods and they didn’t take Saturdays off to pray. That’s what causes drought, famine, and disease apparently. Then he started talking about some guy he saw making a pot and asked Israel why they couldn’t … a country of 7 million… be as easy to mold and control as wet clay. They didn’t give him a response.
Everybody was getting really sick of listening to Jeremiah tell them how to live their lives so they decided to fuck with him in some unspecified way and also talk a bunch of shit about him. This hurt Jeremiah’s feelings so he cried out to god, “God! These guys are being mean! Kill them! And make their wives unable to have kids ever again! Let raiders come and kill their fucking families!”
It’s not really clear what happened after that, but soon Jeremiah let everyone know that if they don’t stop worshipping this Baal fellow, that they’ll end up eating their kids. This priest Pash-hur heard Jeremiah saying this shit and decided to have him beaten savagely and locked in stocks. While Jeremiah was locked up he said, “You’re name is no longer Pash-hur. Now it’s Magor Mis-sabib. Do you know what that means? It means Terror on Every Side. So fuck you. Guess what god just told me. He said, ‘Fuck this priest. Everyone around him will be surrounded by terror. Terror on every side. Because of him I’m gonna let Babylon conquer Israel and Judah. It’s this guys fault. Also, I’m going to kill him and everyone who listened to anything he had to say.’”
After a while Jeremiah got sick of being a prophet. He complained to god about it. In the old days god would’ve just killed him or given him leprosy or something. But in this case he didn’t. He just ignored him. It really seems like god changes his tune in every book.
So apparently some time had passed and Zedekiah was king now. Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, was about to fuck up Israel and Zedekiah grabbed Pash-hur his favorite king to come and talk to god for him and hopefully get Nebuchadnezzar off their backs. Jeremiah decided this was his time to go where he wasn’t invited and say, “Fuck you Zedekiah and fuck this dipshit Pash-hur! Nebuchadnezzar is gonna come in here and fuck all of us up! Hooray!”
So then Jeremiah rambled on a bunch of parables about false prophets and figs and shit. It’s really interesting to me how every prophet has a lot to say about how every prophet who disagrees with them is so wrong that if you listen to anyone but them, you’ll fucking die the worst death imaginable. Anyways. Jeremiah had a pretty good streak going of everyone who stood against him dying the worst ways imaginable.
Jeremiah was walking around with a yoke on his neck rambling on about how screwed they all were and how Nebuchadnezzar was gonna fuck all their lives up. Another guy named Hananiah came by and broke the yoke off of Jeremiah’s neck and said, “Nah dude! God just said to me, ‘The same way I just broke this yoke off this crazy idiot, I’ll free Israel from Nebuchadnezzar within two years.’” This pissed Jeremiah off and he said, “Hananiah! God sent me! Not you! Fuck you!” Hananiah died shortly there after.
So sure enough. Nebuchadnezzar fucked up Israel and Judah. One of the kings, Jehoiakim even tried to burn all of the scrolls that Jeremiah had written on. But that didn’t matter. Jerusalem still fell. The Jews were forced to live their lives in exile. Once again as a people without a country. I’m kind of tired of talking about it actually. I wonder how many more books cover this one story. At least one more.
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