Joshua had died and there wasn’t a definite leader of the 12 tribes. They didn’t quite break apart, but the tribal leaders took control of their own armies and enforcing all the crazy shit god had told them to do. God decided that the tribe of Judah were the ones to take on the remaining Canaanites because god’s bloodlust was not satisfied yet. Not even a little bit.
The army of Judah, with the help of the Simeonites, raided Bezek and slaughtered 10,000 men. They found Adoni-bezek (the king of jerusalem) and cut off his thumbs and big toes. He was strangely okay with it. “I’ve fucked over a lot of people who had thumbs and big toes,” he said, “So it’s fitting that mine should be cut off.” I doubt anyone I know, myself included, would ever be that chill. The Judah motherfuckers brought him back to Jerusalem to die a disfigured freak’s death. Once they were in Jerusalem, they decided to fucking destroy everyone living there. “Fuck all of you. We’re going to burn this fucking city down.”
So the tribe of Judah wandered around conquering cities and decided that they were tired of killing everybody that they came across. They decided that if they just enslaved everyone, it would be way simpler. God sent an angel down to them and said, “What the fuck? I told you to kill every fucking Canaanite you see! You just enslaved them? I do love watching them suffer all the time, but I wanted everyone slaughtered. Since you disobeyed me, I’m going to make sure that they will always be a thorn in your side.”
Anyways, so a few generations had passed since Moses and Joshua and all the new generations started worshipping that cool god Baal again. (I’ve never heard of a conquering race turning to the god of the conquered before. Usually it’s the other way around) They were wandering around fucking whomever they felt like and not spending all of their time killing animals for god and feeling guilty about things. This made god angry and he stopped having their backs. After a bunch of them got all fucked up, god decided to tell the judges of the 12 tribes how to get them back. Unfortunately, these punk kids wouldn’t listen to the judges and just went around fucking whomever and worshipping whatever gods were available.
God’s punishment for this was that he would force the Israelites to live side by side with other races and civilizations. Which we now just know as The World The Israelites started fucking all these other people and even marrying them. God was steaming with anti-interracial rage.
He would abandon them, they’d get oppressed, they’d beg for him to come back and he would. The cycle continued every 18 years or so.
Then there was this king named Eglon. Eglon was this fat piece of shit that enslaved the Israelites for 18 years. God decided to help them out again and told Ehud to strap an 18 inch blade onto his leg and enter the king’s chambers. Ehud went to the king’s chambers and said, “I have a secret message for you.” Eglon, being apparently the least paranoid leader ever, decided to kick all of his guards out of his presence to hear this secret message. As soon as everyone was gone, Ehud said, “I have a message from god.” And stabbed his 18 inch blade into this fat motherfucker Eglon right in the gut. Eglon was so fucking fat that his fat disgusting body just swallowed the sword right the fuck on in. Handle and all. Ehud thought this was pretty gross, so he left without even confirming the kill. He told the guards that Eglon was sleeping and I bet the guards thought that they had totally banged. But they didn’t. Ehud just killed the fat king of Moab. The next day they overthrew the city and took it for 80 years. One of Ehud’s kids, named Shamgar, decided to kill 600 philistines with an oxgoad. That’s a big stick to hit oxen with. 600 people. That is a packed house at the Brooklyn Bowl. Killed with a stick.
So anyways, eventually Ehud died and god decided to deliver the Israelites right into the hands of a king named Jabin. Jabin had a general named Sisera who commanded 900 iron chariots which apparently is enough to oppress 600,000 people. He oppressed them for 20 years until this woman, Deborah stepped up as the leader of Israel. So, there ya go, Israel had a female leader back when the punishment for rape was paying the girls father a few days worth of wages. So Deborah grabbed this guy Barak and said, “I want you to grab 10,000 men and go to Mount Tabor and kill everyone in Sisera’s army.” Barak said, “I’ll only go if you come with me, because I’m scared.” Deborah said, “I’ll go with you, you fucking sissy. But the victory won’t be yours it will be mine. A woman will be the one to conquer Sisera.” Also, Deborah was a fucking badass.
So Sisera, being the worst general in the history of war, gathered 100% of his troops and all his 900 iron chariots and brought them all the Mount Tabor. “Put all your eggs in one basket.” he said. Deborah waited a while and once the time was right, said, “Barak. Go! Kill all these motherfuckers.” Barak and his 10,000 men slaughtered every member of Sisera’s army. They retreated and Barak’s men were like, “Nope! You’re not getting off that easily.” They chased them down chopping heads off like they were trimming a dandelion field.
Sisera escaped and hid in this lady named Jael’s tent. Jael told him he was welcome there and gave him a skin full of milk. (I read this like five times because i was convinced this was how they would say that she breastfed him, but no unfortunately, she just had an animal skin full of milk. And she let him have some.) Sisera was tired and passed out. Jael stood over his unconscious body and said, “Fuck you you fucking piece of shit. You’ve been oppressing us for 20 years and now you come to my tent and drink my milk and pass out on my floor like a dick? Fuck you.” She took a spare tent stake and hammered it through his head. Then she went outside and said, “Hey! I killed that motherfucker, Sisera! I killed him with a tent spike. And it was fucking awesome!” Everyone was totally down with this and the next day they assassinated Jabin. It’s not specified how, but I guarantee it was fucking brutal.
The Israelites sang a long song about how Deborah was a bad bitch and could kill anyone she fucking wanted to. They were right. Also, she gave each man two women from the conquered. “This will keep these horny losers off my back.” She thought. She was right. She ruled the Israelites through 40 years of peace.
But as we all know, eventually they failed to follow all of god’s bizarre rules and god punished them by forcing them into oppression by the Mideonites. The Mideonites and their friends swept through and ruined all of Israel’s crops and killed all of their livestock. God decided that the Israelites had had enough and told this guy named Gideon (while he was in the middle of plowing a field) that it was time to fuck the Mideonites up. Gideon was like, “Why do you keep abandoning us?” God said, “Because you keep fucking up. I have a long list of crazy rules and if you break them, I let you guys get fucked up. But now I’m telling you to go fuck these Mideonites up.” Gideon said, “I don’t know if you’re god or just a voice in my head so give me a sign.” This was the first time in the bible anyone ever considered this. Keep this in mind.
God had an angel come down and tell gideon to put some food on a rock and then god sent it on fire. Gideon was like, “Holy shit! You are god! I’m gonna kill these fucking Mideonites!” God told Gideon, “Go tear down the altars of those other two chiller gods Asherah and Baal. Build me an altar and kill your dad’s favorite bull.” Gideon did and god was pleased. Everyone else was like, “Who tore down our altars and killed this bull? I bet it was that fucker, Gideon!” An angry mob went to Gideon’s dad and said, “We’re going to kill your fucking son.” Gideon’s dad said, “No you’re not. Fuck you. He destroyed your altars and he was right to do so. Get the fuck out of here.”
Gideon then told god, “If we’re really gonna fuck these people up I need a sign.” So he left some wool outside and in the morning the wool was wet and the ground was dry. He said, “Well i guess this makes sense, because wool holds water better than ground.” So just to make sure he was on god’s side, Gideon put some wool on the ground again and in the morning the ground was wet but the wool was dry. He was like, “Word. Let’s fuck these Mideonites right up.”
Gideon gathered all the army of 32,000 men. God said, “That’s too many.” Gideon said, “That’s weird. Usually in war, the more men you have the better.” God said, “Shut up.” So Gideon asked if anyone was scared and 22,000 men were like, “Yes.” So he sent them home. Then god said, “That’s still too many.” So he brought them down to the watering hole. God said, “I only want soldiers who drink water like civilized fucking human beings.” Of the 10,000 only 300 actually drank water the right way. So god said, “These 300 it is. Fuck everyone else. Send them home.” Gideon did exactly that.
With his army of three hundred, they marched on the camp of the Mideonites. It’s confusing as to why god decided to send a guy named Gideon to fight the Mideonites. But anyways, Every man had a trumpet, a jar, a torch, and a sword. When they got to the camp in the middle of the night, they smashed the jars and blew the trumpets and shouted, “God sent us to fucking kill all of you!” The Mideonites flipped the fuck out and started killing each other because they were apparently not very well trained. Gideon’s army of 300 slaughtered the Mideonites and chased them all the way down to the Jordan. They killed everyone and asked Gideon to be the new ruler of Israel. Gideon was like, “No. I don’t wanna rule you, and my kids won’t either. Just have god rule you. I do, however, want you to go take all the earrings off the dead people. And give them to me. For some reason.”
Gideon fucked a lot and had 70 kids. As soon as he died, one of his kids whom he named Abilemech (after that king that tried to bang Abraham’s sister/wife) decided he would seize control of Israel. God wasn’t thrilled on this and all the Baal worship that started immediately after Gideon died. Jotham, a different one of Gideon’s kids, also had a problem with this. He said, “I think we should put the trees in charge of who our next ruler is. Have people walk through the olive trees and if they get oil on them, they’ll be our next king.” Nobody paid him any mind because it’s a stupid idea, and eventually Jotham had to get the fuck out of town. Abilamech took control and reigned for three years. As he tried to conquer the city of Thebez, a woman dropped a millstone on his head and cracked his skull. He begged for his men to kill him with their swords so he wouldn’t have been killed by a woman. What an asshole.
Then this guy Jephthah came to power. He killed a lot of people and conquered like 20 cities. To show his thankfulness to god he said, “Thank you so much for helping me slaughter a bunch of people! Whatever I see first when I come home I’ll sacrifice to you!” Of course his daughter didn’t know this and she ran up to greet him when he came back. He was super bummed he made such a stupid promise. He told her, “Because you love me and greeted me and I’m apparently an idiot, I have to kill you and sacrifice you to god.” His daughter was like, “I guess that’s fine. Let me go cry in the woods for a while because I’ll never get married and now I’m going to die a virgin and it’s all your fault. But in two months I’ll come back and you can kill me.”
Exactly that happened. Because the Bible is fucked up.
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