So after Jephthah killed his daughter, another tribe called the Ephraim said, “Why didn’t you let us go fuck up all those cities with you? Because you didn’t invite us into battle, we’re going to burn your fucking house down with you in it.” Jephthah was like, “I totally did invite you and you guys didn’t come.” This started a pretty big war between several of the tribes and resulted in 42000 people from the tribe of Ephraim dying.
Jephthah took control of Israel for a few years and died, and everyone else who took control only lasted a few years. Everything was falling into chaos. Eventually they pissed god off again and spent 40 years oppressed by the Philistines. People were pretty pissed off and eventually god sent an angel down to this sterile woman and said, “I know you can’t have kids. And that sucks. But god’ll totally give you a kid, just make sure you don’t drink alcohol or eat any of the many many non-kosher foods while you’re pregnant. (not bad advice, really.) Also, You can never cut this kids hair. Ever. I know at one point god said nobody can ever cut their hair. But now, with this kid. It’s super important. Do these super easy tasks of two common sense things and one out of shear laziness and your son will liberate Israel from the Philistines.”
This woman went and told her husband, Manoah, and he waited a while and kept banging his wife responsibly and often until one day he was like, “Hey god! Where’s this son?” The same angel came down and Manoah said, “How should I raise this kid? What kind of stuff should I teach him?” The angel said, “Just don’t let your wife drink any alcohol or eat unclean food. That’s it. That’s all you have to do.” Manoah offered to cook a goat for dinner for the angel and the angel was like, “I’m a fucking angel. I don’t eat food. But now that you offer it, why don’t you kill it and sacrifice it to god. He loves that shit.” Manoah asked a pretty weird question after that. He said, “What’s your name?” The angel was like, “That’s something I’m gonna assume you won’t be able to comprehend. Fuck you for even asking. Why does it matter what my fucking name is? I’m an angel.” The man decided this was god’s way of killing him. He was wrong. A few months (probably ten or so) later, Samson was born.
So Samson spent his life growing up and being super strong and one day met a Philistine woman whom he had a crush on. His parents were super anti this whole interracial thing and were like, “Why don’t you marry one of your relatives? Or at least a different Israelite?” Samson was like, “Shut up, dad. God’s apparently using this woman to cause tensions with the philistines. Now come help me woo her.”
Manoah, Samson, and Samson’s mom (The bible decided not to name her. This is how important they felt the average woman was back then, the mother of Samson was only known as ‘The mother of Samson”) went on down to the vineyard where this philistine girl was. Apparently, Samson had wandered off and got attacked by a lion. He beat the fucking lion to death with his fists and tore it in half for some reason. Eventually some bees decided to make a hive inside this dead lion carcass and Samson grabbed a handful of honey right out of an active fucking beehive because Samson didn’t give a fuck. He didn’t tell his parents or anyone else any of this.
Samson married this Philistine girl and had a huge feast. He bet the Philistine guests a bunch of clothing that they couldn’t answer his riddle within a week. His riddle was, “Out of the eater, something to eat. Out of the strong, something sweet” Since we all know that he tore a lion in half and then left the body there long enough to take honey from inside of it, we know the answer, but nobody there had any idea. After four days, the Philistines told Samson’s wife, “If you don’t get this fucking Israelite husband of yours to tell you the answer, we’ll kill you and your fucking dad.” She flipped out and did was lots of women do when they need information from their husbands. She said, “You hate me! If you love me you’ll tell me the answer!” He begrudgingly told her because she cried for a while and right before the week was up, the Philistines came to him and were like, “I know the answer, although it’s more like another riddle. ‘What is sweeter than honey, what is stronger than a lion.”
Samson replied, “If you hadn’t plowed with my cow, you’d have not known the answer.” (Side Note: Referring to your wife as a cow is generally seen as a bad idea 100% of the time.) Samson, to pay his debt, went into the philistine town of Ashkelon and beat 30 people unconscious and stole their clothing. That’s how he paid his debt. Don’t fuck with this guy. Then he went to the girl’s father and said, “Here’s your shitty daughter back. Go give her to one of your friends. I’m done with her.”
So around the harvest season, Samson calmed down and went back to the girl’s father and said, “I’m here to fuck my wife.” The girl’s dad was like, “I thought you didn’t want her anymore so i gave her away to one of your friends. This is how we treat women in our society. I have a prettier daughter who’s even younger! You can have her, instead!” Samson wandered off and said to nobody in particular, “Now I have a just reason to hate these people who’ve been oppressing my people for 40 years.” (Side note, he already had a reason and this wasn’t it. He had returned his fucking wife to her father like she was a broken iPod.) Samson gathered up 300 foxes (because Samson was the kind of guy who could do things like that) and tied torches to their tails like an asshole. Because foxes are scared of fire, they kept trying to run away from the flame resulting in them actually just dragging around a bunch of lit torches wherever they ran. This burned down all the Philistine’s wheat fields.
When the now hungry Philistines found out that Samson did this because of his ex-wife and father-in-law they burned them both alive. Samson was like, “Hey! You burned those two people I hated. I’m going to fuck up all of you.” He wandered around for an unspecified amount of time, killing every Philistine he saw until he got tired, then went and hid in a cave. The Philistine army attacked the Israelite’s camp and said, “Where is samson. We’re going to fucking kill him.” When the other Israelites asked samson, “Why are you fucking with the Philistines? They’re kind of in charge here.” Samson was like, “I’m only doing to them, what they did to me!” They were like, “They didn’t kill a shitload of you and burn down your crops. A couple of them cheated you and one of them hurt your feelings. Anyways, they’ve come to get you.” Samson said, “Whatever happens, don’t kill me yourselves. Let them do it.” They were like, “We weren’t going to anyways, but okay. We do have to tie you up and hand you over, though.”
The Philistine army dragged a tied up Samson back to their city to prosecute him for his long long list of crimes. On the way there he decided, “Fuck this shit. I’m going to straight up murder all of these people.” It’s worth noting that they sent 1000 men to capture him. That’s how badass Samson was. We sent 79 people and a dog to capture Bin Laden. Samson broke his binds and grabbed a donkey’s jawbone that was just hanging out there and beat all 1000 troops to death. All of them. They had swords and spears and he had a fucking jawbone. He won. After killing all of them he said, again to no one in particular, “With a donkey’s jawbone, I made donkeys out of them, with a donkey’s jawbone, I killed a thousand men.” Then he asked god for water and god provided it accordingly. Then he walked back to Israel and decided that he was in charge for the next 20 years. Nobody argued.
So 20 years later, Samson went to Gaza and found a prostitute to bang. Since (and I know this is hard to imagine as we see the world today) Gaza and Israel did not get along, they sent a bunch of troops to surround the prostitutes house until Samson finished fucking her and came out. They were hanging out on top of the gate doors and eventually fell asleep, thinking that Samson had slept over with the prostitute. He hadn’t. He had been fucking the entire time. When he finished, at some point in the middle of the night, he just walked out of her house and tore the fucking gate off of the wall, with all the troops on top of it, and carried it to the top of a nearby hill and said “Fuck you. Don’t even fuck with me.” Everyone listened.
So eventually Samson fell hard this Philistine lady named Delilah. He loved him some Philistine ladies. He decided that at a young age and wasn’t about to stop now. All the Philistine leaders approached her and were like, “We’ll give you a shitload of money if you can tell us the source of Samson’s strength.” Delilah was totally fine with this idea. She asked him, “Just out of curiosity how would one subdue you?” Samson just started making shit up. First he told her that if they tied him up with thongs (bow strings not underwear) that’d work. When exactly that happened, he broke free and didn’t suspect a thing. Delilah kept asking how to subdue him and whatever he would tell her, she would try and fail.
After the first couple times, most people would realize that Delilah wasn’t on their side, but Samson wasn’t so bright. She kept being like, “You don’t love me unless you tell me what the secret to your strength is, and exactly what I… I mean someone else would have to do to successfully take you prisoner.” Samson was a fucking idiot, so he told her, “The secret of my strength is my hair. It’s weird as hell, I know. But my hair is the secret to my freakish superhuman strength. The longer my hair is, the stronger i am.”
So Delilah had a guy cut his hair while he was sleeping because of-fucking-course she did. The troops burst in and shackled him in bronze shackles. A little redundant, but anyways, Then they brought him to prison and his job was to grind wheat. While he was down in prison grinding wheat, his hair started growing back. For some reason nobody thought to continuously cut his hair, so his strength wouldn’t come back, so his hair grew and his strength came back.
The Philistines were celebrating how badass they were and they had a huge party in a temple. Thousands upon thousands of people were there and they started saying, “Hey, pull Samson out of prison so we can make fun of him!” The guards brought a shackled Samson up to the temple and showed him off to the crowd. Everyone was mocking him and calling him a dick. They were chanting, “Our god gave us this asshole who killed a lot of us and fucked up our lands.” Samson asked to be leaned against the two load bearing pillars. The ones that were keeping the roof up. Nobody saw a problem with this, so they totally obliged. Samson pushed the two load-bearing pillars over with his bare-fucking hands and the roof collapsed killing himself and every single philistine leader and important figure in their society among thousands more. Because that’s the only way Samson could have possibly died. Killing thousands of Philistines and himself in the process.
So with no definite leader anymore Israel fell into turmoil. The tribes started warring with each other and a bunch of them started building idols to worship. At some point there was a Levite man with his sex slave who were traveling around in the land of the Benjamites (a different Israeli tribe). They were staying in this old guy’s house and in the middle of the night, just like Sodom and Gomorrah, a throbbing mob of Benjamites came to the door and started banging on the door demanding to rape this Levite guy. The super progressive Old man said, “No don’t rape this guy! That’s gross! Instead, rape my virgin daughter and this guy’s sex slave!” The mob didn’t want to rape this guy’s daughter or the Levite sex slave, but nevertheless, the heroic Levite man pushed his sex slave out into the mob and they dragged her off and gang-raped her all night. The next day she crawled back to the house and collapsed on the doorstep, covered in blood. This super sensitive Levite man said to her, “Get up. Let’s go.” But she was dead. They had gang-raped her to death. So he threw her on the back of his donkey like she was a bag of grain and headed home.
When he got home he decided that he gave her a proper burial. Just kidding. He fucking chopped her into 12 pieces and shipped one to each tribe with a note saying, “This shit is fucked up.”
Everyone agreed and decided it was time to punish the Benjamites for this crime. Not just the Benjamites that gang-raped this lady to death, fucking all of them. God decided that the tribe of Judah should go into battle first, and they sent 10,000 men. The Benjamites killed like 30 of them and they were like, “We’re victorious!” Unfortunately for them, the remaining 9,970 soldiers swept on in and slaughtered 25,000 of them. They burned down all of the cities and killed all the livestock and said, “For the remaining Benjamites: none of us will let you marry our daughters!” Then they left.
The way the Benjamites dealt with this was they’d stalk gatherings and parties and when they saw women dancing by herself they’d capture her and force her into marriage. Everyone in Israel decided that shit was fucked up. They started discussing whether or not they should have a king to rule them.
And that is the end of Judges. Holy fucking shit did that end on a sour note.
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