Malachi (God's Threats)

This is the book of Malachi. But it’s mostly just god talking.

The book starts with god saying, “I love you. I have always loved all of you. But you keep asking, ‘Oh yeah? When and how have you ever loved us? You’ve been kind of a lunatic this whole fucking time.’ Well to that I say, ‘I loved Jacob. But I hated Esau. That’s why I fuck with everyone like this and make all of the descendants of Esau have shitty lives. Also I hate Edom. I really really fucking do.”

 “A son respects his father. Who respects me? The priests. Well they should anyways. And they haven’t always done that. So I had to kill a shitload of ya’ll and make you all suffer because of them.”

“Also, I’m kind of a big deal. Ya’ll gave me shitty defiled food as a sacrifice and it pisses me off. I am great. I am powerful. And I think I deserve a little fucking respect, don’t you?”

“So fuck you priests. You pissed me off. If you don’t cut this shit out immediately, I will fucking ruin everyone who descends from you. Now get your shit together and pay me the fucking respect that I deserve.”

“Also, Judah in general, you’ve been a fickle bunch. Sometimes you’re for me, sometimes you’re against me. Well check this shit out. You fucking leave me for a different god one more time and I will make sure you fucking pay. I’m tired of this shit. Also, I hate divorce.”

“So I’m going to send you a guy who will be like laundry soap on your dirty dirty shameful sheets. (side note: I didn’t know they had laundry soap back then. That’s an interesting fact.) When this guy shows up, listen to him. I’m gonna come back and any sorcerers, people who pay their laborers shittily, people who fuck with widows and orphans, and people who fuck with foreigners when i don’t specifically tell them to, are going to fucking pay.”

“Also, I need to get paid. I told the Levites to tell ya'll that I need ten percent of all your income. You’ve been falling behind lately. You keep this shit up and Imma send droughts and famine and just fuck with all your crops and livestock. I gotta get paid.”

“One day I will come back and wipe this whole fucking planet clean. I will burn fucking everything that pisses me off. I am fucking serious. Anyone left alive can go jump around on the ashes of the evil people. So you’ve got that to look forward to.”

“So basically, I’m sending Elijah back to come talk to ya’ll. After that. It’s fucking on.”

And that is the end of Malachi and the end of the Old Testament.