So, it was the Israelites fortieth fucking year wandering around in an area about the size of Minnesota. Moses decided, “Hey, let’s break up camp and head over to the Euphrates river. This is the promised land!” Everyone was like, “I thought the promised land was the land of Canaan and we weren’t allowed there yet.”
Moses said, “No. You’re not allowed there. And I’m not either. Only Caleb and my new protege Joshua are allowed there. You guys had your chance and you complained to much. God gets really sensitive. I spent the last 40 years obeying everything he said except one minor fuck up and he even banned me! But check it out, it’s been 38 years since this one random place we stayed for a little bit, and everyone who was there with us is dead now. Except me. I’m super old, but I’m not dead yet somehow.”
So they started trekking through this new country called Heshbon. Moses sent diplomats to tell the king, “Hey, we’re trekking through. We’ll buy whatever we need with silver. Don’t even worry about it.” God decided to fuck with free will again and hardened the king of Heshbon’s heart. God said to Moses, “I made it so that guy will not let you through by no fault of his own. You must punish him for some reason. Also, punish everyone in that kingdom!”
So Moses and company went through Heshbon and slaughtered every fucking person. They killed every little kid, every woman, and every man. They took all of their livestock. God was pleased They also destroyed the entire nation of Bashan. They made the Og King survive it, though. How merciful.
So the Israelites divided up their spoils of war between the tribes. And god came to Moses and said, “Moses, just so you know. You can’t cross the Jordan river.” Moses decided that he’d make everyone hang out with him on the shores of the Jordan river and camp until he died. He grabbed Joshua and said, “Don’t forget everything I told you. Don’t be afraid to mercilessly slaughter every other race you come across. God hates them. He’s on your side.”
God came down to them and said, “Hey, remember when I killed everyone in your tribe that worshipped Baal and fucked non-Israelites? I’ll do that shit again, don’t fuck with me. Obey all the dozens and dozens of weird rules i make for you and don’t worship idols. At fucking all. This doesn’t just go for you, this goes for everyone who comes after you. If there is a drop of Hebrew blood in someone’s veins, they have to follow me strictly. If there’s not, i don’t care. I truly have so little respect for human life, that I gave all of my rules to you guys only. But I will totally punish everyone else for not following them.”
Moses also declared that if anyone had gotten away with manslaughter but was afraid they’d get fucked with, there were three cities: Bezel, Ramoth, and Golan, in which they could go live. Moses was good at getting away with murder. Moses then re-iterated the ten commandments for everyone. Everyone was like, “We fucking know. We will obey god and all of his crazy whims.” God looked down and said, “I’m glad I finally beat these people into submission. It makes me happy.”
Moses said to everyone, “Make sure you love god. Like you love your abusive husband or horribly manipulative wife. Love him with all your hearts. Tell your kids how amazing he is and if they question any of his madness, punish them. Don’t worship other gods (or he’ll kill you) and never forget that if it wasn’t for him, ya’ll would still be slaves. You’ve been wearing the same clothes this whole time, apparently, and god is the reason they haven’t fallen off of you. He’s gonna be with you when your leader decides on a whim to bring destruction to other cities way worse than ISIS or any muslim force ever will. When we kill a thousand defenseless women and children, he’ll be with us cheering us on. When we burn entire cultures and civilizations out of existence and history, he’ll be happy.”
“Again, don’t eat unclean meat or food. Don’t boil a goat in its mothers milk. I don’t know why that’s so important, but it fucking is. Make sure you give those priests in my tribe 10 percent of all your shit, because god totally wants you to. Kill a lot of animals and drink a lot of wine. Fuck a lot and make a bunch of babies.”
“Every seven years cancel all debts that are owed to you. Every seven years free your slaves. Don’t forget all of those holidays we created.” Moses then repeated everything he had just said. He might have been suffering from acute Alzheimers at this point.
Moses decided that it was time for more rules, “Whenever you destroy a city, make sure you eat all the fruit before you burn it down. This should just be common sense, but i feel the need to tell you.”
“Also, if you find a body lying in a field and you don’t know who killed them, this is by far the simplest thing to do: Measure the distance between the body and your neighboring towns, walk a cow down to the stream by the nearest town and break its fucking neck and drain its blood into the stream, wash your hands in the stream that’s now full of blood and say, ‘I didn’t kill this guy.’ That is the only way to show that you’re innocent.”
“If you take a woman as a spoil of war in the rare case that you don’t kill everyone. Make sure you don’t start fucking her until a whole month of letting her mourn her family. Then you can fuck her all you want. This will probably be a lot more than she wants, but god doesn’t care about that shit. If you get sick of her, send her on her way. Don’t sell her as a slave. Have a heart. Kind of…”
“If a kid rebels against their parents, throw stones at him until he dies. Even if this is just part of the growing up process, I don’t have any time for that crap.”
“When you hang someone, bury them. Don’t just leave them hanging there… lol. If your neighbors are having trouble with their livestock fucking help them, don’t just be a dick and ignore them. I apparently hate cross dressing. If a woman wears mans clothes and vice versa, fucking kill them. If you find a nest, eat the eggs but leave the mom alone. Make sure the houses you build have parapets so people don’t fall off the roof, Don’t mix seeds together in your fields, plant one thing at a time, don’t have donkeys and oxen plow fields together for some reason, don’t mix wool and linen, and make sure you have tassels on all your clothes.”
Side note: I’m not making this up. All of these are rules and listed in equal importance.
“If you marry a girl and she’s lying about being a virgin, kill her in front of her fucking father. If a girl is engaged and someone rapes her, kill that guy. Women, this is as close as we’re gonna get for a long time to addressing rape. If a virgin is raped, the rapist owes her father 50 shekels. (side note: I’m not making this up, this is literally in there). And also, I can’t fucking stress this enough. Don’t fuck your mom. Not because it’s gross, but because it dishonors your father.”
“If you break any of these laws or are born into this world by someone who broke these, then you can’t join our assembly. You’re fucking unclean. Get the fuck out.”
“If a runaway slave finds asylum with ya’ll, don’t make them keep being a slave. Just treat them like a lower class citizen. Don’t make money off of prostitution or practice it yourselves. Don’t charge other Jews interest. All Goyum are totally fair game, though. Eating fruit off other people’s trees is fine, but don’t take a bunch and bring it home. Pay people fair wages and don’t withhold their payment or when they complain, I will fucking kill you. If your wife displeases you, divorce her so she can find someone who actually likes her.”
Moses then brought everyone onto mount Ebal and cursed people who make blind people go the wrong direction on the road (this was apparently a huge problem) then he cursed everyone who fucked their moms, kids, and sisters. Then he cursed the animal fuckers. Then he cursed the greedy and the murderers for hire. He also cursed anyone who worshiped idols.
Moses brought everyone to Mount Nebo and sang a big long song about how god was going to kill everyone who fucked with him or the Israelites that followed all the rules. He appointed Joshua to succeed him and fucking died in front of everyone.
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