Ezekiel begins, “In my thirtieth year, in my fourth month, on my fifth day.” So when he was thirty, “I saw the heavens open up and I saw visions of god.” Here we go… Ezekiel, when he was my age, saw a huge fire and in the middle of this crazy fire with molten metal and every other fucking thing terrible, 4 people. Each of these people had 4 wings and four faces. I don’t know why they’d be called people still. Even if they have people like attributes, once you have 4 faces and 4 wings. You stop being a person. Quote me on that. Also, they had legs like cows. Anyways, their four faces looked accordingly: First face was a man’s face, then a lion’s face, then an ox’s face, then finally an eagle’s face. Wherever these 4 ungodly creatures went they brought chaos and destruction.
Finally god started talking to him. He said, “Go talk to those stupid Israelites. They keep pissing me off. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. You’ll be sleeping with scorpions for some reason. And you know my track record with keeping people safe from harm. Also, eat this fucking scroll for some reason. Put this scroll of paper inside your mouth, chew it, and swallow it. For my amusement.”
So Ezekiel ate the scroll and god said, “Also, I’m gonna make your forehead as hard as flint.” Then Ezekiel wandered down to Tel Abib and hung out there for a week just hating everyone silently. After the week was up Ezekiel basically said, “Hey! I don’t wanna be here, but I’m doing it for my own benefit. You see, if ya’ll keep fucking up and I don’t say anything, I’m gonna pay. But if I say something and you keep fucking up, it’s on you. If you listen to me, you’ll be just fine, but I know you won’t, so fuck all of you anyways.”
The god told him to draw a map of Jerusalem on a clay tablet and lay next to it with the tablet on his left side. He was supposed to lay down next to this tablet for one day per year that Jerusalem had been pissing god off. It ended up being 390 days. Ezekiel laid around with a tablet for over a year. That was just how his life went for over a fucking year. The he had to switch sides and lay with it on his right side for 40 more days for Judah pissing god off. He got tied up with ropes, so he couldn’t shift around. The whole time he laid around with the tablet on the left side, he ate nothing but bread made out of wheat, barley, beans, lentils, millet, and spelt. I’ve actually eaten this bread in real life. It’s pretty good. We called it Ezekiel bread for some reason. Anyways, every day he would eat 8 ounces of bread and drink a little over a pint of water. That was his life.
Also, god made him cook his food over human shit. I’m not making this up. That was a fucking direct order. Ezekiel pleaded, “Goddammit, god! I have never eaten anything unclean in my whole life, and now you’re asking me to eat bread baked over human shit?” God ceded and said it was cool if he wanted to cook it over cow shit instead. What a guy.
Then god made him shave off his hair and beard and weigh it so he’d have it in three exactly even piles. When Nebuchadnezzar’s army came, he burned a third of his hair, scattered a third of his hair around the city with his sword somehow, and threw the rest to the wind. He also saved a little bit and stored it into his robe. It’s starting to sound more like Ezekiel was taking orders from his own crazy head that he was from god. Because keep in mind, this didn’t solve anything. Jerusalem was still destroyed.
God rambled on for a while and talked about how much he was gonna fuck up their people though disease and famine and everything horrible. He left the city to go up to the hills and let everyone up there know that they were fucked, too. Then he went back to the city and announced that the end was here. Babylon’s army was gonna come fuck them all up and disease and famine were already taking their toll on the city.
Then he found out that people were worshipping statues in his god’s temple that weren’t his god. So he killed all of them. Again, this accomplished nothing. He actually watched god’s presence leave the fucking temple right before his own eyes. All this bad news that he was spreading around town kind of started to wear down on him and he freaked out to god, “Are you just gonna wipe Israel from the face of the fucking earth forever?” God was like, “Nah. Not forever. But definitely for a while.”
Then Ezekiel started a daily routine of packing his shit, making his exit like he was going into exile, digging a hole under the wall of the city, and coming back. Also, he covered his face so he couldn’t see the land for some reason. When people asked him what he was doing he said it was a warning to everyone that they were all going to go into exile. So everyone freaked out and killed the false prophets and all the people who worshipped gods that were more laid back than jehovah. And it didn’t matter. Judgement day was inevitable.
It’s worth noting, that a lot of Christians today use this book and Isaiah as prophecies of what’s going to happen to America when we legalize whatever sinful thing they’re protesting this week. But these books are not about that. They’re about the imminent destruction of Jerusalem. Which we know already fucking happened, especially because this is like the 6th or 7th book that’s talked about it.
Anyways, Ezekiel kept calling Judah and Israel unfaithful wives for a while. Then he told a story about an eagle that planted a vine and then a different bigger eagle came and uprooted it. It was an allegory. But not a very good one.
Ezekiel then mentioned that every fucking sinner was going to die a horrible death. He also says that god changed his mind on how this whole thing works. See, it used to be that if a father sinned, his whole family was fucked. After hundreds of years of doing things this way, god all of a sudden changed his tune and said, “All souls belong to me, the father and the son.” So a list of ways to not fuck up were listed as such:
Eat only the food that Moses said was okay to eat, and don’t eat any of the shit offered up to ANY god.
Don’t worship statues and shit.
Don’t fuck your neighbor’s wife and don’t fuck any woman while she’s bleeding.
Don’t oppress anyone and whatever someone gives you as collateral for a loan, give it back when they pay you back.
Don’t rob people.
DO feed the poor and clothe people that are wandering around naked against their own will.
Don’t charge ridiculous interest rates.
Don’t take part in anyone else doing fucked up shit. Follow this shit and your fine.
Also don’t kill anyone unless I tell you to.
Then he says if you have a kid who does any of this shit, you’re fucked because you’re a shitty father. But if the son of a man who does shit like this chooses not to, then he’s fine. Then he goes into a long rant about how fucked everyone is and how their whole nation is about to be destroyed. It literally goes on for pages and pages listing every different city and nation that Babylon is going to fuck up and all for the same reason. Then his wife dies. Apparently he was fucking married this entire time and this is the first time it’s been mentioned. He was so bummed that he went right back into listing cities that were going to be destroyed and why.
After what seemed like forever, he finally starts talking about the more distant future. He talks about how Jerusalem will be rebuilt and gives all the details on everything. He lists the exact measurements and locations in case everything should be rebuilt by people reading his texts only. Then it ends with him telling people to rename the city, “Shinar” which means, “The Lord Is There.” Nobody calls it that.
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