Hosea (Hosea and his Unfaithful Wife, Gomer)

Hosea takes place back at the end of Jerusalem again. Because there is no shortage of stories around this time. Apparently Hosea was just hanging out one day and god came down and said, “Hosea. Go marry a loose woman. One that will totally cheat on you all the time. Do this because I’m mad at all of you. And I’m going to prove a point that can only be proven through your broken heart and suffering.”

So Hosea went and married this lady named Gomer. Her name was actually Gomer and I think that’s funny. I doubt he told her that he was only marrying her because she had an ill reputation about town, but I think it would be funny if he did. Anyways, they had a son. God said, “Name your son Jezreel. Because I’m going to fuck up a lot of you in the valley of Jezreel and I want your kid to be named that for some reason.” Then Gomer had a daughter and god said, “Name her Lo Ruhama. Because I fucking hate all of you.” Then Gomer had another son and god said, “Name him Lo Ammi. That means ‘Not My People’. Because you are not my fucking people anymore. And I’m no longer your god.” I don’t know why Hosea went through with all of this. But imagine growing up with a name like, “Not My People.” Also, what a weird fucking way to get your point across. This book is weird.

Then it gets confusing. Either Hosea’s talking about his cheating wife, Gomer or god’s talking about Israel or both. But it says, “Rebuke your mother cuz she sucks. Let her remove that adulterous look from her stupid face and the unfaithfulness between her boobs. Otherwise I will strip her naked and dump her ass in the fucking desert. Then she’ll go find all these guys that she totally banged in exchange for food and water and basic necessities, but she won’t be able to find them. So she’ll return to her husband.” So, if it’s Hosea talking about Gomer, Hosea was a pretty shitty husband. Because Gomer wasn’t out fucking for riches or pleasure, she was fucking people to get food, water, and clothing. Things that Hosea apparently couldn’t provide for, or just wouldn’t. If it was god talking about Israel, then same shit. If god can’t provide basic necessities for living, he’s a pretty shitty god and there’s no fucking reason to follow him.

Well god told Hosea to take his cheating wife back as a metaphor for how he’s totally willing to take Israel back. So Hosea tracked Gomer down and paid her pimp 15 shekels for her. Then he said, “I bought you! So no more whoring for at least a little bit.” 

Then god rambled on for a while making the same threats against Israel he’d been making for quite some time. Then he says that he’ll take them back the same way Hosea took Gomer back.