Micah was from a place called Moresheth. He was a prophet during Hezekiah’s rule. Hezekiah you might remember being one of those kings who didn’t really do a whole lot. Micah had a lot to say about the future. And since a lot of what he predicted came true, they included his writings in the Bible. Had they not, you wouldn’t be reading this right now.
Anyways, Micah was convinced that Samaria and Jerusalem were on a crash course to fucked-ville. He was like, “Yo. Ya’ll have been sinning your asses off and that’s pissing god off. He’s gonna fuck up your land and break all your idols. Because of this I’m sad. I’m going to howl like a jackal and moan like an owl. I’m not sure why I’m going to do this, but believe me, I’m fucking going to. Also I’m not going to wear shoes anymore.”
Then he lists all the places that are going to get fucked up and how. Then he makes a warning to greedy people, “All you fuck-Os that covet fields and take them and screw people out of their rightful inheritance, god’s fucking you up. You will lose everything you have because god hates you because you’re an asshole.”
Then he gets kind of personal talking about all the other prophets who are telling him to lighten up. He tells them all to go fuck themselves. He says, “Yeah, some prophets will just come and say, ‘Yeah, you’re future is bright and you’ll have a lot of wine and beer.’ Fuck these prophets. They’re fucking making shit up, because that’s what they think you wanna hear. I’m telling you the fucking truth. So fuck you.”
He does make a promise, though, that all of the cool honest people will be totally okay throughout the destruction and chaos. I’m not entirely convinced that this happened. Then he talks shit on all the leaders and prophets about how they should’ve done more to prevent this shit from happening.
He makes another promise that everyone who’s totally cool and good will live on a special mountain that god picked out and have his own fig tree and vine and nobody will scare them. Ever. Also, eventually everyone who’s cool will be able to return to Jerusalem eventually. I’m also not convinced that that happened either.
But he was very sure that the Assyrian empire was about to fuck everyone’s shit up. And the Assyrians were very good about fucking everyone’s shit up. He says that the descendants of Nimrod, Jacob, and apparently 5 other guys will stand up to the Assyrians. Which is weird because Nimrod was the founder of Ninevah which was the capital of Assyria. But god will definitely fuck with a bunch of people.
God will definitely fuck up Israel because they’ve been pissing him off. And he will make goddamn sure that they’ll be miserable for a long time. But eventually he’ll give them their country back.
The book ends with him praising god for being so forgiving. I’m not quite sure where he got that idea from.
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