Bible Abridged

Bible Abridged

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Zechariah (Zechariah Rebuilds the Temple)

Zechariah takes place like a week after the book of Haggai ended. 

It starts with Zechariah telling everyone to go back to the original jewish ways and stop pissing god off. Then four months pass and he tells everyone about this dream he had.
 “I saw a guy riding a red horse. He was hanging out by some myrtle trees and there were some other horses that were red and white!” 

Instead of the whole crowd unanimously deciding that this was a really boring conversation, they egged him on to explain more. 

“I asked god, ‘What’s this shit all about?’ and god sent an angel to say, ‘hold on. I’ll show you eventually.’”

I don’t understand why he included that part, but whatever. 

He continued, “The guy explained that this was how my mind understands that god is angry, but he’ll totally make sure we multiply and prosper.” 

Then he rambled on about a bunch of other boring dreams he had like craftsmen and horns, some guy measuring jerusalem, Joshua demanding that priests wear clean robes and turban, a gold lamp stand, a flying scroll, a woman living in a basket that got carried away by angels because she was a loose woman, and four chariots. Somehow all of these dreams were god’s way of telling him to rebuild the temple. 

A few years passed and he was starting to make plans to rebuild, but wasn’t quite sure the exact measurements. Luckily he decided to not eat for a while and this made god happy. Then a bunch of people came who knew what they were talking about and helped him with the planning. Then god said, “Hey! Don’t just fast for yourself. Fast for me. Also when you eat. Make sure you’re thinking of me, too. I just get so insecure and I just want to know that I’m on your mind, okay?”

After this weird little outburst, god promised he’d make everyone happy and secure. And he super promised that he’d keep Jerusalem safe forever. This was a promise that he didn’t keep. 

God also promised that anyone who stood against Jerusalem would definitely fucking die. Things were really starting to sound like they were getting back to the good old days. 


Then Zechariah said he was going to make a fountain so that everyone can wash themselves before entering the temple. He also promised to banish all memory of the other gods and idols that people worshipped, so that people would only have the option of worshipping Jehovah. This definitely didn’t work because they mention other gods in like every fucking book in the Bible. Zechariah predicted a bunch of stuff and casually ends his book saying that no Canaanite’s were allowed in the temple. Because he hated Canaanites.

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