Apparently, god got over his jealousy of the golden calf situation and he came on back to kick it with Moses and the rest of the tribe. He approached Moses and was like, "Hey. So I’ve been thinking… And I have a lot of really ridiculous things i need you to do all the time now."
“First things first, animal sacrifice is going to be frequent as hell. When you sacrifice a cow, make sure you spill its blood on all four sides of the altar. Make sure you skin it and wash it. I love the smell of burning flesh.
When you sacrifice a lamb or a goat, make sure it’s a male and not a gimp. You try giving me a gimp and I will fucking send it right back. Wash that shit, like i said. I love the smell of burning flesh.
If you sacrifice a bird, cut it’s throat and make it bleed all over one side of the altar. Tear it open but keep it in one piece. I love the smell of burning animals. I really can’t stress that enough. Kill a lot and often because i need you to to make me happy.”
“If you wanna give me grain, that’s fine. I just don’t want any yeast in it and also make sure it’s seasoned and olive oiled and covered in the right kind of incense. Otherwise I don’t fucking want it. “
“If one person sins or if all of you sin, check jt out, I want you to take a bull. A fucking bull, one of the meanest animals in the animal kingdom. I want you to cut out its liver and kidneys and all the fat around its dick. I want you to burn it for me and everyone there’s gotta touch his head before you burn it. It’s gotta be a perfect bull, too. No fucking gimpy defective bulls. And, you know what, a lamb would work, too. That might be easier.”
“If anyone sins on accident, like not testifying against someone else’s sins or touching anything “unclean.” which i’ll get into later. Kill a female goat or lamb. Or two doves. Yes, doves, the symbol of peace. Kill two of them. Burn them. I love that shit.”
“Also, if you feel guilty for whatever reason. Even if you don’t know if what you did was wrong, just to be safe, kill a ram. Do all that shit. burn it. I love watching you guys kill innocent animals for me.”
“Also, burn fucking everything all the time, and make sure you include my favorite incense… or fucking else.”
So, apparently Aaron’s two sons didn’t understand what kind of incense to use, so they burned the wrong kind. God was very understanding… just kidding… he fucking killed them right where they stood.
God continued.
“Got all that? Cuz now i’m gonna tell you fuckers how to eat.”
“A good rule of thumb is to only eat livestock with a split hoof and chews cud.”
“Eat cows and lambs cuz they fit both of these descriptions. But don’t you goddamn dare eat a camel, a pig, a rabbit, or a coney. Even though coney’s and rabbits are the same thing.”
“When you eat food out of water make sure it has fins and scales. Don’t eat snails like french people, don’t eat lobster or crab because you’re not going to find any out here in the desert. Don’t eat crawdads or clams. Just fish. I should’ve just said only eat fish.”
“For birds don’t eat vultures, eagles, ravens, herons, hawks, crows, storks, owls, and bats.”
“But god,” Moses said, “bat’s aren’t even birds.”
“Shut up” said god.
“Anyways, “ continued god. “You can eat locusts, crickets, and grasshoppers. But no other winged animal with 4 legs.”
“All of those have six legs” said Moses.
“Shut the fuck up and let me finish!” said god
“Weasels, rats, wall lizards, chameleons, skinks, great lizards, and geckos are no good.”
“If anyone touches any of these things, they’re unclean until dawn. Make them wash their clothes and of course… kill an animal and burn it because i love that shit. “
“And now to childbirth. The first seven days after a woman gives birth send em out away from everyone because they’re unclean. On the 8th day, bring the baby back here and if it’s a boy, chop part of his dick off. After 33 days the woman can come back. When a woman’s having her period, send her ass out for 7 days. When she comes back, tell her to kill a bird and burn it for me. I love that shit.”
“Also, if anyone has a skin disease or a rash that turns their hair or skin white. They’re fucking unclean. Bring him to a priest. If the priest decides it’s bad enough, because apparently priests are also doctors, he’ll send him into exile. Otherwise he’ll be shaved clean. All of his clothes burned and he’s gotta burn a lamb with olive oil and incense. If any of your clothes get mildewy, burn them. And kill an animal just for good measure.”
“If anyone has any suspicious discharge coming out of their dick, they’re unclean. Don’t let them fuck you or touch any of your stuff. Because they’re gross. On the subject, when your wife is having her period and you decide to fuck her instead of temporarily exiling her. You’re unclean. Also, this should go without saying, but anything you spill your cum on is unclean.”
“Oh, and tell Aaron to stop coming to my tent for atonement whenever he feels like. Pick a day for him to do that shit. I’m fucking busy and ever since I killed his sons, he’s been really confessy lately. I don’t get it.”
“I already mentioned this, but don’t eat blood. Buy special salt that will soak the blood out of your food. If you can’t find this salt, cut your food’s throat and let all the blood drain out before you eat it. Also, don’t eat dead shit you find just laying around. If you do, you have to go through the whole unclean ritual and if you don’t… well I think you know what the fuck I’ll do.”
“Also, incest is all of a sudden not okay. Before it was fine and I allowed that shit, hell I even encouraged it. Now it’s not okay. If you fuck your mom, you’re dishonoring your father.”
“Don’t fuck your sister or your stepmom or your stepsister or your aunt or whoever. Just leave them alone.”
“Don’t fuck your daughters and don’t fuck your daughters in law. Don’t fuck your sister in law either. Don’t fuck a mom and daughter combo. Pick one. Don’t marry sisters. If you need to have more than one wife, make sure they’re not sisters. Trust me on this. You don’t want this.”
“Don’t sacrifice your children to this other god Molech. I’ve never mentioned him before and i never will again. So just don’t do it. Also, don’t fuck any of your kids. Please.”
“Don’t fuck a man the same way you would a woman. Do it differently, otherwise it's detestable and you'll be put to death.”
“Don’t fuck animals.”
“All of these things happened here before and I decided that they were gross. So don’t do them.”
“Don’t eat the animals you sacrifice for me, don’t harvest the edges of your crops, don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t deceive people. Don’t say, ‘I swear to god’ if you’re lying, Don’t rob your neighbors, pay motherfuckers what you promised to pay them”
“Judge everyone as equals. Don’t favor the rich or poor.”
“Don’t mix animal breeds together, don’t mix seeds together in your fields, don’t mix different kinds of string together when you make clothing”
“When you fuck someone else’s slave whom they wanted to fuck. That’s fine, you just gotta burn a ram.”
“When you plant a new tree, don’t eat any of the fruit for four years.”
“Don’t ever cut any of your hair. Fucking ever. Don’t give yourselves tattoos, either. They’re tacky.”
“Don’t sell your daughter into prostitution. If you do, you’re a dick and pretty soon everyone else will inexplicably turn into a prostitute.”
“Use honest scales.”
If you don’t obey all of these rules, I’ll either fucking kill you or make your wife barren. Fucking try me.
“I’ve also got some specific rules for priests. Priests are only allowed to marry virgins. Anyone else can marry whoever the fuck they want. But priests can only marry virgins.”
“Priests daughters can’t be sex workers. If they are. Fucking burn them alive.”
“Priests aren’t ever allowed to be near a dead body. Ever.”
“No man with any defect may come near me. I am the lord and I don’t want any lames, cripples, dwarves, people with deformed hands, hunchbacks, festering sores, or men with damaged testicles. Straight up. All these people are gross. Keep them the fuck away from me.”
“Priests are allowed to eat the meat of the animals that are sacrificed to me. Their families and slaves are allowed to also.”
“Make sure you sacrifice animals to me right. I think we’ve established very well what I will do if you don’t.”
“So now I have some good news! We’ll have a lot of celebrations!”
“The first of which is the Sabbath! Every Saturday we’ll celebrate by not being able to do fucking anything. You sit inside your tent and you fucking pray for an entire day.”
“The second of which is the Firstfruits! When you harvest your food, you get to eat it and drink the wine you made! But only after you give me 1/4 of everything. Don’t even dare touching that shit until I’ve had my cut.”
“Third, there’s the Feast of Weeks! The Sunday after the seventh Sabbath of the year, you get to party hard. But only after you burn a bunch of lambs and goats for me.”
“Fourth, on the first day of the seventh month. Blow a trumpet and take the day off. Also, kill an animal for me.”
“Then comes number five. The Day of Atonement. My favorite. On the 10th day of the seventh month everyone needs to make a sin sacrifice and spend the entire day as if it was the Sabbath.”
“Sixth and last but not least is the Festival of Tabernacles. On the 15th day of the seventh month, eat fruit and praise me! Praise me for seven fucking days! Hooray me!”
“When you finally get to the land of milk and honey. Spend six years building that shit up and take an entire year just to hang out. Hang out, burn animals, and praise my name. For an entire year.”
“If you do all of this shit. Exactly how I said, you’ll have enough food and be healthy.”
“if you fuck up…I will bring disease and turmoil. None of the shit you plant will get eaten, everyone else will eat it. I’ll make the sky like iron and the earth like bronze. I don’t know what that means, but you won’t like it. If you complain at all about me fucking with you, I will make it seven times worse because I like the number seven. I will fucking curse everywhere you go and cities will crumble. You’ll eat your fucking kids, and your bodies will be piled up and totally fucked with by everyone. Don’t even fuck with me.
And also, from now on make everyone gives the priests the top ten percent of everything they own.”
The people were like, “Are you sure god added that last part about giving you guys ten percent of our stuff?”
The priests were like…”Yeah. He sure did. God said it, not us. So you’d better do it…”
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