Ruth (Ruth)

Apparently after the horrible incident that took place at the end of the book of Judges, the Israelites still hadn’t gotten themselves a king. The judges still ruled over everyone and the tribes weren’t exactly getting along. There was also a famine in Judah, which was fucking everything up. This lady Naomi moved to the country of Moab with her husband and two sons. The two sons married a couple of Moabite women and god was strangely okay with this as opposed to every other time prior to this the Israelites had married outside the 12 tribes.

 Every male died, so Naomi was stuck with her two daughter in laws. One of them was named Ruth. Ruth and her sister were native Moabites who converted to Judaism. After all the men died Naomi tried to convince the Ruth and her sister to go home to their mothers and they were like, “Nah. We’re Israelites now. So we’re gonna follow you around.” Naomi eventually decided that this was cool and they all went to Bethlehem together. Some people there knew Naomi and when they said, “Hi Naomi” She was like, “Don’t call me Naomi. Call me Bitter. My name is bitter now, because everyone I care about died.” Nobody called her that. They kept calling her Naomi. 

Apparently Naomi had a relative named Boaz that owned a grain field. Ruth was working in it one day and Boaz was checking her body out. He was like, “Whose property is that young lady?” The guy who was running shit was like, “That’s Ruth. Ruth is wandering around with Naomi.” Boaz decided to start giving her special treatment for hanging out with Naomi. He gave a very stern Do Not Rape Ruth talking to to all the men working, and told the women not be mean to her. Naomi told Ruth to stick with Boaz because this was apparently very rare for the time. 

One day Naomi was like, “I have a great idea on how to get yourself some stability. Get all dolled up and stalk Boaz tonight as he parties. When he falls asleep, curl up next to his feet like a dog.” Ruth was like, “I’ll apparently do whatever you say.” So Ruth stalked Boaz all night. When Boaz woke up to a sleeping woman at his feet he was like, “What the fuck?” Ruth said, “It’s me, Ruth!” Boaz was like, “I like you, technically speaking we’re totally family, though. But, I don’t care if you don’t. We’re not blood related, so fuck it. Anyways, keep sleeping on my feet and bring back 22 liters of barley for Naomi.”

Naomi counted this as a win. Boaz eventually married Ruth and took over Naomi’s land and traded his sandal with a kinsman-redeemer. That last part is super important in actually no way. Anyways, Ruth and Boaz had a kid and that kid was David’s grandfather.