Isaiah (Isaiah's Predictions)

Isaiah was a prophet who lived through the course of four different kings. He apparently foresaw the fall of Israel and Judah as independent states. and he was right to do so because the Persians totally took that shit over as we’ve already learned. I don’t know why they included a book of predictions after the documentation of those things happening, but a lot of this book doesn’t make any sense to me.

He starts out saying that Israel has lost their idea of who’s in charge, unlike a donkey who totally knows his master. Which is not always the case. He lets everyone know that the whole reason that god hasn’t wiped the whole fucking country off the map is because him and a few others slaughter animals and set them on fire, for god. He mentions that everything their doing for their other gods is pissing god off, because he’s totally jealous. As we’ve covered before.

He says “woe” to a shitload of people. And keeps on guaranteeing that god is gonna come fuck these two countries up. He mentions that the Assyrian army is going to fuck them up at some point, which totally happened. So good for you, Isaiah. 

He briefly predicts the birth of Jesus, but then goes back into talking about Israel being completely annihilated. Then mentions that the Assyrians will also get fucked up, which totally happened. Then he mentions that the few loyal Israelites will totally enslave the Assyrians. Which may or may not have happened. 

But one day. A certain tree will grow and the world will be a peaceful place. So peaceful that wolves and sheep will hang out and so will babies and cobras. Also, Lions will start eating straw for some reason. This has not happened. Nor will it. Ever. So fuck you for even mentioning that it could, Isaiah. 

He also says that god will dry up a lot of the water in the middle east and there’ll be peace and trade. That… is just plain never going to fucking happen. 

He then predicts the fall of Babylon as we know now totally happened. And holy shit does he go into detail here. The moon and sun will stop giving light, babies will be sliced up for no reason as other people rape all the women. Hyenas and Jackals will take over the fanciest of houses. But for some reason, all the descendants of Jacob will be fine through all of this. I don’t know how you can be “fine” while babies are being sliced up and the sun and moon just plain stop working, but whatever.

He also goes through all the other kingdoms that will totally collapse: The Philistines, Moab, Damascus, Cush, Egypt, then Egypt and Cush, then Babylon again, and eventually back to Jerusalem. Jerusalem will apparently be partying so hard, that they won’t notice they’re being raided and destroyed. I have never partied that hard. Ever. 

Then he talks about Tyre being destroyed and then the whole fucking world. Tyre totally happened. The whole world is still fine, though. For now. After all this he sings god’s praises like a lunatic for a while, then mentions that at some point god will kill the Leviathon and that will save Israel. The Leviathon as we remember from Job is a giant sea creature with iron shields for scales and breathed fire. As far as we can tell, this never existed.

Then Isaiah just starts predicting more destruction of pretty much every place he’s ever heard of. I’m kind of surprised who ever was taking notes kept writing this down, because it gets really fucking redundant. Of course, eventually a righteous and perfect king will arise and everything will be happy for a while. But then it will all fall to fire and fucking brimstone again. 

Now at chapter 36, we jump into story mode for a little bit. Back when Sennacherib threatened Hezekiah. Isaiah told him not to worry. And that god would totally keep Jerusalem safe. This was a weird optimistic view point from someone who liked to only discuss destruction of nations and baby killing. Sure enough, Sennacherib died and Jerusalem remained… for a while.

Then Hezekiah pissed god off and Isaiah was the one to let him know that he was going to fucking die. Hezekiah showed the Babylonians all his treasure and Isaiah let him know that it was gonna get taken. Hezekiah was strangely okay with this and said, “God is good. There will be peace and security in my lifetime.” The wasn’t.

Then it goes back into Isaiah’s rants about how amazing god is. Apparently he’s pretty amazing. Then he predicts again that Israel will fall to Babylon, which happened, that Babylon will fall too. Which happened. And that sometime in the deep future Israel will be it’s own country again. Which very recently happened, but I call that more of a self fulfilling prophecy. 

He rambles on about Zion for a while and, after 66 chapters, says, “One day the whole fucking world will bow down to our god.” This was quite the prediction, because at the time, they were maybe 7 million. They were a tiny state with no knowledge of Australia, Asia, Russia, most of Europe, Oceans, The Americas, snow, ice, Whales, Condors, or white people.  But goddamn. Between Muslims, Catholics, Jews, and other Christians. Literally two thirds of the world at least pays lip service to “The god of Abraham”