Moses died and god came down to Joshua and said, “Well now that Moses is finally dead after living four times the average lifespan of this era, I can finally let you guys across the Jordan River into the Promised Land. But you’d better follow all of my rules and get everyone else to, also. Otherwise I’ll fucking ruin you.”
So Joshua was totally stoked and ready to take over Jericho. He was like, “We’re ready to take over this city! Women and children (Side Note: children are kids aged 1-12, 13 was the age of adulthood) in the back of this crowd! We’re gonna go and fuck these people up and take their land! Also, you fucking Reubenites and Manassah half-breeds are in front. Fuck you.”
Before Joshua decided to go fuck with Jericho, he thought he’d send in a couple spies. The spies got in and decided to go hang out with a prostitute named Rahab, because spying is hard and prostitutes are awesome. The king of the city of Jericho (apparently cities had kings back then) summoned Rahab and said, “Yo. Bring me those two Israelites spies you were hanging out with earlier. I’m gonna fucking kill them with my sword.” But Rahab was like, “Oh shit, those guys were Israelite spies? I thought they were just two weirdly dressed regular dudes. I banged em both and sent them on their way. If you go chase them, I’m sure you’ll catch them.” They were totally hanging out on the roof.
So the king sent some men to go chase after the spies and Rahab went up to the roof and was like, “I have decided to let you guys destroy my home city and all of my clientele and friends. Just don’t kill me or my family. Now get the fuck out of here before someone catches you.” They were like, “Tie this scarlet rope around your window and we won’t kill anyone inside this house.” She replied, “How the fuck do i tie something around a window.” “Figure it out” they said.
The spies ran back to Joshua and were like, “Dude, this whole fucking city is terrified of us. Let’s fucking kill all of them, except this cool whore we met. We like her.”
So Joshua and company left Shittim (which is among the worst possible names for cities i’ve ever heard) and went to cross the Jordan river. Joshua put the Ark of the Covenant (that weird gold plated box moses threw together on a whim) and put it and its pallbearers in front. Like super in front. 2000 cubits in front (which is like 3000 feet or 900 meters.) They walked casually to the edge of the Jordan River and the priest carrying the Ark walked right on in. The water just fucking stopped. Just like the Red Sea, the Jordan river became dry as land. After everyone crossed and the priests walked out the river, it started flowing again.
Apparently word of the Jordan River stopping for the Israelites spread around and all the Amorite kings and Canaanite kings got really scared. They were like, “I don’t even wanna fuck with these guys. They’re fucking terrifying.” God saw this and it made him happy. Because fear makes god happy.
God turned to Joshua and said, (and this is a direct quote), “make flint knives and circumsize the Israelites again.” A-fucking-gain. Ouch. Apparently not everyone had been circumsized, but jesus. Grown men were getting foreskins chopped off and god was happy. They hung out until their dicks stopped bleeding and went to Gilgal and celebrated passover.
God decided it was time to go fuck up Jericho and Joshua marched on with his tribe. They ran into some random guy and Joshua was like, “Are you with us or against us?” The guy was like, “Neither. I’m the leader of god’s army. Apparently he’s too busy nitpicking every little thing you guys do, so he put me in charge. Anyways, take off your shoes cuz you’re on hallowed ground.” Joshua took off his shoes and then god came down and said, “You guys won’t be able to fuck up Jericho on your own. Instead just walk around it a bunch. For six days, march around the city with your army of 40,000 men and on the seventh day, instead of resting like i demanded upon penalty of death, march around seven times. Have your priests blow their horns and have everyone yell. The city will fucking collapse.”
Joshua decided that this was a decent enough attack plan and grabbed his army and the Ark and got to walking around the city for a week. Nobody in the army said anything the whole time, just priests blowing ram horns and people marching. Sure enough on the seventh day, after walking around seven times because god loves the number 7. They all yelled and the fucking impenetrable walls just collapsed. Just like that. Joshua and his army went in and killed every man, woman, child, and animal inside the city. Except that cool prostitute named Rahab and everyone inside her house. Joshua announced to no one in particular, “If anyone tries to rebuild this city, god will fuck his whole life up. If he rebuilds the foundation, god will kill his oldest son. if he rebuilds the gate, god will kill his fucking youngest son. He’ll be fine, though.”
Keep in mind, Jericho’s only sin (as far as we can tell) was being in the Israelites’ way. Also, they allowed prostitution, but keep in mind the prostitute was one of the very very few to survive. So god was on a blood tangent again. On top of this, all of the spoils of war that they didn’t destroy were supposed to go right into the hands of the priests. A few soldiers held on to them and this pissed god off. Since god was pissed off at a few people, he decided to punish a bunch of other separate people.
He demanded that Joshua go fuck up the city of Ai. According to his spies, Ai was pretty weak and could have been taken by 3000 men, but when they attacked a few dozen of them were killed and the whole army freaked out and retreated. Joshua couldn’t figure out what the fuck. So he tore his clothes and flopped his body on the ground like a lunatic. Everyone else followed suit and Joshua was like, “God. I totally thought we were gonna destroy Ai. Why the hell didn’t we?” God was like, “Cuz a few dipshits kept a few spoils for themselves. Find out who they are and throw rocks at them until they die.” Joshua asked everyone if they took anything and this guy Achan admitted to taking a robe and some valuables. Joshua said, “I appreciate your honesty. Now we’re gonna throw fucking rocks at you until you die.” They did and god was pleased.
He was so pleased that he decided to make everyone re-attack the city they had just lost to. Joshua decided to set up and ambush and draw the army of Ai outside the walls to chase his 30,000 best men. The Israelites totally fucked up the army of Ai and killed all of them. Then they went into the city walls and killed all of them as well. All in total they killed 12,000 men and women. They left the king alive and took all the cattle. But then Joshua personally hung the king of Ai from a tree in front of everyone. His crime? Doesn’t really list one. God just fucking hated Ai. They burned Ai to the fucking ground and never spoke of it again.
Then they traveled about thirty miles north to Mount Ebal and Joshua recut the ten commandments. Then he repeated everything Moses had said.
Every kingdom around decided to make an alliance against the Israelites because they were fucking terrified.
A bunch of Gibeonites decided to dress themselves up as weary travelers. They approached Joshua and said, “We’re from a land far far away and we want to make a peace treaty with you.” Joshua said, “Okay. Where are you from?” “Far away.” they replied. (Side note: If people won’t tell you where they’re from and just say ‘far away’, they’re lying. Also, what a shitty deception. They didn’t even bother making a name of a place up.) Joshua made a peace treaty and then found out that they were lying about being from far away. He was in quite the pickle. He wanted to kill them, because he was on a good streak with killing lately, but he couldn’t break his oath! So he made them the slaves of the Israelites.
So the large united kingdoms (including Adoni-Zedeck king of jerusalem) heard about the Gibeonites chickening out on attacking the Israelites and said, “Let’s all five of us go fucking kill them.” Since the Gibeonites were now the slaves of the Israelites, Joshua threw them some of his protection. The Israelites slaughtered the 5 city army and whoever they didn’t kill, god killed with hailstones.
After they killed everyone, Joshua said, “God, make the sun sit still.” God didn’t feel like explaining to Joshua how the solar system actually works and that the sun is in the center so what he actually wanted to do was make the world stop turning which would totally fuck everything up and Joshua would regret ever saying anything that fucking stupid, so he humored him and made the sun stand still for a while. Joshua said, “Check this out. God listens to me when I ask for ridiculous things. He’s on our side.”
Joshua had the 5 kings stuck in a cave. He pulled them out, beat the to death, hung them until sunset, and threw them back into the cave. Then they attacked every city south of Gilgal and killed everyone, then they attacked every city of north of Gilgal and killed everyone. I’m fucking serious about everyone, too. They left no survivors. At the end of their reign of terror, they had completely annihilated 31 cities and killed 31 kings. I’m not going to list them, but the Bible does.
So here we fast forward a bit until Joshua is super old. God said, “Hey Joshua. You’re old as shit, but I want you to kill a fuckload more people.” They then divided up the land which they had and the land they had not yet taken for themselves between each tribe. These are the current lands of Israel, Gaza, and Palestine. How far we’ve come.
Before Joshua died he warned everyone, “Don’t worship other gods. Or our god will fucking kill you.” Joshua made everyone super swear to god next to a giant rock and said, “Check it. this rock totally heard you. So don’t be fucking around now.” They were all like, “We won’t.” Joshua died and they buried him. Then they buried Joseph’s mummy, which they had been carrying around this whole time in the land that Jacob had previously owned. I’m not sure how they were sure it was the exact land because over 500 years had passed, but they were pretty sure.
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