So, after Abraham convinced god not to kill Lot and most of his family, Abraham and Sarah went to a new place called Gerar. He was worried that people might want to kill him and rape Sarah so he decided to tell everyone that she was his sister instead of his wife. This doesn’t make any sense, but whatever. I doubt anyone would be trying to rape a 90 year old Sarah especially if they had to murder her husband to do it. So anyone with rational thought can probably guess what happened next, which was the king of Gerar, named Abimelech, saw this smoking hot 90 year old and decided he wanted to fuck her. Abraham had no reason to object to this because apparently the idea of consent hadn’t been thought up yet. Luckily, god came down to Abimelech and was like, “Hey! You can’t fuck that old lady! She’s totally married to Abraham! And because you almost did this horrible thing I’m gonna make all your slaves and wives barren.” Abimelech was like, “Oh fuck! Here. I’ll give Abraham a bunch of cows and female slaves to make up for this misunderstanding. Also, what a dick. He said she was his sister.” Abimelech gave Abraham a bunch of slaves and cows and apologized for trying to bang his wife, and he asked him, “Why the fuck did you say this sexy old woman was your sister instead of your wife? I wouldn’t have tried to get up in her if I’d have known that!” Abraham was like, “I thought all you savages would kill me if you knew i had this lady on lock. Also, check this shit out. She totally is my half-sister. We share a dad and god is totally into that kind of shit apparently.” So once the misunderstanding was fixed up, Abimelech gave Sarah 1000 shekels of hush money and god fixed all the wombs of his remaining slaves and wife.
So then Sarah gave birth to Isaac (the father of the hebrew race) at the ripe old age of 91. Once she gave birth she started hating on Ishmael, her slave Hagar's son whom she demanded be made via non-consensual sex. She was like, “Fuck you Hagar and fuck your stupid half-breed son. Get the fuck out of our village.” Hagar was like, “Dude, I was totally gonna run away and decided against it because god told me not to.” Sarah said, “Nope. Fuck you and the small child that you’re taking care of. I hope you both die in the fucking desert.” Hagar pleaded with Abraham to let her stay and Abraham said, “Nope. Get the fuck out. Here’s a skin full of water. Good fucking luck.” So Hagar and Ishmael were exiled for literally no reason other than Sarah’s insanity and just before they died of dehydration, god came in a dream and said, “Hey. You’ve had a hard life so far. Thanks for being such a good sport. Just cause of this I’ll make Ishmael the father of the Arab race and your descendants will rule most of this shitty desert for thousands of years.” Then he gave them a well and saved their life. Apparently neither the descendants of Isaac or Ishmael have really gotten past this. Fuck you Sarah and fuck you Abraham.
So Abraham and Abimelech and a bunch of other warlords, kings, and tribal rulers made a treaty to let Abraham’s tribe stay in Beersheba. For the first time they had a place to raise their son Isaac and a place to store all their slaves and cows. Years passed and one day out of fucking nowhere god came down to Abraham and said, “Hey! Abraham! You around?” Abraham was like, “Yeah dude. What’s up” God said, “Oh nothing, just bored. Hey! Why don’t you go kill your fucking son on top of this altar?” Abraham was like, “Well that seems like a legitimate request.” Abraham took Isaac out to the killing field where they sacrificed lambs all the time because god loved shit like that back then. Slaughtering animals needlessly, rape, and incest were kind of the three big things back then. So after they got to the altar and chopped a bunch of wood for three days, Isaac was like, “Hey dad? I noticed you forgot a lamb to kill.” Abraham was like, “Ha. Funny story, I’m killing you. God told me to and now I’m gonna kill you on this altar.” Isaac was strangely okay with this and jumped right up on the altar instead of, i don’t know, running the fuck away from his crazy supercentenarian father. Right before Abraham could slice his son open like a lamb, god was like, “Hey! What the fuck you doing? Don’t do that!” Abraham was like, “Dude, you just fucking told me to.” God was like, “I was fucking with you. Can’t you take a joke?” Abraham and Isaac, I’m sure, had a good laugh.
So soon after that, Sarah died. Because people who are over 100 years old tend to do that in real life. God told Abraham, “Hey! So apparently up until now when someone dies, you’ve just been leaving their corpses around to rot. Stop doing that. From now on bury them in the ground.” So Abraham bought a field and buried his crazy wife who, let’s not forget, is responsible for more deaths worldwide than anyone else in history.
So Isaac met his wife Rebekah. She gave him and his camels water and he was like, “Hey. I think we’re married now.” She was like, “I guess that’s how this works.” Then Abraham also got remarried, had a shitload more kids and died at 175 years old. Isaac was now in charge of the tribe. Isaac knocked up Rebekah with twins. The first baby was hairy so they named his Esau, he was the firstborn son so he would get to inherit the tribe. The second baby came out literally holding onto the heel of Esau, so they named him Jacob. I don’t know why that’s important but it is. Later on in life Esau sold Jacob his birthright for some bread and water. Nobody told Isaac about this, so on his deathbed he was giving his blessing and Jacob put on a fur coat to look like Esau. Isaac blessed him thinking he was his firstborn, but he was totally the second born. When Esau actually showed up to get blessed, Isaac was like, “Oh fuck! I blessed your little brother and now i’m all out of blessings. I only had one apparently.”
So, Jacob became the head of the tribe because his dad gave him the blessing on accident and since he bought the birthright from his older brother. Jacob really got things going, implemented tithing (which means everyone gives 10% of their earnings to god. But if god wasn’t around the tribal leader would do) He took over a city and named it bethel and had a bunch of kids, had a bunch of wives, they had a bunch of kids. Judah was his firstborn, but eventually Joseph came around. Joseph was Jacob’s favorite kid. He would tell the other kids this constantly like an asshole and he even gave him a colorful robe. Between this and the fact that Joseph always had dreams that pissed his brothers off. He’d dream about them all bowing down to him and they were like, “Fuck this kid. I’m tired of hearing him talk about his stupid dreams. Let’s sell him into slavery.” I personally get annoyed with people telling me about their dreams, but I have never thought to myself, “Fuck that person. They deserve to be a slave now.” Anyways, Joseph got sold into slavery and got shipped down to Egypt and his brothers lied to their dad and told him that Joseph died, and their dad freaked out and started crying and screaming, “No! Not Joseph! He was my favorite kid! Way better than these shitty ones right in front of me right now!” More on that to come.
Meanwhile, Judah, the firstborn son, totally banged a prostitute in exchange for a donkey. He didn’t know who she was because she wore a veil, but at some point everyone wanted to murder his daughter-in-law for being a hooker and when he was about to join in she totally called him out for being one of her clients. He was like, “Oh shit let her go.”
Back to Joseph. Joseph was living a slaves life down in Egypt and he had this shitty slave master named Pot-if-er. Potifer liked Joseph because he was a good slave and started putting him in charge of other slaves. One day, Potifer’s smoking hot wife was like, “Hey Joseph. I totally wanna bang you.” Joseph was like, “No! we can’t bang. You’re my master’s wife.” I think this is the only time in recorded history that a slave would pass on the opportunity to bang his master’s wife. After she begged a lot and he kept refusing, she did what every Men’s Rights activist prays for to support their shitty cause. She falsely accused him of trying to rape her.
Potifer was like, “Fuck this dude! I treated him better than my other slaves, which isn’t great still. And he tries to rape my wife? I’m throwing his ass in prison.” Joseph got thrown into prison and everyone there loved him, which is a lot different treatment than sex offenders get now.
In prison he kept rambling on to everyone about his stupid dreams and the warden heard him and passed the information along that there was a guy who was into dreams in his prison. Word like this spread quickly somehow and one day two of Pharaoh’s assistants had dreams and they asked him what he thought. The first guys dream was that he was holding Pharaoh’s cup and the second guy had a dream that a bunch of birds ate his bread. Joseph was like, “For the first guy, you’re about to get promoted to ‘guy who holds Pharaoh’s cup’. Make sure you put in a good word for me. I’m in prison on false charges and my life totally sucks. Second guy, you’re gonna die in three days and birds are going to eat your flesh. Sorry man, you’ve got three days to live. Go live your life accordingly.” Sure enough, the one guy got promoted and the other one died.
Years later, Pharaoh had a fucked up dream and decided to tell his cup holder about it. His cup holder was stuck there holding his cup and forcing himself to listen until finally a lightbulb went on in his head, “Oh I know this guy in prison for rape. He’ll help you out.” Pharaoh was like, “Seems legit” and went down to the prison. He rambled on about his dream to Joseph and Joseph was like, “Um all that shit you’re saying. Just stop. Just stop it. I can’t interpret dreams. Just leave me alone.” Pharaoh was like, “If you tell me what my dream meant, I’ll give you my kingdom. You’ll be just under me” Joseph thought for a while from inside his prison cell and was like, “Word up. Your dream meant there’s gonna be a lot of good crops for 7 years and then 7 years of famine. I totally didn’t just make this up, god just told me.” So, Pharaoh, being completely satisfied with all of this decided that Joseph was now second in charge in Egypt. He let him out of prison and put him in charge of his palace and probably went back to all the weird shit pharaohs are known for doing as Joseph was started storing grain and shit for the famine that was gonna happen in 7 years. I’m not sure how you store grain in a way that makes it good for 14 years, but Joseph did, and that’s all that’s important here.
At some point during the famine, his 12 brothers, the ones that sold him into slavery for the crime of having a nice coat and being annoying, showed up in Cairo to see if they had any grain. Joseph recognized them, but they didn’t recognize him. He fucked with them a bunch and accused them of being spies. He kept speaking to them in whatever language they spoke in Egypt back then and they kept talking amongst themselves in Hebrew, which he totally understood. They decided to ramble on about their home life and how their little brother tragically died in an apparently well thought out plan to prove that they weren’t spies. Joseph was like, “Fuck you guys. You’re totally spies and the only way to prove that you’re not is to… I don’t know… lock one of you fuckers in jail and make the rest of you wander around the land looking for proof that you’re not spies… i don’t know… bring back the skeleton of your little brother. Otherwise I will fucking kill all of you” Joseph’s brothers were like, “Oh fuck. Well i guess we deserve this shit for selling our little brother into slavery. Karma’s a bitch.” Joseph changed his mind all of a sudden and sold them a bunch of grain. When he handed them the grain, he snuck all their money back into the bags.
They came back later and asked what the fuck was going on. Joseph said in Hebrew, “Check this shit out. I’m your little brother. The one you sold into slavery for talking about my dreams. Bow the fuck down.” And they did. They finally bowed to him, just like he dreamed when he was little. They begged him not to kill them and he said, “I already had my chance and I decided against it.” They went and got Jacob and told him and everyone lived in Egypt happily ever after. When Joseph died he got mummified like a boss. And that is the end of Genesis.
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