Samuel had his protege king Saul end up being a shitty king and Samuel decided that Saul had to go. He was super bummed about it for a while and god came down and said, “Samuel. Stop moping around the house like an asshole. I told you to appoint Saul and I was wrong. It’s not your fault. Now fill up a horn with a bunch of olive oil and go wander on down to Bethlehem.” Samuel was like, “Saul’s really mad right now. If he sees me, he’ll kill me.” God said, “Well take a cow with you and kill it with this guy, Jesse.” Saul decided that, even though this did nothing for his concerns about Saul wanting to kill him, he’d go slaughter this animal with a total stranger.
So when Samuel got to Bethlehem and met Jesse, he was like “Bring me all your sons.” Jesse did, and Samuel thought they were all dinguses. He was like, “Jesse, is this all you’ve got? All your sons are fucking lame-Os.” Jesse was like, “I’ve got one more son. He’s hanging out with the sheep. I guess when you said ALL your sons, I thought you meant SOME of my sons. Because I don’t know what words mean.” Samuel said, “Go get him! I won’t sit down until you do.” I’m not sure why he wouldn’t sit down, but apparently this made Jesse go grab his youngest son David post haste.
David came back to Samuel and Samuel was like, “This guy is very ruddy. I like him.” (Ruddy means that he was red faced. That’s the kind of thing you look for in a king, apparently.)
So Samuel dumped a horn full of olive oil on David’s head and god loves shit like that.
As this happened, Saul was having a bunch of psychotic breakdowns and freaking out and beating his servants. Nobody saw any of the warning signs of him not being a stable person when he, say, cut his own oxen up into little pieces as a warning to a guy who wasn’t there and never found out about it. But ,now that he was in a constant state of lunacy, his beaten servants were like, “Hey! How can we calm you the fuck down?” Saul said, “Find someone who plays calm music.” One of his servants had heard that David was a good musician and asked him to come play harp for Saul. So David came out on a donkey with an animal skin full of wine and some bread and played harp. Saul was like, “This guy pleases me. Fuck yeah, harp music.”
So David stayed and played hard for Saul and Saul had no idea that he had been drenched with olive oil by Samuel and was therefore the next king of Israel.
At the same time the Philistines had found themselves a champion of war named Goliath. He was fucking 9 feet tall and he was covered in Bronze armor. He led the Philistine army of to the border of Israel and screamed, “Come get some.” Nobody wanted to fuck with Goliath, so he made it super easy, “One on one with anyone! If you send a champion and he kills me, all of my men will be your slaves. If I win, though, all of you fucking Israelites will be my slaves. This way we can avoid an actual all out war.”
Saul, who was already shitty at war as we mentioned before, was fucking terrified. Every day for forty days, Goliath would do this. And every day for forty days, not a single Israelite took the challenge. One day Jesse sent David, who was apparently living back at home, up to the front lines to bring bread and wine for the troops. David heard Goliath talking shit and he was like, “Why the fuck isn’t anyone fucking this nimrod up?” All the troops were like, “Dude, anyone who can beat this motherfucker is guaranteed a shitload of money and power. But he’s fucking terrifying.”
David’s brother Eliab was on the front line and when he saw David, he was like, “What the fuck are you doing here? Go back and take care of our sheep.” David called Eliab a dick and went and talked to Saul. He told Saul that he was gonna fuck up Goliath and Saul made fun of him. David was like, “Dude, I’ve been a fucking sheep herder my whole life. I’ve killed bears and wolves with just a fucking rock. I can kill this hairy giant.” Saul, didn’t really care about David’s life in the first place, but he was worried that David would die and the Israelites would all be Philistine slaves. David sealed the deal when he was like, “I’m going to kill this guy. His penis looks different than mine because nobody chopped off his foreskin. That makes him less than human as far as I’m concerned and I think I need to go fucking kill him.” Saul dressed David up in his own armor and was like, “You’ll need these.” David laughed in Saul’s face and said, “No. I won’t.”
David took off Saul’s armor and went in his own plain clothes. He wandered down to the stream near the battle field and picked up five smooth stones. He had a staff, 5 stones, and a shepherds sling. A shepherds sling is a leather strap with a tiny pouch in it that can fling a 3 ounce stone about 137 feet per second and has a barely lethal amount of force upon impact. It’s about as powerful as a strong man with brass knuckles.
So David walked right the fuck up to Goliath with his staff and Goliath was like, “Lol. Who’s this dipshit? You think I’m some fucking stray dog that you can kill with a stick?” I think this comment says a lot about the kind of person Goliath was. A normal person would be like, “You can’t kill me with that stick, punk!” or “I’m going to fucking kill you with my giant spear because you came here with a fucking stick and no armor.” Goliath jumped right into talking about killing dogs with a stick because I bet that was a lot of how he had fun as a kid. What a jerk.
Anyways, Goliath told David that he was going to rot on the battlefield and that he was going to make slaves of the Israelites. David said, “No. You’re not. As a matter of fact, I’m going to kill you and everyone behind you. We don’t even want you as slaves. We just wanna watch the birds swoop down and eat your fucking rotten carcasses.” You might notice this is far more brutal and barbaric than Goliath’s offer, making David kind of the asshole here.
David walked casually up to Goliath and flung a fucking stone right into his glabella. (That’s the soft spot where your nose, eyes, and forehead meet.) Goliath started gushing blood out his eyes and nose and fucking fell to the ground and died. Even though this was supposed to be the end of the battle, all of the Israelites charged and slaughtered the Philistine army. They littered the roads with their corpses as a warning sign to anyone who wasn’t already sufficiently terrified of the Israelites already. David chopped off Goliath’s head and brought it to Saul alongside this dude Abner. David was like, “Check it. I’m Jesse’s youngest son and I just killed this fucking giant.”
Jonathon, Saul’s son, decided that him and David would be best friends. Jonathan gave David his bow and took off the clothing that he was fucking wearing and gave it to David right then and there. David was like, “Whoa. You just met me and you’re already naked. Let’s be best friends.” At the same time, everyone was dancing around outside singing, “Saul has killed thousands of people, but David’s killed tens of thousands of people! That’s a way bigger number and therefore David’s better.” Saul started getting really sick of hearing how much more of a coldhearted slaughter-machine David was than him, and started dwindling away into madness again.
Once again, God decided to fuck with free-will and sent an evil spirit into Saul’s mind. Saul would go find David while he was playing harp and try and stab him with his spear but David would get away. This happened nightly. Eventually Saul got tired of trying to kill him and just decided to make him a high-up military official instead. I think that’s a generally bad idea, but Saul was kind of an idiot. He also kept trying to give his daughters to David and David wasn’t having any of it. “Stop sending me your daughters you fucking weirdo. I’m just some fucking shepherd.” David would say.
Finally Saul decided to send David on a suicide mission. He told David, “Go and cut off 100 philistine foreskins and bring them back to me. Then you’ll marry one of my daughters that I keep trying to pawn off on you” David was like, “I don’t really wanna marry your daughter in the first place, but okay…” And he went off and killed 200 philistines and chopped off their foreskins, because David was an over achiever. So David and Saul’s daughter Michal got married.
After having David marry his daughter, Saul decided that he wanted to kill David anyways. Jonathan warned David and he was like, “What the fuck? What a dick.” Jonathan went to his dad and was like, “Stop trying to kill David.” Saul swore on his own life that he would never harm him.
Then again, god decided to fuck with free-will and made Saul crazy angry and violent for some reason. So Saul decided to go kill David with a spear. David had his wife, Michal tell Saul to fuck off as he made his escape. Then Saul went up to the hill in front of Samuel and got naked and tried to talk to god. Earlier it said that Saul and Samuel never talked again, but I can’t imagine all of this happening without even a small conversation breaking out.
So Saul had a big festival for the moon and David was scared to come on behalf of the whole Saul trying to kill him thing. Jonathan was like, “I’ll shoot some arrows into this field and my errand boy will go get them. Then he’ll say some shit about where the arrows are and you’ll know if it’s safe or not.” It wasn’t safe and Saul started freaking the fuck out on Jonathan for not selling out his best friend to die for no reason. So Jonathan sent David the message to get the fuck out of town.
David first went to Nob and asked a priest for a sword. The priest gave him Goliath’s sword which David had apparently just left on the battlefield and it had somehow ended up with this priest. The priest was like, “You’re a regular sized human, take this sword that was made for someone 4 feet taller than you.” David was like, “Fuck it. It’s perfect.”
So David went to Gath after that and heard people singing the familiar tune, “David has killed ten times more people than Saul, therefore we like him better.” So David decided to start acting like a lunatic and the king of Gath had his ass thrown out of town.
After trying a few more places, David eventually went into the woods and chilled there for a while. Saul, whom god had made insane for some reason, was tracking him and found his way to Nob. When he found out that one of the priests had given David Goliath’s sword (which was a logical move) he had every man, woman, child, donkey, cow, and sheep slaughtered. One guy named Abiathar escaped and sought refuge with David. He was like, “I’m scared of Saul, Can I stay with you?” David was like, “Yeah. I guess it’s my fault Saul killed everyone in your city. So I guess you can ride with me from now on.”
Apparently Abiathar had brought the Ephod with him when he escaped, which was like Philistine kryptonite, and David and Abiathar went and killed a shitload of Philistines together and saved the city of Keilah. Saul heard about this in the way that he only knew David was at Keilah and decided to go fucking kill him. God told David that all the men in Keilah, whom he had literally just saved, would totally sell him out to Saul, so he got the fuck out.
A bunch of more shit went down and eventually Saul stopped trying to kill David briefly because he had to go kill a bunch of Philistines. The tables got turned and David with his loyal men, found Saul asleep. David probably should have killed Saul here, who had spent a large amount of his time and resources trying to kill him for no reason, even going as far as slaughtering an entire innocent city that was under his own control. But David decided just to chop part of Saul’s clothing off as a way to say, “Look, asshole, I didn’t kill you. I could have. Now fuck off.”
David went outside Saul’s tent to be like, “See asshole. I could have killed you and I didn’t.” Saul came out and cried a bunch. David promised him he wouldn’t erase him from history. Although I think it would be to Saul’s benefit if he had.
Shortly after this, Samuel died and David had wandered into the desert with his loyalists. Some rich guy named Nabal talked a bunch of shit to him and told him that he wasn’t gonna give them any food and that they should go fucking die. David had his men dress for battle and walked right up to this guy’s property. The guy’s wife was named Abigail and she was really quick to apologize for her husband. She gave them a fuckload of food and was like, “Sorry he’s such an asshole. His name is Nabal and apparently Nabal means ‘fool’” David presumably said, “wow, His parents must’ve been assholes.”
Abigail waited until Nabal was sober to tell him that she had given a bunch of food away to the small army hanging out on their land. Nabal got all pissed off and then god killed him. Once David found out that god killed Nabal he decided to marry Abigail because that’s just how the world worked back then. David also married two other women that were property of Nabal, so his wife count is at four if you’re keeping track.
A-fucking-gain Saul decided to kill David, So he brought 3000 troops down to the desert trying to find him. David and Abiathar, again, went to Saul’s tent while he was sleeping and Abiathar was about to straight up murder Saul. David stopped him and said, “Who are you to kill the king of Israel.” Instead of saying, “The only fucking survivor of the entire city of Nob.” Abiathar agreed and he and David just stole Saul’s water and spear. This time David taunted both Saul and his general Abner and once again Saul apologized and went home. David was a lot more patient than I am.
David realized that Saul was not going to stop trying to kill him and brought his men down into the land of the remaining Philistines. They weren’t about to fuck with him or his men, so he was safe. Occasionally, they would raid villages that pissed them off and take their stuff. Eventually David started fighting side by side with Achish this weird Philistine general.
Saul was kind of at the end of his rope and went and sought out a medium. He had previously had all (except apparently one) mediums killed in the whole kingdom so he decided to disguise himself. She summoned the soul of Samuel for him and Samuel came up and said, “Fuck you Saul. Because you’re a dick and summoned me from the afterlife, the Philistines are gonna take over your land.”
Sure enough, the Philistine army that was fighting alongside David took control, David killed a fuckload of Amelakites which Saul could never do because he was shitty at war and everything else. Then Saul fucking killed himself alongside his armor bearer.
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