Welcome to my blog. I am going to spend the next few weeks or months explaining the bible to you in my own words. I got this concept from my dear friend Linda Elizabeth. I think it’s important to discuss and put out there, the utter insanity that is this book
In the beginning… god was hanging out by himself in the dark, hovering over a lake (which was apparently the universe) for all eternity. One day he was like, “Holy fuck, I’m bored as hell. I should make some light or some shit.” So he did. That was how the first day was born. It wasn’t too long before the novelty of having a day and night separation grew old; so he was like, “Let there be land and trees and birds and fish and mammals and fuck it, I’ll make a man who looks like me, pull out one of his ribs for some reason, and make a woman out of that instead of just willing it to be like I have the rest of the universe.” He did all of this in six days. He called the man Adam and the woman Eve. Why? Who cares?
So Adam and eve were put in charge of all the animals, because god was busy doing whatever the fuck else, and he gave them one rule. “For I have planted a tree in this garden that you can’t eat from. I don’t know why i didn’t just put it somewhere else, or why i created it at all, but you can’t eat from this tree or you’ll die. I guess I’m just kind of curious as to how you’re going to act.” So Adam and Eve wandered around the garden naked all the time, because fuck yeah, and ate a bunch of fruit and hung out with lions and shit.
One day Eve was walking around the garden and a snake was like, “Yo, you should eat some of this fruit. It will make you all kinds of bad ass. I mean, I know how your husband is constantly acting like he’s more important than you and how you came from his rib. I bet that gets really fucking old.” Eve, somehow unfazed that there was a snake talking to her, was like, “I’m gonna eat this fucking fruit. Because if you can’t trust a talking snake, who can you trust?” So, apparently, the snake was the devil and the fruit gave people the power to discern good from evil. I have no idea why that’s a bad thing, but that’s the only thing god didn’t want them to eat. So she fucked up by eating it. Adam came by a little while longer and saw eve hanging out eating forbidden fruit and was like, “Holy fuck! What are you even doing?” Eve was like, “It’s totally fine. You should try some.” Adam was like, “Word up. I’ll eat some because I’m a typical man and I’ll do whatever a naked woman tells me to.” All of a sudden they both realized they were naked, which is weird because they’ve never known anything but naked. They hid in a bush and when god finally found them, he was like, “Hey! Why are you hiding in a bush you weirdos?” And they were like, “We’re fucking naked. That’s why.” God, realizing that they ate the forbidden fruit which apparently gives you enough knowledge to know that you’re naked, but not enough to realize that you always have been and it was never a problem before, kicked their asses out of the garden.
His final curses on them were, “All snakes all the time: Since the devil chose to use your form to trick these people, I’m going to punish you by making you slither around and be super creepy”
“Eve, since you ate this fruit first, women will have horrible pains once a month, giving birth will totally suck ass, no one will take a hard stance on rape for a really long time in human civilization, and you’ll get paid less than men at least through 2015.”
“Adam, since you ate the fruit second, I’ll make everything super hard for you and also everybody dies now. That’s totally a thing.”
Adam and eve left the garden and made some kids. First came Cain, who was a gardener and then Abel who raised sheep. Cain would offer part of his vegetables to god, but god would be like, “Fuck that veggie shit. I want you to kill animals for some reason.” Abel would kill some of his sheep and god loved that shit. Cain got all kinds of pissed off and beat Abel to death with a rock. Soon afterwards god asked Cain where Abel was and Cain replied, “get off my dick, god.” God knew exactly what had happened because he’s fucking god and told Cain, “You jackass, you killed your fucking brother because you were jealous of me liking him more than you for no reason whatsoever. Now you have to go wander around the earth sucking at life and gardening.” Cain was worried that someone might murder him, which is weird because there weren’t any other people at the time. God must’ve forgotten about that and put a weird mark on Cain’s face so none of the non-existent people would kill him. Cain moved to a city that had people in it, somehow, and made babies.
So a bunch of people came and went. Some of them lived to be 60, some of them hundreds and hundreds of years. This one guy Methesula lived to be 969. And then he died. And that’s literally of this guy’s millennium long life, all they had to say about him. He accomplished so little, that all it says is, “He lived to be 969 years old and then he fucking died.” Shit, some of these people were still making babies at 2-300 years old. That’s fucking ludicrous.
So eventually this guy noah came around, lived for 500 years and made three kids. There’s no mention of anything he did before he turned 500 except that he had three kids, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. Around this time, god decided that the whole of humankind was pretty stupid and that he was gonna limit their life span to 120. He was like, “New rule! Fuck everyone. I’m not gonna let anyone live past 120. Because you guys are dicks and you marry people wrong and actually, I’m just gonna fucking drown all of you.” Noah was like, “Hey god! Can you NOT kill my family? I mean kill everyone else, literally everybody else, but can you maybe leave me alone somehow?” God decided not to kill Noah and his family and also he decided to save some of the animals. God said, “Hey noah, build a big square boat 450 feet long, 45 feet tall, and 75 feet wide.” Noah said, “Those are weird dimensions for a boat. That sounds more like a giant box.” God said, “Shut up, I’m not done. I want you to put 2 of all 19,800 different species of reptile, amphibian, and mammal plus all the millions of different insects into this box shaped boat.” Noah said, “But god, they won’t fit.” God said, “Shut up”. So Noah worked on this boat for 100 years because he was the worlds worst carpenter and everyone made fun of him when they walked by. He was like, “Go to hell. God’s gonna kill everyone and I’ll be safe in my box with a fuckload of animals.” Sure enough, on the oddly specified 17th day of noah’s 600th year alive, god started the rain. Noah and his family, 39,600 animals, and a metric ton of insects entered his giant box that could apparently float.
It rained for 40 days and 40 nights as opposed to 40 days and 49 nights. It was nice and even. Then they just floated around for an unspecified amount of time. The whole world was covered in water and Noah started sending doves out and they kept not coming back. Eventually a dove came back with an olive branch and now both are a symbol of peace. Which I guess a world with only 8 people in it is about as close to peace as we’re ever gonna get. So Noah, his wife, his sons, and their wives made a village on top of the mountain where their giant box ended up. Noah lived to be 950 years old and at one point cursed one of his sons for seeing him naked, “Curses on all Cannonites. May you all be slaves and the cursed ones forever!” Which is a brutal punishment for seeing your dad naked and not getting him a robe or something.
So Noah’s three sons made a shitload of different tribes and they were scattered around the land. A bunch of them had a bunch of kids the most notorious of which was Nimrod. His name was Nimrod and I just think that’s funny. Sure enough the canaanites were always the shit-upon class because of Ham seeing Noah naked that one time. But anyways, a bunch of tribes came out of this and that was the whole world. The whole world started growing together again and they all collectively decided, “Hey! I haven’t heard from god in a while. Maybe we should collectively build a huge fucking tower to heaven and then god will notice us as one giant race of people.” God was like, “Fuck that shit. I hate the idea of all races working together, I’m going to confuse everyone by making them speak a different language.” Side note: If you’ve ever worked construction, you’ll find it’s still pretty easy to build something with a group of people even if you speak different languages. But anyways, that was all it took to fuck the whole process up. The tower crumbled and the original Mega City One dwindled away into a bunch of small tribes that hated each other, and god was pleased.
A bunch of people came and went. Some lived to be 30, some 500. I guess god was very lax on his 120 year rule that he made before the flood. Eventually a guy named Abram came around and god thought he was pretty cool. He constantly spoke with him like they were buddies in the worlds least healthy friendship ever. One day god said, “Go get a cow and a sheep and a baby pigeon and kill all of them. Put them on this altar and if any other animals come for them, hit them with sticks.” Abram did just that and god said, “Check this shit out. Im gonna fuck with everybody who comes after you, literally all of your descendants are gonna have a shitty time with life and everyone’s gonna hate them. But I’ll fuck up everyone that fucks with you; so, that’s cool, right?” Anyways, later on Abram’s wife, Sarai, was having a hard time conceiving and Abram was like, “Well we’ve gotta have kids, because god promised he was going to fuck with my kids and make their lives hard for some reason.” Sarai couldn’t get pregnant but she had the idea, “Hey, go rape my slave” He went and raped her slave Hagar and once the she got pregnant, Sarai started being extra mean to her. Even meaner than making her have sex with Abram against her will, apparently. So, Hagar was gonna run away and try and be a free citizen, but god said, “No. Don’t run away. Go back to your master. Keep being a slave to this horrible woman. I’ll give you a son named Ishmael, he’ll be the father of all Arabs and I can’t possibly see this going wrong.” Hagar listened for some reason and the Arab race was born. Later, Sarai and Abram were 90 and 99 years old respectively and god said, “Both of you have stupid names. I let it go on for almost 100 years and I’m fucking tired of it. Your names are now Sarah and Abraham. And, Sarah, I’m gonna make you give birth with your frail 90 year old body to a son. Name him Isaac. He will be the beginning of the Hebrew race. I’m sure there might be some bad blood with his half-brother Ishmael that you guys made by raping your slave, but I’m sure somewhere down the line both sides will figure it out. Or not. I don’t care. Also, Abraham, I want you to cut off part of Isaac’s dick so the head looks bigger. I’ve decided this. It’ll make it easier to clean and it’ll make the guy take longer to cum and that’s important to me.”
This next story is the most common reference that religious people use against gay marriage.
So eventually Abraham was worried about his friend Lot who was living in these shit-show twin cities, Sodom and Gomorah. Everyone in these cities liked to fuck all the time and god hates shit like that. Abraham said to god, “Can you not fuck up these cities? I’m sure there are at least a handful of people there who aren’t having crazy sex all over the place.” God said, “I’ll send down a couple of angels to figure out what the fuck is going on down there, because i’m too much of a prude to just check it out myself.”
So god sent some angels down and they wandered around watching people just fuck all over the place and they eventually met up with Abraham’s friend Lot. Lot washed their feet and was like, “I don’t know where you guys are trying to stay tonight, but if it’s in the square in the middle of town, throbbing mobs are going to come and gang-rape you guys.” The angels were like, “Well that’s fucking weird, we were gonna stay in the square. Now we suddenly don’t want to.” So the angels stayed with Lot that night and as the angels started making their beds, because apparently angels have the same sleep schedule as humans, a throbbing mob appeared outside lots house. “Hey! We wanna rape those two guys that are staying with you!” they yelled. Lot went outside and like the best father of all time said, “Nobody can gang-rape these angels! But I’ll let you gang-rape my two teenage daughters who are totally virgins!” The mob started getting super uppity and they were like, “Fuck that shit! We don’t wanna gang-rape your daughters! We wanna gang-rape those two angels! Also fuck you! You’re not even from here. We’re gonna super gang-rape you just for telling us how to live our lives!” The throbbing mob tried super hard to get inside the house, but the two angels were way too bad ass to let them. The angels turned to Lot and said, “So god is gonna fuck these cities right up. You and your family get the fuck out. When you do, don’t look back. Because god is in a weird mood and decided that it’s important.” Lot, his wife, and his two daughters got the fuck out town and immediately after passing through the gate, god rained fire and ash down completely demolishing both cities into oblivion. Lot’s wife was like, “Oh shit. I miss that city I’ve lived in for my entire life and has been the only place I’ve ever known.” She turned around one last time, and even though she had been a good woman all her life up until this one minor fuck up, god turned her into a pillar of salt. Lot and his daughters moved into the mountains and one by one they got him drunk and fucked him. He knocked both his daughters up and god was totally cool with it. Because at least it’s not gay…
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