So last we heard from Saul, he had just killed himself and his armor bearer decided to do the same for some reason. Shortly after this a guy ran into David’s camp with his clothes torn and his head all dusty. He collapsed as soon as he arrived and totally played it off like he did it to show David respect. David said, “Where you running from?” and the guy replied, “I just ran all the way here from Saul’s camp. I totally killed him and his punk ass son Jonathan.” David was like, “Who the fuck do you think you are killing the king of Israel and his son?” The guy was like, “I’m the son of an Amelekite.”
Now anyone who knew anything knew:
1. David had the chance to kill Saul twice and chose not to,
2: David and Jonathan were best friends,
3. David had just slaughtered a shitload of Amelekites, and
4. Although, he may have killed Jonathan, someone did apparently, but he definitely was lying about Saul, because Saul killed himself, So you can probably assume things were not going to work out for this guy.
You’d be right. David had him executed on the spot.
David mourned Saul, the guy who had spent the last several years of his life doing nothing but trying to murder him for no goddamn reason, and Jonathan, the guy who had saved his life multiple times through the course of that debacle.
So anyways, apparently god came down and told David to wander on down to Hebron and be the new king of Judah. So he did and as happens every time something like this happens, not everyone was satisfied. Abner, Saul’s general, had appointed one of Saul’s surviving sons named Ish-Bosheth king of Israel and civil war broke out between Israel and Judah. Abner killed a few other military leaders until Joab, David’s general told him to back the fuck up, then the war raged on for a while. It doesn’t say how long. It just says “A long time.” What sloppy fucking historians.
Anyways, through the course of this long time, David’s side got stronger and stronger and Ish-Bosheth’s side got weaker and weaker. Tensions grew between Abner and Ish-Bosheth because Abner was fucking one of Saul’s concubines. I have no idea why Ish-Bosheth was mad about this, but he totally was. He was like, “Abner, why you fucking this woman who used to fuck my dad?” Abner was like, “Am I a dog’s head on Israel’s side?” Ish-Bosheth was like, “I don’t know what the fuck that means. That’s probably the worst metaphor in the history of anything.” Abner was like, “Fuck you. I am the fucking reason you are alive right now. I’ve been super loyal. I appointed you king. I could hand you over to David at any fucking time. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME.”
Ish-Bosheth changed his position on the concubine fucking immediately. Abner decided he was so mad about Ish-Bosheth’s question that he started sending David messages like, “What can we do to stop this shitty war?” and David replied, “Go get Michal, my first wife. I haven’t seen her in like 20 years, but I still want her around. For sex having.” Michal had gotten re-married and her poor husband who had probably been nothing but sweet and loyal to her, had to go back to being single so that David could have another wife in his collection. This was not the last time this would happen.
So Abner wandered around to all the different tribes and convinced all of them to accept David as king. He went and told David this and David was like, “Word up. Now get the fuck out of here. But go in peace. I won’t have you killed for all the horrible things you’ve done. I totally promise.” Abner left in peace and Joab stabbed him to death while he was getting water out of a well. David was like, “What the fuck? Joab! I’m cursing literally your entire household with leprosy. Fuck you and fuck them. Now tear your clothes off and walk in mourning of Abner you piece of shit.” David then decided not to eat for the rest of the day and everyone was pleased. It literally says, “Everything the king did pleased them.” Wow, David, you can’t possibly fuck this up…
So a few men went to find Ish-Bosheth and kill him now that Abner was out of the picture. They cut off his head and brought it back to David. David was like, “You guys are dicks. I already won the fucking war, why is everyone so intent on fucking killing everyone? Killing is fucking wrong!” Then David killed these two men.
Now all of Israel and Judah became loyal to David. He decided to take back control of Jerusalem. The Jebusites had control of Jerusalem and they taunted David and his army, “You can’t get in here. Even our blind and the cripples will fucking kill you punks.” They said this because they thought to themselves, “They can’t get in here.” That’s literally verbatim. The Bible doesn’t mention how long the Civil War between Judah and Israel is, but it includes the outer-dialogue and inner-monologue of the guards at Jerusalem.
it also says, straight up, “But nonetheless David did capture the fortress of Zion.” Doesn’t say how. But I’m assuming it was with a fuckload of bloodshed. David then said, “Because of that shit talking from the Jebusites there are no blind or crippled people allowed in this palace.” David was kind of a dick. He renamed the city, “The City of David” which literally nobody calls it to this day.
Then David decided to go slaughter a bunch of Philistines and take their idols away. He did this by the amazing strategy of attacking them from behind instead of in front. The Philistines were apparently bad at turning around. The Philistines and David had a weird history. David also moved the Ark of the Covenant into Jerusalem, the city he renamed “City of David” and even the people keeping track didn’t call it that. Anyways, he celebrated being a badass by handing out food to everyone who came out to watch the Ark be delivered. He got super crazy and started taking his clothes off. Michal, his wife whom had been given away by her father, abandoned, and then (when she remarried and tried to have a normal life) stolen back and forced into a polygamous marriage again, was like, “Why are you dancing around naked in front of slave girls?” David responded, “Because I’m fucking partying! I’m gonna get real weird tonight, just you wait.” Because Michal asked this simple question, she couldn’t have kids for the rest of her life.
So god came down and started talking to this guy Nathan. God was like, “Nathan, go tell David to build me a temple. If he does, I’ll make sure his family’s kingdom rules Jerusalem forever!” David did as Nathan told him and Jerusalem remained a nice stable kingdom to this day. Just kidding.
So David got to slaughtering. If there was anything that brought the twelve tribes of Israel together, it was slaughtering everyone around them who had different customs and gods. And nobody was better at this than David. He took a shitload of cities away from the Philistines, slaughtered two thirds of the Moabites and made the surviving third a part of his kingdom, killed all the Arameans at Zohab and slaughtered all but 100 horses for some reason, and took complete control of the Valley of Salt. Salt was a pretty important resource back then, so having complete control of it made you kind of the king of everything.
David was starting to feel responsible for all the bad blood that came out of Saul’s legacy. Even though he literally did everything he could to not beef, everyone had died. Except Jonathan’s crippled son named Mephi-BoSheth that David found out about. He apparently broke his own rule about the no-cripples in the palace and had Mephi-BoSheth delivered to him. Mephi-BoSheth was like, “I’ll be your servant.” And David was like, “Nope. I’ll take care of you like you were my own son, because I loved your dad more than I really feel like talking to you about right now.” Mephi-BoSheth was like, “Really? A dead dog like me?” David was like, “Sure! You and your son Mica will always eat at my table like you’re my family. And why does everyone make references to dead dogs?”
David decided to try and make peace with the Ammonites, cuz they had had a lot of bad blood in the past, so he sent some diplomats to try and work things out. The Ammonites were like, “Fuck David and fuck his diplomats. I bet these guys are spies.” Side note, this wasn’t really paranoia. Israel had a long history of sending people into cities all friendly-like before slaughtering them for no reason. The Ammonites decided to shave off the beards of the diplomats and cut their robes so their asses would be hanging out. When David heard about this he told them to lay low in Jericho until their beards grew back. Because people in Israel had no patience for men with bare faces and asses.
Because of this, David decided to fuck up the Ammonites. They got scared and hired 20,000 Aramean soldiers to fight with them. If you were paying attention about 2 minutes ago, you’ll remember that David’s army had already beaten the Arameans recently. So this wasn’t too wise. So now Joab, David’s general, had a war on two fronts. He was doing a pretty good Joab of winning, too! lol. He fucked up the Aramean soldiers to the point where they just said, “Fuck it” and went home. Now it was time to royally slaughter the Ammonites.
So the war with the Ammonites was going well and David was pretty happy with it. Pretty happy with everything actually. Except one thing. Whenever he’d be hanging out on his roof or chilling in front of his palace, he’d always notice this super fly girl named Bathsheba. He was always like, “Damn. I should probably have sex with that lady. With my penis.” He had someone go get her and the guy was like, “She’s Uriah’s wife. He’s a Hittite. Real badass dude.”
David didn’t even care a little bit because he was the fucking king and did whatever the hell he wanted. So he had Bathsheba come over and she banged him. Probably actually should say that he banged her. Because it doesn’t really mention whether or not she was okay with it because the Bible is as feminist as it is fun to read. As happens time to time when you just go around having sex with whomever you want, a few weeks later Bathsheba told him that she was pregnant. David was like, “Oh shit!” And had her husband come back from the war to fuck his wife, so no one would know.
Uriah came back and David tried to convince him to go fuck his wife. If any king or anyone. Even a crazy homeless guy. Told me to go home and fuck my wife, I would. I would even if nobody told me to. Because having sex is awesome. Coming home from war and having sex is even better! Coming home from war and having sex with, apparently, the most attractive lady in the kingdom who’s also dedicated her life and love to you is probably the best thing ever! Uriah didn’t want to, though. He was like, “All the other men and the Ark of the Covenant are sleeping in tents and you want me go fuck my super sexy wife? No!” David was like, “Please?” Uriah didn’t see anything weird about the king begging him to go home and have sex, by the way. So he hung out and got drunk with David. David got him super drunk in hopes that he’d go bang his wife, but instead he just passed out on the floor like a rookie.
David. knowing everyone would find out that he was wandering around town fucking his citizen’s wives, decided to have Uriah killed. He commanded Uriah to attack the Ammonite city right up against the wall. The city was already under siege and the battle was pretty much won, but to go right up next to a wall is pretty much the dumbest thing you can do. All the people inside need to do is drop heavy things onto you. And that’s exactly what happened. Uriah died and David took Bathsheba to be wife number 5, like an asshole.
God told Nathan about this, and Nathan went up to David to tell him a false tragedy. He was like,”David! This horrible thing happened. This one guy had a bunch of sheep that were doing real well and he was totally rich! This other guy was really poor and he only had one lamb that he treated like a daughter! (side note, it says daughter. Girls and lambs were considered about equal.) The rich asshole stole the lamb from from the poor guy and slaughtered it for dinner!” David lost his shit, “Who the fuck would ever do that! They deserve to fucking die!” David had a long history of not being able to take a hint. Nathan was like, “Dude. It’s fucking you. That literally just happened. You just did that, like the other day. What the fuck is wrong with you?” David felt real bad and apologized to Nathan for some reason. Nathan was like, “Fuck you. And because you did this, god’s going to punish Bathsheba and kill her son. That’ll show you.” Sure enough that happened. And at the same time, Joab conquered the Ammonite city.
And now the story gets even more fucked up. David’s son Amnon had a huge crush on his half sister Tamar who was also Absolom’s full sister. On the advice of his creepy uncle Jonadab, Amnon pretended to be sick and demanded that Tamar be the one to bring him food. When she came he forced her to the ground and she freaked out and pleaded, “Please don’t rape me! I’m still a virgin! if you just marry me, then I’ll fuck you whenever you want!” Amnom was enough of an asshole to not even let this offer sink in. He raped her on the floor and then decided that he hated her. He told her to leave and she was said, “Please don’t send me off. Marry me. Now that you raped me you have to!” He shoved her out the door and fucking locked it like a total piece of shit.
Now I want you to picture real quick the kind of world this was. A guy decides to rape his sister on the advice of his uncle, and her only defense in the matter is, “If you wanna fuck me, I can’t say no, please just marry me first.” The guy rapes her anyways and in order for her not to be considered a whore, she has to marry him. He refuses. Her best option was to marry her rapist and she fucking couldn’t. I really can’t stress enough how fucked up this is.
Anyways, both David and Absolom heard about this and David was a little pissed off, but Absolom was furious. Not because of the rape, but because Amnon hadn’t married her afterwards. Years passed and Absolom convinced David to let him bring Amnon down to his sheep fields at Baal Hazor. Absolom had his men get Amnon drunk and murder him. When David found out he tore all his clothes off and rolled around on the floor and all of his servants followed suit.
Three years after that, some old lady convinced David to let Absolom come back to Jerusalem. Absolom was famous for being super sexy and he had the thickest hair ever. People weren’t really allowed to cut their hair back then, but Absolom had to sometimes because it weighed like five pounds. I, on the other hand used to have dreadlocks that went down to my waist and they weighed a little less than one pound. So I think this might have been an exaggeration. Anyways, Absolom became the main judge of Israel and tried to make it so nobody would be forced to murder their brother for raping their sister ever again. Absolom decided to move to Hebron and set up shop there. David was totally cool with this.
Absolom started gaining more and more influence and soon had the power to overthrow David. Once David found out that he totally had this all planned out, he fled with a few thousand loyalists.
David and his loyalist wandered around the land and it looked like people were super into Absolom being the new king. One group of people even threw stones at David and his men and blaming him for all of Saul’s family dying. One of David’s loyalists was like, “Who’s this dead dog fucking with you?” David was like, “A: What the fuck is with all the ‘dead dog’ shit? and B: No. He’s fine. Please don’t kill him. For all I know, I deserve this.”
Absolom had taken control of Jerusalem and a bunch of David’s old friends were his advisors. He asked one of them, “So what should I do now?” His advisor said, “Go fuck all of your dad’s sex slaves. Do it in front of everyone. That’ll show him. After you fuck all his sex slaves, go have 12,000 men kill your father and all his loyalists.” Absolom summoned his other advisor named Hushai what he thought and Hushai was like, “Nobody is going to fuck with David. They all know that he’s a fucking badass and they don’t wanna stand against him. The real idea is to take fucking everyone, every soldier in your army and sweep through all the way to the Jordan and find him and kill him.”
A couple of people overheard this and went to tell David. David and his loyalists fled across the Jordan. Smart move. Absolom wasn’t an idiot and he totally crossed the Jordan, too, pushing David’s people into the desert. Joab and David were like, “Enough is enough.” David swore that he’d go into battle with all of his troops against Absolom, but everyone pleaded, “No. Stay back here! Your life is worth 10,000 of us.” David agreed because he’s an asshole and then he stayed back.
In the middle of battle, Absolom’s amazing hair got caught on a tree branch while he was riding a mule into battle. I don’t know what kind of man rides a mule into battle instead of a horse, but Absolom was one of those men. So his hair was caught and he was hanging there from a tree. Nobody wanted to kill him, though, because they remembered how David felt about people killing people who were close to him, even if they wanted to kill him. Joab wasn’t even having this and threw three javelines right through Absolom’s hanging body. They buried him in a pile of rocks and then fled to their homes.
With his army victorious and his kingdom returned to him David asked everyone, “Is Absolom safe? Is he okay?” The answer is obviously, “no, otherwise the war would still be happening”, but nobody had the heart to tell him. They would just respond with, “Hey congratulations!” And shit like that. David eventually figured it out on his own and was real sad. He cried in front of all his troops and Joab told him to shut the fuck up.
David reunited all of Israel and refused to let his men slaughter Absolom’s loyalists and his own men who had turned against him. He reunited all of Israel except this guy Sheba who was like, “Fuck you David! You’re a dick.” A bunch of people followed Sheba and, of course, Joab cut of his fucking head. David took a census and slaughtered a bunch of animals and set them on fire for god. Because god loves that shit.
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