So this is the third installment of Jay's Bible Stories. If you haven’t read Genesis parts 1 & 2, I would say go check it out before you start on this. That book is fucking insane, but it had a happy ending. So that’s good.
Now I start the Book of Exodus where the story becomes un-happy right away. So, when we left off Joseph had just been given a royalty’s funeral and his whole tribe was living in Egypt. Generations and generations passed and the Hebrews (as they now called themselves) became a whole ethnic group and were living it up in in the Egyptian empire which was basically the America of its time. Just like America, after a while the Egyptians decided, “Fuck all these immigrants. There are too goddamn many of them and they’re fucking up our way of life.” Several Pharaohs had come and gone and Joseph had been all but forgotten.
A new Pharaoh stepped up and said, “I super hate these Hebrew people. Not enough to exile them, but definitely enough to turn them all into slaves.” Weirdly enough (and actually what happens 100% of the time people are oppressed) the hebrews started fucking a whole lot more and making a bunch of new babies. Too many to control. Pharaoh declared, “Oh fuck. If I don’t start slaughtering a bunch of babies, these slaves are gonna overthrow me!” Pharaoh decided that he would kill every male baby the hebrews had. Pharaoh told all the Doulas in the city, “Whenever you’re helping a hebrew woman give birth, and it’s a boy, kill it.” The Doulas were like, “Ummmm. These women who spend all of their days building sphinxes and pyramids and all their nights banging; they don’t really give birth like Egyptians. They kinda just push their babies out and go on working, they’re pretty fucking bad ass.” Pharaoh said, “Okay. Well whenever you see a male hebrew baby… throw it in the fucking nile. That’s the new rule. Tell all the Egyptians.”
So not long after this, A couple of Hebrews from the Levite tribe had a son. They tried to hide him for three months, but I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to hide a baby, it’s hard. They cry a lot, they always need attention, and they get bigger like constantly. So after three months, these two Levite slaves built a basket, put their 3 month old inside of it, and threw it in the fucking Nile. “This will keep the baby from dying” is what they decided. Well, somehow, they were right. Just so happened that pharaoh’s daughter liked to bathe in the Nile pretty close to where the slaves hung out. While she was bathing, this basket washed up to her. She looked inside and saw a crying baby. “Holy shit. I just found a baby in this basket. I’m gonna raise him as my own son.”
Nobody saw anything wrong with the fact that Pharaoh’s daughter had not been pregnant at all in the last year or that her son had a striking resemblance to the race of slaves that camped dangerously close to where she bathed and the kid was raised as royalty. She named him Moses and when people were like, “Why did you name him Moses?” She said, “Because I found him floating in a basket and Moses just seemed like the right word for that.”
So eventually someone told Moses that he was totally born of the slave race and he got all kinds of worked up over it. He would wander down to the labor fields and check out the situation for himself. It was always fucked up. He’d see people beaten, whipped, and worked to death. He was like, “Man, slavery totally sucks. I’m super glad I was raised royalty, but I wonder if there’s anything I can do…” Moses took matters into his own hands and tried to solve the problem the way most young men do, with his fists. Moses casually walked up to a slave master and beat him to fucking death. With his fists. He totally got away with it, too because he was royalty and because the only people who saw him do it were slaves.
Slaves are certainly not going to snitch on the murderer of their slave master. Only punks like Joseph do that. Well later on he saw two Hebrews fighting and said, “Why are you fucking with each other? You need to stick together to try and fight the oppression!” One of the hebrews was like, “Fuck you! I saw you kill that guy with your fists. You can’t tell me what to do.”
Instead of saying, “Yes I can because I’m fucking royalty and you’re a slave” He got really worried and decided to ask around if people were talking about him behind his back. They were and eventually Pharaoh found out that his adopted grandson was wandering around killing slave masters and tried to have him killed. Moses got the fuck out of there and went to go live life as a fugitive.
Moses met this cool bedouin named Jethro who had 7 sexy daughters. Moses totally got with one of them named Zippora and had a kid. Around this time god finally started paying attention to the woes of the Hebrew slaves and said, “Hmmm. Those guys are complaining a lot. I told Abraham that everyone that came from his loins would have a shitty life, but I guess slavery super sucks. Well I’ll get around to fixing this at some point. Not now. But at some point.”
Years went by and one day Moses was kicking it around this desert and saw a bush that was on fire. He was like, “Hmmmm. Stuff usually doesn’t burn around here in the Sahara desert which is one of the driest places on earth. I’m going to go investigate it.” The bush spoke and said, “Hey Moses! Take your shoes off you dick. You’re standing on Hallowed ground.” Moses decided that whatever a burning plant tells you to do is a good idea and took his shoes off. The bush said, “Check this shit out, I’m god. I’m the same god that tormented Abraham and destroyed the tower of babel for no reason. I have a mission for you. I’ve recently started to care about the complaining of the hebrews and I’m going to send you to free them from slavery.” Moses said, “Why would they listen to me?” God said, “Tell them I am who I am.” As opposed to “I am whatever you say I am.” which is what Eminem said.
Moses asked god what his plans were to liberate the slaves and god replied, “Tell all the slaves to start wearing gold and silver earrings. This will piss off the Egyptians and cause a lot of tension.” Moses decided that was a good exit strategy as opposed to a good way to get hebrews a whole lot more oppressed. Finally moses said, “Well what kind of power will you give me?” And god gave him leprosy and turned his staff into a snake then fixed him and his staff. Moses was satisfied and grabbed his wife and kid to go to Egypt with him.
On the way back to Egypt god said to Moses, “So check this shit out, I’m going to fuck with free will and actually harden pharaoh’s heart. I’m doing this for no other reason than that I’m an asshole and I want to make things really hard for you. When pharaoh keeps being a dick, tell him ‘Israel (which is what we now call ourselves now) is God’s firstborn son. Now he’s gonna kill your first born son.’” Moses said, “Okay. Whatever you want.”
When Zippora and Moses and their son Gershom made camp, god decided out of nowhere that it was time to straight up murder Gershom. He said, “Oh fuck you Moses. I’m killing your son all of a sudden. Fuck you.” Zippora, either thinking quickly or just being a weird sadist, decided to chop off Gershom’s foreskin and touch it to Moses’s foot. God said, “Shit like this pleases me. I’m glad you cut off part of your son’s dick and then touched your husbands foot with it. I will no longer kill your son.”
God decided to go tell Aaron, who was Moses’s brother and who inexplicably escaped the infanticide, to go into the desert and find Moses. Aaron apparently just picked a direction and walked. Against all odds he ran into Moses and passionately kissed him. Moses showed Aaron all the cool tricks he could do now, like getting leprosy and having his staff turn into a snake. Aaron said, “Wow, those are neat tricks. That will work on getting our people free.”
So sure enough as soon as Moses declared to the new pharaoh, “Let my people go.” Pharaoh said, “Fuck you. I don’t know why, but my heart is even harder than usual. Instead of letting the Israelites (which they’re all of a sudden called apparently) go, I’m going to make them work twice as hard. Remember that straw we used to provide for bricks? Fuck you. Go get it yourself, but make the same amount of bricks.” If I’ve learned anything in the history of man kind, it’s that the best way to squash an uprising is to make everyone work twice as hard and make their lives be so bad they’re better off dead than alive.
Moses went to god and said, “What the fuck? Now everything’s worse than before and you haven’t done shit.” God said, “I’ll get around to it. I’m god. The same god who talked to Abraham and Isaac. Oh and by the way. Tell people to call me Jehovah now. That’s my name. I never told anyone this before, but I’m telling you. Go back to Pharaoh and tell him that Jehovah says ‘Let my people go.’”
Moses all of a sudden realized that he had a stuttering problem and said, “Oh shit, I have a stuttering problem. I’m 80 years old and I just now realized this. So maybe you should find someone else." God said, “Well have Aaron talk for you, then. So far he’s just been dead weight.” Aaron was 83 at the time and Moses was 80. These two octogenarians just marched on through the desert to go free the slaves from Pharaoh’s control.
Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and said, “Let our people go. Jehovah says to. He wants us to go a few miles from here and kill animals for him” Pharaoh said, “I don’t know who Jehovah is. But no. Fuck you. Stop asking.” Moses decided to pull out the big guns and threw Aaron’s staff on the ground and turned it into a snake. Pharaoh was like, “Oh the staff-snake trick? I like that trick.” Immediately his magicians came out and did the same trick. But then Aaron’s staff-snake ate the magicians staff-snakes and Pharaoh said, “Oh shit. That’s crazy I might actually let your people go.” But then god stepped in again and hardened Pharaoh’s heart. Pharaoh said, “Never mind, fuck you. I’m not letting anyone go. Leave me alone.”
The next day Moses and Aaron went down to Pharaoh’s special water spot on the Nile and right as he was getting himself a cup of water, they said, “Let our people go and make animal sacrifices to Jehovah in a very specific region or we’ll fuck with your water supply.” Before even giving him a chance to respond, Moses put his staff in the water and the Nile turned into fucking blood. All the fish died and all you could smell was blood and fish in the air. Pharaoh was like, “Oh, the old bloody Nile trick? I love that trick! My magicians do it all the time.” Then he just walked on back into his palace and presumably drank a big jug of blood.
Seven whole days passed with no fresh water and the heart of the city reeking like super thick blood and dead fish. God came down to Moses and said, “Cover this fucking city with frogs. Like right now.” Moses went to Pharaoh and said, “Fuck you Pharaoh. I keep asking you to let my people go and now I’ve gotta put frogs all over the place. And that’s fucking gross” So, Moses and Aaron raised their staffs and a swarm of blood drenched frogs came out of the Nile and started fucking with everything. Pharaoh was super unhappy with it but, in order to save face, he made his magicians do the same thing. Hundreds and thousands of frogs came out of this river of blood and started fucking with everything all over the place. Moses said, “I know you don’t want this to keep happening. This is gross. So give me a fucking answer.” Pharaoh said, “I’ll let them go tomorrow.” Moses decided that he had won and asked god to stop the plagues. God turned the Nile back into water and killed all the frogs immediately. Pharaoh changed his mind on freeing the slaves as soon as things went back to normal. “Nothing bad is happening exactly this second and therefor nothing bad will ever happen again.” he decided.
So Aaron and Moses turned all the dust and sand clouds into swarms and swarms of gnats. Imagine looking up in the sky and it’s black with clouds of gnats flying around. Instead of immediately killing themselves, Pharaoh’s magicians just turned to Pharaoh and said, “We can’t do that trick. Moses must be some serious shit.” Pharaoh didn’t care because god had hardened his heart to make sure everything was difficult and stupid. Aaron and Moses unleashed a cloud of horseflies, killed all of his livestock, gave all the Egyptians boils, made it hail, unleashed some locusts, and made it dark all the time. Pharaoh tried to make different compromises like, “You can slaughter animals here for your god” or “You guys can go but leave your livestock. You done killed all of mine.” Moses was like, “No. Fuck you. We need to do our animal sacrifice in a very specific area and we need to keep all of our livestock cuz, otherwise, what are we going to murder for our god’s amusement?” Pharaoh said, “Fuck you. I’m fucking sick of you. Next time you come back and see me, I’m fucking killing you.” Moses said, “I’ll leave.”
That night Moses was freaking out saying, “What the fuck? I sent 9 plagues and that’s a good round number. What the hell am I going to do now?” God came down to Moses and said, “Remember what I said about killing Pharaoh’s first born? Well check this shit out. I’m going to kill every fucking firstborn son in this whole goddamn country. I don’t care what they did or their family did, they’re fucking dead. I don’t care if it’s a Hebrew, Egyptian, slave, free person, or whatever. Every first born son in this country is going to die. The only way you can not die from this shit, is to kill a lamb (because i love shit like that) the lamb has to be one year old exactly, and you have to cut its throat and paint your doorframe with its blood. After you do that, roast the lamb over fire and season it with bitter herbs, make sure you eat all of this lamb, not just a little. If there is any left over your son is fucking dead. Don’t boil this shit in water or eat it raw or I’ll kill your fucking son. . Also, don’t eat any yeast in your bread and when you eat make sure your robe is tucked into your belt, your sandals are on, and make sure you’re holding a staff.” Moses replied, “God… That’s a fucking lot of very specific rules.”
That night, god came through and stayed true to his word. He killed every fucking firstborn son in Egypt whose parents hadn’t followed the exact instructions that he gave to Moses. The next morning the whole country was freaking out in grief. Every single Egyptian family had lost a kid. The Egyptians complained to Pharaoh, who had just lost his heir to the throne, and said, “Get these fucking Israelites the fuck out of here, you dick! All of us lost one of our kids and there have been a lot of weird fucking things happening lately. Just let them go!” Apparently god un-hardened pharaoh’s heart and he summoned Moses and Aaron. “What now, punk?” Is probably along the lines of what they said. Pharaoh said, “You, your livestock, your people, fucking everything and everyone. Get the fuck out. You’re free to go.” After 430 years, the jews began… their Exodus.
The Hebrews immediately packed their shit and peaced out. Moses and Aaron stood in front of them and gave them the rules of passover. “Now that this happened and god spared our kids in the plague he sent to free us, we need to celebrate passover every year. Every year from Nissan 15 to Nissan 22 we’ll eat bread with no yeast and roasted lamb. There are a few stipulations, though, because of course there are. No one with foreskin can eat this shit. Not even your slaves. You heard me, now that we’re free, we’re free to have slaves of our own, but they can’t eat passover dinner with us. You can’t break any of the bones of the lamb you’re eating for some reason. And you can’t eat outside. Just inside. That being said, let’s get the fuck out of Egypt.”
The now free Israelites were starting to wonder if they were lost wandering around in the desert. Moses said, “No. We’re just taking the long way because I don’t want to fuck with the Philistines. So we’re gonna go to the shores of the Red Sea and just… wing it. You can trust me. I’m carrying Joseph’s mummy around with us for some reason.” So day and night they trekked through the desert and god gave them a pillar of fire to follow at night and a giant cloud to follow during the day. When they got to the shores of the Red Sea, they were like “Moses. What the fuck are we doing here?” Apparently at this same time, Pharaoh had noticed that not having any slaves around totally sucked, so he sent his army to go retrieve them. So now, these recently freed slaves were stuck between a rock and hard place or, more accurately, a huge fucking army and a huge body of water.
Moses, armed with his magic staff and a 400 year old corpse raised his staff in the air and told all the Israelites to cross the fucking sea. As they approached the water the water got the fuck out of their way like they were in a big hydrophobic bubble. They crossed the Red Sea and as soon as they got to the other side, Pharaoh’s army decided to charge right the fuck after them. As soon as Pharaoh’s army was 100% in the Red Sea and 100% of the Israelites were outside, Moses slammed his staff down and the fucking Red Sea completely devoured the Egyptian army. The Israelites were fucking free.
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